Despite the fact that the cast is back on their home turf in Seaside Heights, much of this season has unfortunately been just more of the same. What once made Jersey Shore so shamelessly compelling—i.e., crazy fights, fascinating insights into the art of fist-pumping, watching how high Snooki could make her poof—has disappeared to accommodate drama that's so clearly contrived that we're not sure how anyone could even pretend to take it seriously, let alone the cast members themselves. We'd hoped to see something new this season, yet so far the main drama has literally been Vinny leaving for like two episodes even though he's under contract. And, get this, the hot tub hasn't even been used once! Until we see a return to basics (fingers crossed), at least we have The Situation's delusions to amuse us.
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)
The Situation Might Actually Have A Mental Problem
The episode opens pretty much where we left off last week, with Sitch continuing to prove his psycho nature by claiming that he's figured out how Snooki is the one talking shit behind his back. The problem with this, and with most of the season as a whole, is that Sitch keeps blaming everybody else for the reason his life sucks, and he goes on and on about how he's a villain because someone has to be, but then he does nothing but concoct more made-up drama in his head. In reality, we're pretty sure Snooki has no ill feelings towards Sitch despite the fact that he's tried to mess with her relationship numerous times, but your boy Mike doesn't seem to see it that way. This is what normal people call a delusion, and it needs to be treated with massive therapy. Or, perhaps, he's as bored filming these episodes as we are watching them, so he has to create this drama in his own head just so he won't go crazy from the monotony of everything! It's unlikely, but a better explanation than the more likely "He's just crazy." Whatever.
In an effort to get revenge against Snooki, Sitch decides Deena is the way to get to her. He makes a call to his brother, who is dating Deena's sister, and gets some information about her, most of which is bleeped out. Thus, we're not actually sure what's going on. We might be able to guess if we cared enough, but this show doesn't exactly merit the exertion of brain cells.
Elsewhere, Jenni is simultaneously sad and pissed-off that Roger has been giving her the slip lately. Once again, she should probably read He's Just Not That Into You and move on; a guy who ditches going to the beach with you where he will see you scantily-clad in favor of doing other things is most definitely not that into you. Jenni yells a lot about this.
Later that night, everyone decides to go out, because this show is absolutely not predictable at all. Snooki tries to invite a sleeping Mike, but he's snoring too loudly to hear her.
At the club, it's rather normal behavior for everyone except Jenni, who's depressed about Roger. Snooki drinks away her coherency, Vinny and Pauly pick up chicks, and Deena plays wing-woman for Vinny, probably because he's still in a "fragile state." This involves keeping a girl occupied on the dance floor for him while he chats up another woman; should he fail, Deena's girl would be his back-up. It seems like overkill, but he does end up failing, so perhaps being prepared wasn't such a bad idea.
After stumbling home and passing out for a few hours, Snooki wakes up still drunk. She tries to get on the roof to lie in the hammock they apparently have up there, but she's not coordinated enough to do so and ends up on the ground. She jokes in her drunken stupor that needs AA meetings. No one is laughing.
Pauly's Stalker Isn't Very Good At Stalking
It seems like an eternity later, but Roger finally calls Jenni. She's willing to still meet up with him and make good on their plans to go out despite the fact that she's mad at him. He tells her that he's running late because he's still at work, which does not please Jenni. As a result, she yells things that make sense to him on the phone before hanging up in a huff. Head-bitch-in-charge, over here.
Snooki and Deena, who need to stop calling themselves "meatballs," head off to "work" with Pauly at the Shore Store. They could care less, however, and it doesn't take long for them to run off from work to go get drunk at a nearby bar. Honestly, if these two never showed up, we're sure nothing would happen anyway; they say they could get fired and kicked out of the house, but there's all that pesky legal stuff like, well, their contracts, that protect them from that. Whatever. Danny notices that they're gone, obviously, and finds them in no time. He is not amused. He gets them back at work, but after what seems like a few moments, they leave again to go drink. This is indicative of a real problem.
While Snooki and Deena head off to get day-wasted, Pauly holds down the fort in the Shore Store. Or, at least, he attempts to, but is too freaked out by some girl who keeps staring at him from the boardwalk. He's seen her around a lot lately, and he's pretty sure she's been stalking him. "The stalker," as she will now be called, does not look like she has normal teeth. He goes home and tells Jenni. She asks him if he's seen Misery.
Back at the house, Sitch wakes up at night like the vampire he is to find that no one is home. He's bummed out, because, as he tells the camera, he likes to "isolate himself," but he also likes to "know people care." As if she heard him, Snooki comes home not too long later and invites Sitch out for a drink with her and Deena. Though just moments ago he'd been bummed that no one was around, he's suddenly back into delusional villain mode and accepts because he wants to keep his friends close and enemies closer. This is not normal.
Vinny and Pauly, meanwhile, are out at another bar trying to pick up their nightly chick, respextively. Unfortunately, Pauly's stalker is at the bar, a fact that significantly hurts his game. Finding this hilarious, Vinny suggests that she actually approach him this time, because he clearly hasn't seen Misery. Luckily, she's nothing like Annie Wilkes, and the two have a relatively normal conversation. Her name is Vanessa, it turns out, and her teeth really are busted. Pauly makes small talk with her for a bit before sneaking out unnoticed, and visibly uncomfortable.
He's Just Not That Into You, Jenni
The next say, Deena realizes that perhaps running off on her job twice in one day to go get drunk is a little unprofessional, so she calls Danny to half-heartedly apologize. Danny isn't going to fire them (obviously), but it doesn't seem like all is forgiven just yet. Snooki, on the other hand, does not call.
As mentioned before, Deena's sister Joanie is dating Sitch's brother. Well, kind of. Sitch, being the delusional and crazy person he's turned into, calls his friend with the dumb name, a.k.a. The Unit, up to ask about Joanie's relationship with his sibling. Unit tells him that Sitch's brother has been "smashing and dashing" Joanie, and there's nothing serious there. Deena overhears, but Mike lies about the content of his call and she actually believes him. She has learned nothing.
Then, in what is probably the most shocking twist we've seen all season, Joanie herself calls Mike. He is visibly shocked as he talks to her, because clearly she must be psychic to randomly call at a time like this. The conversation is rather boring, save for the fact that it's mind-boggling how much Joanie sounds like Deena. She says that her and Sitch's brother are cool, and Sitch doesn't correct her even though Unit has just told him otherwise. What an evil, evil plan! Insert exaggerated eye-roll, please.
Later, Vinny and Pauly run into Roger at the gym. Roger's upset that Jenni is mad at him, and he tells both guys that if Jenni is expecting him to cave and call first, she'll be waiting a long time. After hearing this, Vinny sides with Roger despite the fact that Jenni is clearly right, and he says that he thinks Jenni needs to grow up. Weirdly enough, Jenni listens to Vinny, and decides to swallow her pride and call Roger to apologize.
After she finishes, however, Roger may as well have been singing a One Republic song, because he doesn't quite accept her apology. He goes off on her for not trusting him, and asks her to make a choice: Does she trust him, or not?
The Episode's Best Quotes
"I hate to see Jenni sad ... but at least she got her hair done, so that's good." - Deena
"I've never been this drunk in my life." - Snooki, hyperbole of the century
"In Arkansas, it's always dark out. Always." - Snooki
"You ever see 'Misery'?" - Jenni, in response to Pauly telling her he has a stalker
"A leopard never sheds its stripes." - Deena