This week's hour of Jersey Shore finally wrapped up a plot line we've seen brewing for the past two seasons: The Situation's plan to ruin Snooki's life by telling Jionni about his and Snooki's alleged hook-up finally came to fruition. We really had been beginning to wonder if Sitch would ever actually go through with it, and bro really cut it close waiting until the penultimate episode of the season to make his move. We suppose it was some sort of tactic to save the biggest drama for the end, but, spoiler alert, it doesn't even end up making a difference since we all know how the Snooki/Jionni saga ends. Anyway, now that Sitch's psychosis is out of his system, maybe we can stop focusing on it for the last episode of the season next week? Maybe?
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)
The Gang Gets in a Food Fight
We begin where we left off last week, with The Situation and Jionni sitting on the deck about to have a talk, man-to-man. Sitch stays true to his word and delivers his intended blow in the form of a confession that he slept with Snooki while she was with Jionni, a plan he's been brewing in that terrible mind of his for the past two seasons. He tells Jionni everything in a very matter-of-fact tone, as if this isn't actually his diabolical plan and he doesn't want to ruin Snooki's life and stuff.
Surprisingly, Jionni doesn't really reply - he merely shakes Sitch's hand and heads back in the house to go back to bed. Sitch takes this as a sign that Jionni doesn't care about Snooki, but, to us, it seems like he probably doesn't believe Sitch at all. Who would, after having seen at least one episode of this show? Jionni has gained ten respect points in our minds.
Jionni slips right back into bed beside Snooki and tells her what Sitch just told him, and adds that he doesn't believe the "rumor." Called it! Snooki is visibly angry, but comments that she doesn't want to deal with this right now and goes back to sleep. So, that was it, Sitch's diabolical plan - over in under five minutes. We feel like a gypped customer or something, because this has been two seasons in the making, we at least expected some bat-shit crazy fighting over it. Alas, looks like we'll be waiting a while.
On the roof deck, Sitch tells Ronnie and Sam that he told Jionni about the alleged hook-up, and describes Jionni's reaction to the two. Sammi comments that it's weird Jionni didn't react, and that if it was her boyfriend, "he'd be bugging out." Yes, Sammi, that's because your boyfriend is Ronnie. They agree that something is weird.
Sitch walks back in the house and runs into Snooki, who informs him they'll never be friends again, cementing this statement by throwing some pickles at him. For the casual viewer, this means she's really angry, because pickles are practically sacred to her.
Later, everyone decides to get into a food fight during dinner. Since Snooki is so mad at Sitch for trying to ruin her life, though, the food fight really just becomes a war between Snooki and Sitch, with mostly Snooki trying to waterboard Sitch or something. That's what it looks like anyway. It soon devolves into a screaming match that consists of Snooki screaming what we were all thinking, "You had to wait until today, because you fucking suck!" Yeah, even she thinks that he took too long with his damn master plan.
So, it's been about a day since the last episode at this point. Now, we've gotta ask: WTF happened to Sitch's friend with the dumb name, The Unit? Didn't he just get arrested in the last episode? Wasn't Sitch so worried about him that he didn't even want to go to sleep? Did anyone even remember he was in jail or was he stuck waiting on the curb like a kid whose parent forgot they had to pick them up from soccer practice? These are the things we want to know, MTV!
One Is the Loneliest Number When You're a Meatball
The next day, the meatballs plus Ronnie go to their last shift of "work" for the summer at the Shore Store. They actually arrive on time (weird, right?) and spend most of their time there talking about an impending camping trip that Snooki and Deena are clearly not prepared for. Ronnie is excited to see whether or not they will survive, as are we.
The group gets home, and Deena calls that asshole guy she keeps seeing, Joey, and asks him out. No one likes him, though, and for good reason - he's an asshole. Perhaps all that drinking is affecting her memory, but we certainly remember the scene from last week where she stormed off crying from the club after getting in a fight with him and he just found another girl and went on having fun without her. Luckily, everybody else sees the truth about Joey as well, and manage to coax her into canceling her date with him for the night. Well, OK, technically she gets Pauly and Jenni to cancel the date with Joey for her. Same diff.
Instead, Deena goes out with Jenni, Sammi, and Ronnie. On the outside deck of the bar, Deena tells Jenni how she misses Snooki, because she's always off with Jionni instead of going out with everyone. She is but half a meatball, and that is unacceptable. Oh Deena, if their relationship is bugging you now, you just wait until March 2012!
The next morning, everyone goes camping in the Jersey wilderness, and are pretty excited about it for some reason. Clearly, they've never seen The X-Files, because this is a no-no. Pauly and Vinny opt not to go because they want the house to themselves so they can prank everyone when they get back, because they are complete dorks. They enlist Danny to help them set up some sort of elaborate prank, and Danny agrees because he wants to get back at the meatballs for slacking off during their fake jobs.
Elsewhere, the rest of the roommates arrive at their campsite - Jersey devil nowhere in sight. They quickly try to set up their tents, a few of them actually surprising us with how much they know about not dying in the wilderness. Except for Sitch, who tries to start a fire so big that it is legitimately a hazard and probably a threat to the surrounding foliage. He's attracted to fire and danger, he says, and Deena comments that this makes him a hermaphrodite. Worth it.
Who Knew There Were So Many Spiders in Jersey?
Back in the house, Pauly and Vinny plus Danny and his crew have completely flipped the house upside down. Literally, as in, they've moved the rooftop furniture to the living room, and the house furniture - including everyone's beds - to the roof. Hope it doesn't rain! They seem excited, though, and Danny makes the two of them promise to let him know everyone's reaction when the time comes.
That night, in the Jersey woods, Sitch becomes really paranoid that something is following and watching him. OK, so maybe he's seen The X-Files. He retreats to his tent, leaving Deena, Snooki, Jenni, Sammi, and Ronnie to talk about how Snooki isn't really spending time with everyone anymore. Snooki thinks that Deena is jealous that she's fallen in love, and comments that she doesn't want to feel guilty for being with Jionni and wanting to spend time with him, but she also doesn't want Deena to feel bad. Her problems are so totally difficult. The conversation remains mostly unfinished by the time everyone goes to bed.
The next morning, everyone heads home. Or, at least, they try to - their whole campsite has become overrun with spiders and other creatures, because they don't know how to camp and they left out tons of trash and food.
It takes a while to shoo away all the gigantic spiders, but they eventually succeed and quickly jump in their cars to head back to the house and the impending doom of Vin and Pauly's prank that awaits them.
Best Quotes of the Episode
"Don't throw those pickles, they're fresh!" - Sitch kind of knows what's up
"Oh my god, the wilderness! This is the wilderness, right?" - No, Deena, it's New Jersey.
"It takes a lot to pitch my tent. ...pretty big." - Sitch, no one wants to know
"I can't believe he has the brain span to set it up." - Ronnie is surprised that Sitch can do things
"I'm from the Bronx. The closest thing I see to people camping outside is homeless people." - Ronnie - who needs tact in Jersey Shore?
"I'm very creative when it comes to pissing." - Sitch, we don't want to know this either
"Mike, put down the fire...he's like one of those people, a hermaphrodite or something." - Deena means pyromaniac...we think