How would you guys go about incorporating Halloween’s pagan roots into your trick-or-treating fun?
Blake Anderson: Now see, I have a very strong stance on looting kids for candy. I feel like that’s one of the most fucked up things a human can do. And if you’re looting candy from kids you should burn in hell.
Adam DeVine: Yeah, that wasn’t the question.
Blake Anderson: Oh.
Anders Holm: What people don’t realize is that the most pagan thing to do is to Oreo somebody’s car. They’ve branded the name “Oreo” but people were doing that long before the Nabisco company existed.
Adam DeVine: I don’t really know what the term pagan means, but all I think of is, like, witches. For some reason I just think of Selma Blair. Why do I think of Selma Blair when I think of pagan rituals?
If you’re dressed like Jadakiss, you’re getting your teeth knocked in! —Anders Holm
Blake Anderson: Blair Witch Project.
Adam DeVine: Maybe I’m thinking of Neve Campbell but I’m saying Selma Blair.
Anders Holm: Interchangeable.
Adam DeVine: Yeah, same person.
Blake Anderson: Remember when you got those Good News things in your trick-or-treat bag and it was just like a little religious book, and it would say “Good News!” and then it was full of activities.
Adam DeVine: Activia?
Blake Anderson: That used to make me mad when I was a kid; I wanted candy. Nobody remembers that? Maybe that’s just my religious hometown.
Adam DeVine: I say fuck the pagan rituals. It’s all about the candy. I mean, what does pagan rituals mean? That’s like Satan, right? Like you’re killing, misleading, drinking blood, things like that?
Anders Holm: Pagan means no god or multiple gods?
Adam DeVine: Snow Dogs?
Blake Anderson: Wear a goat head.
Adam DeVine: If we ever do another interview with Complex, can you please dumb the questions down so that we can fully understand them?
Blake Anderson: Nothing over five letters.
Halloween is over five letters.
Blake Anderson: What is that? Spanish?
Adam DeVine: And we’ll have to Skype next time. 'Cause I dressed up for this shit.
Anders Holm: I’m wearing a fucking Ariel costume.
Adam DeVine: I’m a Treasure Troll with a flesh colored jumpsuit and a jewel in my belly.
Blake Anderson: I’m Shaq from Kazaam.
What are acceptable pranks for adult trick-or-treaters to pull?
Adam DeVine: I always liked the cool dads that would like dress up as a scarecrow in their front yard and then, when six-year-old little girls would go up to the door, they would just leap out and scare the shit out of them and they would cry. I always thought that was pretty acceptable.
Adam DeVine: Totally acceptable. This is the one time in your life that it’s totally cool to make children cry by scaring the shit out of them. It’s the one day out of the year where you can get away with being a total asshole to children.
So that could be a measure of how successful the night was? How many children cried?
Adam DeVine: That’s when you know it was a good Halloween, when 15 or more children left your front yard in tears.
Anders Holm: Yeah, you collect the tears and that’s when you get back to that pagan ritual. Boiling tears?
Now you got it. That’s pagan.
Adam DeVine: Yeah, and it comes full circle: Dane Cook.
Anders Holm: Wassup, Dane!
What is the best candy bag to carry as an adult?
Blake Anderson: Remember those plastic orange pumpkin things?
Adam DeVine: Yeah, they didn’t house enough candy, though.
Blake Anderson: Yeah, that’s what not to use—those are for losers!
Anders Holm: I would use, like, a military rucksack and also just dress in a military jacket, like I just got back from the war. And I would just probably not trick-or-treat. I would just walk around having, like, crazy flashbacks in front of children.
Adam DeVine: Since I’m an adult, I would use my car.
Anders Holm: The trunk.
Adam DeVine: It’d be like when you’re delivering newspapers as a little kid and you like sit in the trunk, or you like sit in the back of your mother’s minivan with the hatch open and you just bail out the back. That’s what you do.
Anders Holm: It gives a whole new meaning to "candy-paint driving."
Blake Anderson: For hip-hop fans, that’s like a new paint job, I think.
Adam DeVine: Or trunk-waving.
Would you dress appropriately for that? Would you dress up as Paul Wall? Would you grill yourself out and everything?
Adam DeVine: Fuck yeah.
Anders Holm: I would get as close to Paul Wall-looking as possible. And then I would just pull my small dick out of my jeans and everybody would be like, "That’s not Paul Wall. He’s got a little dick. Look how little Paul Wall’s dick is."
Adam DeVine: I’ve got a huge dick.
How do you spot the difference between a good house and a bad house that’s gonna stiff you?
Anders Holm: I think you’ve got to go straight to the trash cans, and you just look at what kind of food the family’s been eating. If it’s like a lot of fat people food, like just a shit load of Tombstone wrappers or DiGornio’s in there, you know they’re going to buy really good candy.
Adam DeVine: I would say the more pillars that they have in their front yard, the bigger treat you’re gonna get. Because I remember when I was a kid we would ride our bikes to the rich neighborhood and just go attack mode on that neighborhood because they would give out full candy bars. I was a really fat kid, by the way.
Blake Anderson: I don’t know. I’d just say stay away from the dark ones. The houses...goddammit.