The hard-working actress is proof that life really is like a box of chocolates.
This feature originally appeared in Complex's February/March 2010 issue.
Michelle has been playing with sweets since the age of 3, when she spilled cranberry juice for a Wisk commercial. Thankfully, she managed to steer clear of sugary 30-second purgatory to firmly plant herself in the pop consciousness with roles as Buffy's sister on TV's Buffy the Vampire Slayer and an exhibitionist co-ed in the film EuroTrip. We should also mention that both roles led to Trachtenberg amassing a rather large number of not-so-secret admirers. So when pedophilic fans of Buffy (and non-pedophilic fans of bikinis) heard that she would be co-starring in something called A Couple of Dicks, you could forgive (and understand) their excitement.
The thing is, even though Dicks is as innocuous as a Kevin Smith cop comedy with Tracy Morgan could be (especially now that its title has been changed to Cop Out), it still underscores what we love most about la belle Michelle: her unpredictability. This is a woman who not only lives in the moment, but also makes it more memorable for everyone. So while the 24-year-old Brooklynite might be busier than she's ever been, jetting between L.A. and New York to play the diabolical Georgina Sparks on Gossip Girl and rookie nurse Chloe Payne on Mercy, she still managed to find the time to be our valentine, and to talk to Complex about Big Apple flashers, dating older men, and why she's—wait a second, why ruin the surprise? Not knowing what you're gonna get is half the fun.
It would take an army—or Martin Scorsese—to ever get me naked again.
Born and bred in Brooklyn! Did you ever get flashed or groped on the train growing up? [Laughs.] I did. I was a kid, so I didn't get groped—that would be really creepy. But there were some men not fully dressed that I saw on the subway. My mom and I would pretend that we were crazy people—because a crazy person doesn't want to approach another crazy person.
What's the nastiest thing anyone's said to you on the streets of New York?
It's probably been more recent, since I've grown into my womanly form. You know, you'll walk by a construction site and it's like, "You kiss your mama with that ass?" What does that even mean? I don't kiss my mama with my ass because it's back there! My lips are up here, so that's weird. It worked though, 'cause I turned around and was like, "What does that mean?!" So he won.
And you spoke for several hours.
Um, he's my boyfriend.
So, A Couple of Dicks. Did you sign on for the title alone?
Totally. Best headline of my life: "Trachtenberg Likes Dicks." How can you not have A Couple of Dicks on your IMDB page? I sent a mass e-mail to all my agents and managers like, "I would like to thank y'all for your contribution to my 20-year career, because I am now on top of some dicks."
They don't land Michelle Trachtenberg if it's called Cop Out, the studio's safe alternative title, do they?
Probably not. Although Tracy Morgan makes up for the lack of dicks in the title—he's awesome.
Still, it doesn't have the same cock-ring to it.
It doesn't have penis in the title is what you're saying. I get it.
There must have been lots of dick jokes on the set. What was the best one?
"Are we rolling on Dicks?" "Sort of. Don't make it hurt."