Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@TanyaGhahremani)
So, that's it: Season 5 of Jersey Shore is finally over. Due to circumstances of several cast members—Snooki is pregnant, Pauly has a new show, and Sitch is trying to be the next Perez Hilton—it's looking like the series may actually not get renewed, making this episode all the more bittersweet and memorable.
That said, this finale didn't leave us with much. Last week's episode ended with a bit of a cliffhanger in the form of the roommates arriving home to find Pauly and Vinny sitting in the middle of their living room surrounded by patio furniture, but it was all soon resolved when the roommates moved their things back to their rightful places and went on with their lives. We can't help but feel like that is a bit of a metaphor for how the show has affected our lives: Things were crazy for a while, we had a good laugh, and now it's time to change the channel and move on. As the episode continued, not much else happened either until the roommates ultimately left Seaside Heights for the summer.
So, Snooki, JWoww, Vinny, Pauly, Sammi, Ronnie, Deena, and Mike: If this is indeed the last time we will see you all together as a part of this phenomenon known as Jersey Shore, we just want to say, thanks. We can't imagine what our lives would be like without knowledge of how to execute a good fist-pump, and we owe that all to you.
Operation Inside-Out Is a Success
The roommates finally return from their impromptu camping trip to see the surprise Vinny and Pauly have set up for them in the form of a prank they have dubbed "Operation Inside-Out." Basically, it consisted of all the patio furniture being moved to the living room, and all of the house furniture (couches, tables, beds, dressers, luggage, everything) being moved to to roof.
Everyone thinks it's hilarious except Sitch, who is pretty pissed, and, according to Pauly, "looks even dumber than he normally looks." It's true, he kind of does. See?
Later, it's going to start raining and everyone begins to move their stuff...except for Sitch. He's content to let it all get soaked because, according to him, he didn't move it so he shouldn't have to move it back. We should point out, this is Kindergartener logic. In the end, though, Vinny and Pauly pity the guy enough to help him take his stuff back to his room, and all is well once more. Cool story, guys.
Elsewhere in the house, Deena gets a call from her sister Joanie, the same one who's dating Sitch's brother, Frank. Joanie tells Deena that she's going with Frank to Jenks that night, which Deena reveals is coincidentally the same place that she and her roommates are going tonight too. Is Seaside really this small that they only ever hit up three bars? Contractual obligation?
On a similar note, Sitch and Snooki go out for drinks (Are these two friends now? What?) and Sitch takes his Kindergartener logic to the next level by going all playground gossipmonger on us. He tells Snooki that—ready for this?—The Unit told him that Frank told him that Joanie can do something that MTV doesn't want us to know, because it's bleeped out. But apparently, it is a skill Snooki finds very disgusting, and Sitch asks her whether or not he should use this information for "evil" or not. Snooki tells him to leave it, but Sitch doesn't seem so content to. Drama! Kind of!
That night at Jenks, Vinny tries to pick up two lesbians. Well, techically, first he tries to befriend them so they'll be his wingwomen to help him get a DTF girl for the night. Soon, though, their wingwomen-ing turns to flirting, and they all end up heading back to the house for a threesome. He explains that he hopes to give them an experience good enough to "switch teams back," but we're pretty sure that's not exactly how sexuality works. But whatever, he had a threesome with two lesbians, good for him.
Surprisingly, it's actually Snooki who tells Deena about the rumor that Sitch told her about concerning Joanie. Angry, Deena confronts Sitch about it back at the house. He's ultimately able to convince her that it's more of a talent than an insult (Are you figuring what it is now?), and only "The Chosen Ones" are able to pull off such a feat. He tells her to let it go because they're good together—sound advice, for once—and Deena backs off. Crisis averted...unless Joanie and Frank get married, in which case, Deena and Sitch will be in-laws. Would there be a wedding special on MTV?
Tornado In Seaside Heights?
Later, a storm hits the Shore. It's not Irene, because filming had already wrapped by the time that struck, but it seems pretty damn close—the city looks like a pre-flood shot from The Day After Tomorrow or something. While on the roof watching the weather do its thing, Deena claims that she sees a tornado in the distance (she doesn't) and when the sirens start blaring, she freaks out and begins to gather her things to leave. We're not sure where she plans on going, since the weather is awful outside, but whatever.
Regardless of this gigantic storm, the roommates still decide to go to Karma for one last time since they are due to leave Seaside in two days. Mike and Deena run into Frank and Joanie, who are once again attending the same club as everyone else. They both see how much the couple actually like each other, and are ultimately left with the harsh possibility that they may one day be in-laws. Scary.
The next night, their last one at in Seaside, Deena and Sammi decide to retaliate against Pauly and Vinny for Operation Inside-Out. They fill up a bunch of water balloons and store them in a box which they hide on the deck of the smush room under a tarp. Later that night, when the boys are hanging out on the roof deck, which is right across from the smush room deck, the girls begin to launch their attack with slingshots. Ultimately, though, it only ends up backfiring on them because Sitch locks them in on the smush room deck to give the boys time to retaliate with their own water balloons and water guns.
Basically, the girls lose. Oh well, at least they tried.
Every Time We Say Goodbye...
The next morning, Pauly wakes everyone up with the smoke detector, which he has detached from the wall to hold up against everybody's ears to wake them up. This is probably not safe, but they're leaving anyway, so who cares about leaving the house in a good condition, right? They haven't even moved the patio furniture out of the living room yet!
Everyone packs up and says goodbye. Sammi and Ronnie are the first to leave, catching the first cab that arrives to the house. Ronnie and Sammi both separately reminisce on their most recent experience at the Shore, which makes us realize that the two of them have not gotten into an on-camera fight all season! Whoa! Ronnie realizes it too, apparently: "I think Sammi and me are going to do really well after we leave the shore house," he tells the camera as the clip shows him following Sammi into a cab that will presumably take them to their wonderful future. It doesn't though; they broke up after this season ended. Oh, well.
Everyone else leaves one by one—Jenni with Roger, Vinny with his mother, and the rest of them individually in their own cabs. "That was a really good time," Deena says somewhat reflectively as her cab drives away from the shore house, her voice soft and lacking the usual spark that she normally possesses when saying something of that sort. We can't help but think her tone is somewhat indicative of the season itself: Completely and utterly lackluster. But maybe that's too deep for this show? All those Television Theory and Criticism classes we took in college have to come in handy sometime...
Snooki is the last one left in the house. Naturally, instead of just waiting for her father to arrive like a normal person, she decides it would be a better idea to get drunk and say goodbye to each inanimate object in the house while she waits. Yes, this woman is having a child.
"Leaving the shore house is always bittersweet. Like, you're excited to go home and see your family and friends, but then again, I mean, the party's over," Snooki muses as her final word. "I mean, what am I gonna do with my life now?"
Best Quotes of the Episode
"Mike looks even dumber than he normally looks." —Pauly, speaking the truth
"Mike's nickname should be changed from The Situation to The Bitchuation." —Snooki, also speaking the truth
"Did you look at these girls? Did you look at their faces? One of them looks like Matthew McConaughey." —Ronnie
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@TanyaGhahremani)