Kids suck. Most of them don't have to work in sweatshops anymore, and they expect to be provided for so they can run off and enjoy childhood. So why is it exactly that these little hellions are rewarded with a day when they get to dress up in costumes and have people shower them with candy? Fuck that. In 2011, it's time for adults to make Halloween trick-or-treating our own.
Of course, a lot of people think it's wrong for grown men to wear costumes and beg for sweets, but those people are stupid, so Complex got with three dudes who know that you should never grow up, the stars of Comedy Central's slacker comedy series Workaholics, to figure out how to make it happen. Check out the video above, in which Adam DeVine, Blake Anderson, and Anders Holm share The Workaholics' Guide To Adult Trick-Or-Treating.
And for even more advice on how to get down on Halloween, check out the extended Q&A from the October/November issue below.
Interview by Ross Scarano (@RossScarano)
Complex: First off, how should you deal with nay-sayers, people who say that there’s something wrong with adults trick-or-treating?
Adam DeVine: The great part about Halloween is you get to wear a costume. So, if you’re out and about in your costume and someone nay-says, you can always just get real violent with them because they won’t know who you are. Violence is just kind of the way to go on Halloween.
Blake Anderson: It is the devil’s night!
Anders Holm: I think that you should just hear them out because maybe they have something worthwhile to say. Maybe you are too old.
Adam, do you have any particular form of violence that you would use?
Adam DeVine: I’d just thumb through my bag of goodies and try to peel the razor blade out of a Tootsie Roll that was stuffed in there. Getting the candy home and taking all the razor blades out, that was a real issue as a kid. So I’d really just take one from there and do a slice-and-dice.
That makes total sense.
Adam DeVine: Oh, and by the way, I’m a serial killer.
As a costume or just in general?
Adam DeVine: Pure real life. That’s a cool rumor to start about yourself.
At some point though you might have to back it up, though.
Adam DeVine: Yeah. We’ll see. I’m looking to get a guest-starring role on Dexter. Season 9 of Dexter, I’m going to be the John Lithgow character.
Blake Anderson: Spoiler alert!
Adam DeVine: Spoiler alert!
What are the pros and cons of trick-or-treating solo, with other adults, or with a kid? Are you rolling alone? Are you taking a child for respectability?
Adam DeVine: If you go solo people are going to think that you’re out to not just eat candy but—
Blake Anderson: —but to eat little boys’ buttholes.
Adam DeVine: I wasn’t going that way necessarily, but now that he said it, I totally agree with him. So you kind of have to roll with the pack, make it fun, smell like booze, and hopefully you’re gonna meet a cool guy who’s going to back the truck up on you and drop some full Kit-Kat bars on your face.
Blake Anderson: I don’t think you should roll with kids or adults. The cool thing to do is roll with a huge pack of dogs, a bunch of dogs on a leash. Dress 'em all up in those cute dog costumes. Girls are going to want you. Moms particularly will want to juice your pickle.
Adam DeVine: Moms all up in your business.
Anders Holm: Pretty sure you’re gonna want to go by yourself as an adult. But what you do is you get a trench coat and you get doll arms and you close the trench coat but you have the doll hands popping out by your stomach, and you put sunglasses and a hat on, so you look like a kid standing on another kid’s shoulders. They think it’s cute but really you’re a grown man begging for candy.
Blake Anderson: That’s a good way to go through with it. Anders, you’re really smart.
I always liked the cool dads that would dress up as a scarecrow in their front yard and leap out and scare the sh*t out of [kids] and they would cry. I always thought that was pretty acceptable. —Adam DeVine
You would also have to make sure that you’re clean-shaven and boyish looking.
Adam DeVine: Yeah, well, you’ve seen the show; we’re very young looking. We’re actually all 45 but we’re very young looking.
You hide it very well.
Adam DeVine: Thank you.
Anders would dress like two boys pretending to be a grown man. Blake and Adam, what are your picks for adult-appropriate costumes?
Blake Anderson: Preferably, something where you’re wearing your shirt. That would probably be a good call. Wear a shirt.
Adam DeVine: Well, I’m a little bit shorter, so if I was wearing a full beard or a scary mask, I could roll with a pack of kids and just kind of look like the more fully developed kid in the crew. The one that football coaches are trying to recruit in the eighth grade.
Anders Holm: You’d be the Angus.
Or like Robin Williams in Jack.
Adam DeVine: Exactly that.