Last week, we were optimistic about this episode of Jersey Shore. It seemed like the show was finally getting back on track, and that there was, perhaps, some semblance of a plot brewing to make up for the lack of one in recent episodes. After watching last night's hour, however, we're sad to report that we were but foolish viewers; nothing's changed, and it doesn't seem like much is going to in the near future. We almost can't believe we're saying this, but perhaps it's time for MTV to consider that maybe, just maybe, summer's finally over at the shore.
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)
Yes, That Was Angelina
When we left off last week, Snooki and Vinny were just wrapping up their "friend-date" before anything potentially relationship-wrecking could happen between them. Here, the happy not-couple returns back to the house from their not-date to face the confused faces of their roommates who are convinced something must be going on. Though Snooki and Vinny make a beeline for Vinny's room, presumably to avoid conversation, Deena and Pauly follow and try to grill the not-couple to find out about their not-chemistry. Deena asks if there's anything between the two of them, and Snooki quickly denies it, much to Pauly's delight. No one gets with his man, you know? OTP, you guys!
Deena calls up her boy-toy from last week, Joey, and asks if he wants to get together with her. She's clearly insinuating that they should smush, but Joey doesn't seem to take the bait; he kind of blows her off, and instead says he'll see her at Karma the next night. She begrudgingly accepts this, assuming that he's just busy, and goes out anyway with the guys (minus Ronnie) to get over the pain of her rejection.
What should be a rather low-key night at the club turns pretty strange when Pauly bumps into, of all people, Angelina, on the dance floor. Yes, that Angelina. Suddenly, it's 2009 again, and for a moment we're hopeful that perhaps this show can regain its appeal. Unfortunately, though, Pauly avoids speaking to Angelina, as if she has the bubonic plague (and let's be honest, she probably does). He quickly ditches her before she can get any screen time. Later, both Sitch and Pauly try to bring girls home, but both are unsuccessful in getting any smush time in that night. Oh, well.
The next morning, Sitch orders breakfast for everyone in the form of bagels from a local cafĂ©. A nice gesture, yes, but when the delivery actually arrives, he doesn't have any money to give to the delivery boy. After waking up a few of the roommates to ask if they have any cash, Sitch decides that, in lieu of a tip, it'd be a better idea to just give the guy a protein shake instead. Doesn't he know that's how houses get egged?
The Smush Room Will Never Be Romantic
Later, Jenni goes to a sex shop with Sammi and Deena to prepare for Roger's arrival. Apparently, it's their one-year anniversary, and she wants to make sure it's special by decking out the smush room in rose petals and bondage toys. Romance? Class? Who needs either! This is Seaside Heights!
Jenni makes her purchases and the girls head back to the shore house so Jenni can begin prepping the smush room (read: cleaning every inch of it). On the way home, the subject of Deena's guy Joey comes up. Both Jenni and Sammi tell her to watch out because he sounds like he's being shady, but Deena is too lovestruck to listen to them; instead, she thinks they just don't understand because they have boyfriends.
Meanwhile, Snooki, Sitch, and Ronnie head to work. Sitch surprises everyone (including us) by actually doing his job and doing it well, but no one really thinks twice about it. They should, though, because don't they know that Sitch is only ever nice and does what he's supposed to do when he's planning something? Come on, we just watch the show and we know that.
Lo and behold, during break, Sitch calls his friend with the dumb name, The Unit, to talk about their diabolical plan for the night that will probably ruin Snooki's life. You know, the one he's been talking about since Season Four? We guess shit is going down tonight. Whatever. We'll believe it when we see it.
Back at the house, Pauly and Vinny complain a lot about the fact that the smush room is being used for couples more than conquests. Jealous much, guys? To play a prank on Jenni, they move the bed outside onto the deck while she's in the shower in hopes of sending a message that they don't want the room to be utilized at all that night. It doesn't quite work, however, because when Jenni sees what they've done, she merely moves the bed back in the room and sets up for her special night. And everyone is horrified by the wide array of sex toys than Jenni has spent money on.
It's Just Another Night At Karma...
That night, everyone, plus Roger, heads out to their favorite nightclub, Karma, to party. Honestly, we're not sure why they even go there anymore, because it seems like every time they do some problematic shit goes down; statistically, it just doesn't seem smart to go there. Then again, at least if they stick to Karma, we'll know where to avoid if we ever find ourselves in Seaside.
Just as we expected, shit does end up going down. In one area of the club, Snooki meets up with Jionni's parents who, apparently, go to the same clubs as their son and his girlfriend. It's weird, but it probably ends up saving Snooks a lot of trouble, because as soon as Sitch sees that Jionni's parents are present, he calls off his dog (The Unit, that is) and quickly decides to wait and pull off his master plan when they're not around. "You don't want it to get too messy," he explains in excuse, at which we scoff. We knew he wouldn't go through with it. He never does! Snooki, seeing The Unit is at the club, quickly pulls Jionni to the side and requests that they leave immediately. Crisis averted, for now.
Somewhere else in the club, Deena is finally seeing Joey's true colors. They end up getting in a bit of a fight, and Deena storms off broken-hearted while Joey watches from a balcony with a friend standing next to him. He mumbles something like, "Can you believe that chick?" just as another girl approaches him with crazy intense bedroom eyes. Yes, we can believe Deena: You, sir, are the one we can't believe.
Deciding that it would be better to approach his plan back at the house where Jionni's parents are not present, Sitch drags The Unit out of the club so they can head home. Unfortunately, though, The Unit is wasted, and noticeably so; he can barely walk straight. After a few minutes of stumbling around, he's arrested for what seems like public drunkenness, and, thus, taken off to jail by the NJPD. Truth be told, we're skeptical that public drunkenness was the only reason he was arrested; from his appearance, he doesn't seem just drunk. Which is just speculation, of course, but we're assuming that this might have something to do with it all.
Sitch heads home and tells everyone the news. Ronnie, who knows how the town's legal system works from experience, tells Sitch that he might as well sleep because there's no chance The Unit is going to be released before tomorrow, anyway. Looks like Mike's big plan is derailed for the night, again.
Or, not. The next morning, as Sitch walks into the kitchen, he runs right into Jionni. Alone. Sans Snooki. Quickly seeing his opportunity, he ushers Jionni outside saying that they need to talk about something private. "I'm just gonna make this, like, really quick and like, painless as possible," he tells him as the episode ends, and we can only hope that he's referring to the rest of the episodes left in the season.
The Episode's Best Quotes
"I'm just so good with women...there definitely should be a butter named after me, because I'm so smooth." - The Situation. No.
"In the guido world, protein is like money. I'm giving out protein powder, I'm trying to better your life!" - The Situation, bettering the world one delivery boy at a time.
"Dude, I got one of Mike's babies on my chin." - Vinny, as he moves the smush bed
"Every time you answer the door, you're like more naked than the last time." - Roger, to Jenni