Kids suck. Most of them don't have to work in sweatshops anymore, and they expect to be provided for so they can run off and enjoy childhood. So why is it exactly that these little hellions are rewarded with a day when they get to dress up in costumes and have people shower them with candy? Fuck that. In 2011, it's time for adults to make Halloween trick-or-treating our own.
Of course, a lot of people think it's wrong for grown men to wear costumes and beg for sweets, but those people are stupid, so Complex got with three dudes who know that you should never grow up, the stars of Comedy Central's slacker comedy series Workaholics, to figure out how to make it happen. Check out the video above, in which Adam DeVine, Blake Anderson, and Anders Holm share The Workaholics' Guide To Adult Trick-Or-Treating.
And for even more advice on how to get down on Halloween, check out the extended Q&A from the October/November issue below.
Interview by Ross Scarano (@RossScarano)
Complex: First off, how should you deal with nay-sayers, people who say that there’s something wrong with adults trick-or-treating?
Adam DeVine: The great part about Halloween is you get to wear a costume. So, if you’re out and about in your costume and someone nay-says, you can always just get real violent with them because they won’t know who you are. Violence is just kind of the way to go on Halloween.
Blake Anderson: It is the devil’s night!
Anders Holm: I think that you should just hear them out because maybe they have something worthwhile to say. Maybe you are too old.
Adam, do you have any particular form of violence that you would use?
Adam DeVine: I’d just thumb through my bag of goodies and try to peel the razor blade out of a Tootsie Roll that was stuffed in there. Getting the candy home and taking all the razor blades out, that was a real issue as a kid. So I’d really just take one from there and do a slice-and-dice.
That makes total sense.
Adam DeVine: Oh, and by the way, I’m a serial killer.
As a costume or just in general?
Adam DeVine: Pure real life. That’s a cool rumor to start about yourself.
At some point though you might have to back it up, though.
Adam DeVine: Yeah. We’ll see. I’m looking to get a guest-starring role on Dexter. Season 9 of Dexter, I’m going to be the John Lithgow character.
Blake Anderson: Spoiler alert!
Adam DeVine: Spoiler alert!
What are the pros and cons of trick-or-treating solo, with other adults, or with a kid? Are you rolling alone? Are you taking a child for respectability?
Adam DeVine: If you go solo people are going to think that you’re out to not just eat candy but—
Blake Anderson: —but to eat little boys’ buttholes.
Adam DeVine: I wasn’t going that way necessarily, but now that he said it, I totally agree with him. So you kind of have to roll with the pack, make it fun, smell like booze, and hopefully you’re gonna meet a cool guy who’s going to back the truck up on you and drop some full Kit-Kat bars on your face.
Blake Anderson: I don’t think you should roll with kids or adults. The cool thing to do is roll with a huge pack of dogs, a bunch of dogs on a leash. Dress 'em all up in those cute dog costumes. Girls are going to want you. Moms particularly will want to juice your pickle.
Adam DeVine: Moms all up in your business.
Anders Holm: Pretty sure you’re gonna want to go by yourself as an adult. But what you do is you get a trench coat and you get doll arms and you close the trench coat but you have the doll hands popping out by your stomach, and you put sunglasses and a hat on, so you look like a kid standing on another kid’s shoulders. They think it’s cute but really you’re a grown man begging for candy.
Blake Anderson: That’s a good way to go through with it. Anders, you’re really smart.
I always liked the cool dads that would dress up as a scarecrow in their front yard and leap out and scare the sh*t out of [kids] and they would cry. I always thought that was pretty acceptable. —Adam DeVine
You would also have to make sure that you’re clean-shaven and boyish looking.
Adam DeVine: Yeah, well, you’ve seen the show; we’re very young looking. We’re actually all 45 but we’re very young looking.
You hide it very well.
Adam DeVine: Thank you.
Anders would dress like two boys pretending to be a grown man. Blake and Adam, what are your picks for adult-appropriate costumes?
Blake Anderson: Preferably, something where you’re wearing your shirt. That would probably be a good call. Wear a shirt.
