Michael Bay hates your childhood. If it wasn't already clear when he announced that he would alter his upcoming Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and render your beloved green friends as aliens, you can now be assured of this with the latest news on the flick: The ninja turtles will no longer be teenagers.
You've heard correctly. The new title of the movie will simply be Ninja Turtles. Bay took to his blog to explain why the decision to annihilate the adolescence of the turtles was made, saying, "Paramount marketing changed the name. They made the title simple. The characters you all remember are exactly the same, and yes they still act like teenagers. Everything you remember, why you liked the characters, is in the movie."
So let us get this straight. The now-alien turtles will still be pizza-obsessed but they won't actually be teenagers? GOOD GOD. YOU ARE TRULY THE SPAWN OF SATAN, YOU NOSTALGIA-CRUSHING DEMON!
Bay claims that director Jonathan Liebesman "is a major fan of the whole franchise" and, "HE’S NOT GOING TO LET YOU DOWN" (His caps, not ours this time). But we beg to differ. Bay and Liebesman are taking Michelangelo's Nunchaku straight to the balls of your fond memories, and mercilessly stealing away everything you hold sacred. We just thought you should know.