Buzz Kill: The 10 Stupidest Ways to Consume Alcohol

Image via Complex Original

On this day in 1933, Prohibition in the United States came to an end. A truly unlucky thirteen years, Prohibition in America banned the sale, manufacture, and transportation of booze. The awful reign of the teetotalers ended so that we could once again be drunk and merry (legally—of course drunken merriment endured during Prohibition). But on the downside, people could once again drink in incredibly dumb ways.

Recently the news has been full of scare mongering about teens injuring themselves with vodka-soaked tampons. This is just the tip of the dirty iceberg. Read on for the 10 stupidest ways to consume alcohol.

10. Snorting

There are a few inherent dangers to snorting vodka. First, you'll burn your sinuses. Second, you're quickly set up for rapid blackout. Still interested? Oh, you mean you still want to do it because of that photo of Prince Henry enjoying it? All right, g'head.

9. Body Shots

Would you eat off most girls you meet at a bar? Of course not. However, the allure of sucking a shot out of a cutie's navel is strong. Resist it. For the love of everything, resist.

8. Shotgunning

The binge drinker's staple, shotgunning beers may prove your capacity for speed drinking, but it also makes you look like a moron. Just like the guys in that photo. Ask yourself: "Do you want to stand calf-deep in the river of shame, wearing those sunglasses?"

7. Keg Stands

Even in college this is stupid. Stop lying to yourself. The hands around your ankles, the swallowing with your head below your heart—this isn't fun. Or cool. You hate this. Because we all hate this.

6. Jello Shots

Jello shots are akin to getting a handjob at a middle school dance. Fun, but ultimately a little painful. And just dripping with shame.

5. Soaked Tampon

Hats off to the inventive teens who pioneered ingesting alcohol in this most peculiar way. And then someone needs to shake them terribly hard and ask them what the hell they were thinking. Don't do this. Just. Please. Don't.

4. Bonging

Bonging anything is stupid. "Yeah, braw, I count my drinks in terms of building storys: I only bong high-rises." Liquor bonging is buying a first class ticket on the black-out choo-choo and then laying your body across the tracks. This is how people wake up in their cars, too afraid to check the grill for the blood of unfortunate pedestrians.

3. Eyeball Chugging

People tell you not to drink bootleg liquor because it could blind you if it hasn't been distilled properly. This is the fun way to get straight to that point. It's also just another way to get booze into your system faster while simultaneously burning the most delicate parts of your body. Genius.

2. Ass Chugging

Definition [via Urban Dictionary]: "Similar to a beer bong, but the consumption of beer is rectally [sic], using a funnel and tube to administer the beer as an enema. The primary purpose of butt chugging as opposed to drinking beer is that alcohol administered as an enema has 3x the effect of alcohol taken orally."

This is the alcoholic's equivalent of chasing heroin from a strip of tin foil. Not only will you black out instantly, you'll also scorch your insides with alcohol. And not just any of your insides—we're talking about your rectum.

1. Alcohol-Infused Whipped Cream

The company describes their product as "whipahol." Let's just pause on that word for a moment.

Now think about what this would be like to consume. It contains no dairy. It's not supposed to be refrigerated. This is stupid on levels that demands federal regulation. We need whipahol prohibition.

There's a tiny voice echoing around the room saying, "You're better off doing whippets." But remember: the tiny voice said it, not us.