The Best & Worst Super Bowl XLVI Commercials

Which ads converted for the win? Which failed on every drive?

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After watching Eli Manning and the New York Giants defeat pretty boy Tom Brady and his “decapitated” (per G-Man Brandon Jacobs’s post-game interview) New England Patriots, are you now motivated to go buy a new Honda whip? Or play hooky from work today and binge on a 12-pack of Bud Light? How about watch a marathon of NBC’s The Voice? Yeah, not us, either.

That’s not what big-pocketed advertisers are hoping for, though, since this year’s batch of Super Bowl commercials was the most expensive to date, with a 30-second spot averaging $3.5 million each—a massive increase since the 1973 days of 30-second ads costing a mere $88,000.

Per usual, beer distributors, car companies, and the horndogs at Go Daddy dropped heavy coin on an altogether underwhelming crop of time-killers between the actual game’s moments of downtime. The action on the field, of course, was first-rate, making 2012’s largely weak lineup of ads all the more disappointing. In our hangover of binging on chips, guacamole, and booze, we’ve singled out the five best and five worst Super Bowl XLVI commercials, which, in such an inferior year for corporate salesmen, was no easy task.

Written by Matt Barone (@MBarone)

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Skechers' "Mr. Quiggly"

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BEST: Skechers’ “Go Run, Mr. Quiggly!”

With all the money that’s wasted on paying big-name celebrities to sleepwalk their way through overdone commercials, it’s wonderful to know that, in the end, it’s the simplest idea that wins the evening. In Skechers’ only spot of the night, it’s a dog race in which the small, feisty French Bulldog should stand no chance—unless, of course, you put a tiny pair of Skechers’ kicks on his paws. Capped off by a killer moonwalk, Mr. Quiggly’s big moment is the kind of commercial that will always ring out some genuine laughs. Even if an unnecessary, last-second cameo from Mark Cuban nearly spoils it.

The Naked Brown M&M

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BEST: The “Naked” Brown M&M

You know it’s a slow year for Super Bowl commercials when a naked M&M is one of the night’s most memorable spots. But that was the case with last night’s candy-coated highlight, in which the “sexy” brown-shelled M&M gets mistaken as a naked treat by both a douchey human and a fellow piece of talking chocolate, the latter ripping off its shell to the sounds of LMFAO’s obnoxiously hokey “Sexy And I Know It.” Against our better judgment, we laughed—like we said, it was a really bad night overall. Beggars can’t be choosers here.

Chrysler's "Halftime In America"

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BEST: Clint Eastwood and Chrysler, “It’s Halftime In America”

Typically, celebrities use Super Bowl commercials to shamelessly cash in with random cameos and/or unfunny routines, but Clint Eastwood would never go out like that. Easily the night’s most unexpected A-lister in any commercial, the grizzled Hollywood icon used his seasoned presence and gruff voice to inspire Americans of all backgrounds, whether they bleed G-Men blue or root for the Pats. Strategically aired right before Madonna’s big halftime concert, Eastwood’s Chrysler spot, set against a Detroit backdrop, gave struggling and uncertain Americans a rallying cry fit for a Tom Coughlin locker room pep talk.

Teleflora's Valentine's Day Spot

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BEST: Teleflora’s Valentine’s Day Spot, With Adriana Lima

The brainiest marketing heads of the night? The brass at online floral delivery service Teleflora, who were intelligent enough to know that all it takes to win beer-chugging, chest-bumping football lovers’ attention in the midst of Super Bowl nirvana is Adriana Lima at her most suggestive. Though it would’ve been infinitely better had she performed the routine in some Victoria’s Secret attire, Lima’s sadly brief public service message offered a basic rule of thumb for dudes heading into Valentine’s Day with hopes of getting it in: “Give, and you shall receive.” To be fair, though, Miss Lima could’ve said “Eli Manning is a punk” and Giants fans would still bow down.

Bud Light's "Here, Weego"

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BEST: Bud Light’s “Here, Weego!”

It looks like we could have the modern-day Spuds MacKenzie on our hands. Like Bud Light’s original cooler-than-ice canine, Weego the ratty-haired pooch is the life of the party, except, unlike Spuds, Weego doesn’t have chicks in bikinis flanking him everywhere he goes. Instead, Bud Light’s latest doggie star is the ultimate beer wench, doing whatever it takes to supply partygoers with cold brews. Man’s best friend, indeed.

The Voice's Action Promo

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WORST: The Voice’s Kung Fu Spot, Featuring Betty White

So, did you know that the new season of NBC’s reality singing competition show The Voice was set to debut immediately after the post-game ceremony last night? Of course you did—NBC beat us all over the head with endless reminders, from the dozen or so promos to judge Cee-Lo Green’s useless guest appearance during Madonna’s halftime performance.

The worst Voice sales pitch of all, however, was this ridiculous poor man’s Mortal Kombat, with judges Cee-Lo, Christina Aguilera, Adam Levine, and Blake Shelton scrapping against one another so that the last one standing can recruit the owner of a glorious-sounding voice, And who is that? Betty White, once again proving that, when all else fails, Hollywood can just call on the ubiquitous 90-year-old to save the day. Or drop sexual one-liners that are just a wee bit inappropriate, not to mention icky.

Audi's Vampire Spot

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WORST: Audi’s Twilight-Inspired Vampire Spot

This one doesn’t have a bad concept, in theory. The new headlights on Audi vehicles are so bright and strong that they have the same effects on vampires as sunlight, causing the undead to burst into mists of glittery nothingness. But the vamps themselves in this commercial reek too heavily of Twilight aping, right down to the way a couple of them rapidly climb up a tree and the fact that they’re all attractive twenty-somethings. Honestly, we would’ve preferred a teaser trailer for Breaking Dawn – Part 2 over this, and lord knows we’re dreading that flick’s impending release.

Honda's "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" Revival

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WORST: Honda’s Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Spot, With Matthew Broderick

Or, as we’ll forever refer to it, Ferris Bueller’s Darkest Hour. Resurrecting a character that nobody wants to see in the form of a lame 49-year-old actor, Honda’s painfully miscalculated modernization of Matthew Broderick’s once-cool character is the ultimate example of a joke falling flat on its proverbial face. May John Hughes’ ghost haunt Mr. Broderick as a result.

Volkswagen's "The Dog Strikes Back"

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WORST: Volkswagen’s “The Dog Strikes Back”

At first, Volkswagen’s big Super Bowl commercial had us in good spirits. The foolproof formula was in check: Get a dog, have it do uncharacteristic actions (in this case, work out and lose doggy fat in order to chase down a Volkswagen car), and make animal lovers of all kinds stand up and cheer. But then, for no good reason other than to give George Lucas even more Star Wars money, a twist involving Darth Vader kicks in and totally ruins all of the poor canine’s hard work.

Acura's "Number One"

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WORST: Acura’s “Number One” Spot, With Jerry Seinfeld

One day, advertisers will realize that Super Bowl commercials featuring celebrities are, more often than not, horrible. It’s as if marketing types think that the sight of Jerry Seinfeld doing his usual goofball shtick alone will make audiences laugh, which it very well could for some. We, on the other hand, would appreciate it if Acura’s pay-for-hire writers gave the comedian material even half as clever as the bits on his classic sitcom Seinfeld, rather than scripting a dull spot with all the comedic panache of Jay Leno’s Tonight Show monologues and sketches—an appearance from the big-chinned one himself included.

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