You are Sam “Serious” Stone. Imagine a pile of nails, semen, and pornographic magazines brought to life through sorcery and you’ll have an accurate mental picture of the gruff hero. He wears blue jeans and sunglasses and a tight tee, but at least he’s civil enough to tuck it in properly. So eat it, Nathan Drake.

Sam is joined by a colorful cast of comrades who say things like “It’s my birthday. I should be doing blow off a stripper’s ass.” They’re not important, though, and most of your murdering will be done alone.

A skeleton of a story exists, but it’s serviceable at best and forgettable at worst. Aliens are here and they’re killing everybody. Salvation seemingly lies within an excavated artifact. That’s all I need to say. If you’re for a deep and thoughtful narrative, turn now and run. What you should really be here for is the chaotic and satisfying gameplay, the department in which Serious Sam 3 truly delivers.

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