Washed up? Irrelevant? Not so fast, America. LL's world is already upside down. Now she's just returning the favor.
This feature originally appeared in Complex's August/September 2010 issue.
Rappers might be on that rock shit, but Lindsay Lohan is on that rap shit. Flaking on interviews? Check. Unrepentant bad behaviour? Check. Gully enough to ignore a bench warrant, come back from Europe for a legal hearing, and have her court-supplied alcohol bracelet go off at the MTV Movie Awards? Check and mate. She's Weezy, Yeezy, and motherfucking Jeezy all in one. Who else would choose her comeback vehicles to be Robert Rodriguez's Machete and the Linda Lovelace biopic, Inferno? That's gully on both counts. She may have been a Disney ingenue, but about five years ago she took a hard left, and we've been loving her for it—movies or no movies. So yea we've been angling to get her on the cover for a minute now. And when it happened? We're about to remind people that they've been underestimating Lindsay. We're about to ride out together, Bonnie and Clyde style. But some funny things happend on the way to making magic—and they reminded us that Lilo's not lost, she's just trying to hide from the vultures.
LOHANDEMONIUM: WHERE WE CAME IN...
1. Perez Hilton coins the term "Lindsanity," making it a daily feature on his site, and puts Lohan on 24-7 death watch. For the record, we prefer the term "Lohandemonium"—and we're glad Perez could see past the eye jammie Will.i.am's manager allegedly served up last year. We'd have gone with the two-piece-and-a-biscuit combo.
2. Several news sources, including the AP, announce that they have pre-written Lindsay's obituary so they don't have to scramble at the last minute like they did with Heath Ledger and Brittany Murphy. Former friends of Lindsay are quoted as saying, "I expect the call any minute now that she's dead." We're quoted as saying, "Is the reason that you're ‘former friends' because you're so backstabby that she cut you off?"
3. Estranged father Michael tries to sell rumors about her sex life—that she had an affair with Tommy Mottola when she was 17 and that she's HIV-positive—to websites and tabloids. When no one bites, he posts the "news" on his Twitter, only to later claim that his account had been hacked. You stay classy, Mike.
4. The Complex cover shoot! She shows up five hours late at 12:30 a.m.—earlier than we'd figured, actually. However, we don't get to start shooting until 3:45 a.m. Which is cool, since we had some sobering up to do ourselves. We keed!
...OH, THERE'S MORE...
5. The two photogs shooting the cover send a press release to tabloids claiming that the female photog and Lindsay are in a lesbian relationship. Perhaps the photographers are trying to drum up publicity for their Bravo reality show, but LiLo quashes the rumor. Complex neither confirms or denies the story. Nor do we care to.
6. From the "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong" files: In a hotel room during the Cannes Film Festival, Lindsay's photographed near what looks like Fun Dip that someone conveniently shaped into narrow lines. On a mirror. Danny Bonaduce and Corey Haim's ghost cluck their tongues disapprovingly.
...DONE? NOT YET...
7. She loses her passport while in Cannes, which causes her to miss the last of her alcohol awareness classes from a 2007 DUI and cocaine possession charge. News outfits delight in reporting that she'll be jailed upon her return. Must be nice to know everyone's rooting for you.
8. She avoids jail, thanks to a hearing that tabloids breathlessly report on. Included in the decision is Lindsay being forced to wear a rather clunky SCRAM (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor) ankle bracelet. It's nicer than T.I.'s house arrest bracelet, but could still use a touch-up, so we ask KAWS to hook up an OriginalFake x L.A. County Corrections Department collabo. Still waiting to hear back on that one.