Washed up? Irrelevant? Not so fast, America. LL's world is already upside down. Now she's just returning the favor.
This feature originally appeared in Complex's August/September 2010 issue.
Rappers might be on that rock shit, but Lindsay Lohan is on that rap shit. Flaking on interviews? Check. Unrepentant bad behaviour? Check. Gully enough to ignore a bench warrant, come back from Europe for a legal hearing, and have her court-supplied alcohol bracelet go off at the MTV Movie Awards? Check and mate. She's Weezy, Yeezy, and motherfucking Jeezy all in one. Who else would choose her comeback vehicles to be Robert Rodriguez's Machete and the Linda Lovelace biopic, Inferno? That's gully on both counts. She may have been a Disney ingenue, but about five years ago she took a hard left, and we've been loving her for it—movies or no movies. So yea we've been angling to get her on the cover for a minute now. And when it happened? We're about to remind people that they've been underestimating Lindsay. We're about to ride out together, Bonnie and Clyde style. But some funny things happend on the way to making magic—and they reminded us that Lilo's not lost, she's just trying to hide from the vultures.
LOHANDEMONIUM: WHERE WE CAME IN...
1. Perez Hilton coins the term "Lindsanity," making it a daily feature on his site, and puts Lohan on 24-7 death watch. For the record, we prefer the term "Lohandemonium"—and we're glad Perez could see past the eye jammie Will.i.am's manager allegedly served up last year. We'd have gone with the two-piece-and-a-biscuit combo.
2. Several news sources, including the AP, announce that they have pre-written Lindsay's obituary so they don't have to scramble at the last minute like they did with Heath Ledger and Brittany Murphy. Former friends of Lindsay are quoted as saying, "I expect the call any minute now that she's dead." We're quoted as saying, "Is the reason that you're ‘former friends' because you're so backstabby that she cut you off?"
3. Estranged father Michael tries to sell rumors about her sex life—that she had an affair with Tommy Mottola when she was 17 and that she's HIV-positive—to websites and tabloids. When no one bites, he posts the "news" on his Twitter, only to later claim that his account had been hacked. You stay classy, Mike.
4. The Complex cover shoot! She shows up five hours late at 12:30 a.m.—earlier than we'd figured, actually. However, we don't get to start shooting until 3:45 a.m. Which is cool, since we had some sobering up to do ourselves. We keed!
...OH, THERE'S MORE...
5. The two photogs shooting the cover send a press release to tabloids claiming that the female photog and Lindsay are in a lesbian relationship. Perhaps the photographers are trying to drum up publicity for their Bravo reality show, but LiLo quashes the rumor. Complex neither confirms or denies the story. Nor do we care to.
6. From the "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong" files: In a hotel room during the Cannes Film Festival, Lindsay's photographed near what looks like Fun Dip that someone conveniently shaped into narrow lines. On a mirror. Danny Bonaduce and Corey Haim's ghost cluck their tongues disapprovingly.
...DONE? NOT YET...
7. She loses her passport while in Cannes, which causes her to miss the last of her alcohol awareness classes from a 2007 DUI and cocaine possession charge. News outfits delight in reporting that she'll be jailed upon her return. Must be nice to know everyone's rooting for you.
8. She avoids jail, thanks to a hearing that tabloids breathlessly report on. Included in the decision is Lindsay being forced to wear a rather clunky SCRAM (Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor) ankle bracelet. It's nicer than T.I.'s house arrest bracelet, but could still use a touch-up, so we ask KAWS to hook up an OriginalFake x L.A. County Corrections Department collabo. Still waiting to hear back on that one.
...THE SAGA CONTINUES...
9. Not long after, she has her wisdom teeth removed, and goes on a Twitter rampage against detractors while recovering in bed. A wise man once said: "You wanna fuck with me? You fucking with the BEST!" And it wasn't even DJ Khaled.
10. Meanwhile, in an Elle cover profile, fellow actress Kristen Stewart is quoted as saying that Lohan is "off the rails" and talks smack about the Lohan family. Because her joyless ass was cast in a bullshit tweengasm movie, and thus other people's lives ARE HER BUSINESS.
11. Lindsay attends the MTV Movie Awards, rocking a pantsuit to cover up the SCRAM anklet. Thankfully, she leaves the twins subject to plenty of scrutiny. Then the shark that the MTV Movie Awards jumped over in 2005 jumps over another shark and sets itself on fire with a fat-suited Tom Cruise.
12. Later that night, at Katy Perry's afterparty, the SCRAM goes off, ostensibly because it detects a spike in LiLo's blood alcohol level. Her mother vehemently denies that Lindsay was drinking, claiming that the SCRAM was fooled by "too many energy drinks." We once had too many energy drinks, and all it did was make our pee burn. Of course, that could have been herpes.
13. Street artist Banksy throws up a stencil of Lindsay with red paint dripping from her nostrils—and below it, in the Coca-Cola font, the words "COKE DIET." No one notices it. Wait, no, it's the fucking Internet; the image gets passed around like a Dutch at a Rock the Bells concert.
14. Post-SCRAMgate, the judge sets LiLo's bail at $200,000—and once again, all the magazines that enjoy running pictures of celebrities in Starbucks parking lots hold their breath waiting to see if she will serve time.
...AND THAT'S IT (FOR NOW, AT LEAST)
So here we are. As we go to press, it's late June—more than a month since we shot these pictures—and we still haven't gotten our interview. Emails have gone unanswered; the same for voicemails we left with her mom, Dina. The photographers' agent, who's known Lindsay for a long time, admitted to us that he hasn't had contact with her for weeks. When you don't have a publicist and your personal assistant resigns, it's a lot easier to disappear. Look, Lindsay: hard as this is to believe, we get it. And when you're up on the tightrope, and the wind is whipping around you, and the whole world is waiting—fucking salivating—for you to fall, shit can feel cold. What makes it worse is that you've been fucked by everyone you were supposed to trust, everyone who told you they cared about you and had your best interests in mind. It's you against the world right now; We'd disappear, too. But know this: whenever you're ready, we're ready. And we haven't given up on you. So yeah, world, we got that white girl. But don't think you, or anyone, are gonna get more than she gives you. Ever.
WATCH LINDSAY'S BEHIND-THE-SCENES VIDEO:
ADDITIONAL CREDITS: (STYLING) GK Reid. COVER IMAGE: Mask by And_I / bikini by Marlies Dekkers / earrings and cuff by Erickson Beamon / cuff by And_I. FIRST AND SIXTH IMAGES: Jeweled bodysuit by Jeremy Scott / boots by Christian Loubotin / gloves by Prada. SECOND, FOURTH, FIFTH, & SEVENTH IMAGES: Corset by Manuel / bangle by Erickson Beamon / shorts by La Perla / tights by House of Holland / all jewelry by Erickson Beamon. THIRD IMAGE: Corset by Jeremy Scott / necklace by Pamela Love / shorts by Elizabeth and James / boots by Leila Shams / bracelet by And_I.