Adam DeVine: Well, I’m a little bit shorter, so if I was wearing a full beard or a scary mask, I could roll with a pack of kids and just kind of look like the more fully developed kid in the crew. The one that football coaches are trying to recruit in the eighth grade.
Anders Holm: You’d be the Angus.
Or like Robin Williams in Jack.
Adam DeVine: Exactly that.
How would you guys go about incorporating Halloween’s pagan roots into your trick-or-treating fun?
Blake Anderson: Now see, I have a very strong stance on looting kids for candy. I feel like that’s one of the most fucked up things a human can do. And if you’re looting candy from kids you should burn in hell.
Adam DeVine: Yeah, that wasn’t the question.
Blake Anderson: Oh.
Anders Holm: What people don’t realize is that the most pagan thing to do is to Oreo somebody’s car. They’ve branded the name “Oreo” but people were doing that long before the Nabisco company existed.
Adam DeVine: I don’t really know what the term pagan means, but all I think of is, like, witches. For some reason I just think of Selma Blair. Why do I think of Selma Blair when I think of pagan rituals?
If you’re dressed like Jadakiss, you’re getting your teeth knocked in! —Anders Holm
Blake Anderson: Blair Witch Project.
Adam DeVine: Maybe I’m thinking of Neve Campbell but I’m saying Selma Blair.
Anders Holm: Interchangeable.
Adam DeVine: Yeah, same person.
Blake Anderson: Remember when you got those Good News things in your trick-or-treat bag and it was just like a little religious book, and it would say “Good News!” and then it was full of activities.
Adam DeVine: Activia?
Blake Anderson: That used to make me mad when I was a kid; I wanted candy. Nobody remembers that? Maybe that’s just my religious hometown.
Adam DeVine: I say fuck the pagan rituals. It’s all about the candy. I mean, what does pagan rituals mean? That’s like Satan, right? Like you’re killing, misleading, drinking blood, things like that?
Anders Holm: Pagan means no god or multiple gods?
Adam DeVine: Snow Dogs?
Blake Anderson: Wear a goat head.
Adam DeVine: If we ever do another interview with Complex, can you please dumb the questions down so that we can fully understand them?
Blake Anderson: Nothing over five letters.
Halloween is over five letters.
Blake Anderson: What is that? Spanish?
Adam DeVine: And we’ll have to Skype next time. 'Cause I dressed up for this shit.
Anders Holm: I’m wearing a fucking Ariel costume.
Adam DeVine: I’m a Treasure Troll with a flesh colored jumpsuit and a jewel in my belly.
Blake Anderson: I’m Shaq from Kazaam.
What are acceptable pranks for adult trick-or-treaters to pull?
Adam DeVine: I always liked the cool dads that would like dress up as a scarecrow in their front yard and then, when six-year-old little girls would go up to the door, they would just leap out and scare the shit out of them and they would cry. I always thought that was pretty acceptable.
Adam DeVine: Totally acceptable. This is the one time in your life that it’s totally cool to make children cry by scaring the shit out of them. It’s the one day out of the year where you can get away with being a total asshole to children.
So that could be a measure of how successful the night was? How many children cried?
Adam DeVine: That’s when you know it was a good Halloween, when 15 or more children left your front yard in tears.
Anders Holm: Yeah, you collect the tears and that’s when you get back to that pagan ritual. Boiling tears?
Now you got it. That’s pagan.
Adam DeVine: Yeah, and it comes full circle: Dane Cook.
Anders Holm: Wassup, Dane!
What is the best candy bag to carry as an adult?
Blake Anderson: Remember those plastic orange pumpkin things?
Adam DeVine: Yeah, they didn’t house enough candy, though.
Blake Anderson: Yeah, that’s what not to use—those are for losers!
Anders Holm: I would use, like, a military rucksack and also just dress in a military jacket, like I just got back from the war. And I would just probably not trick-or-treat. I would just walk around having, like, crazy flashbacks in front of children.
Adam DeVine: Since I’m an adult, I would use my car.
Anders Holm: The trunk.
Adam DeVine: It’d be like when you’re delivering newspapers as a little kid and you like sit in the trunk, or you like sit in the back of your mother’s minivan with the hatch open and you just bail out the back. That’s what you do.
Anders Holm: It gives a whole new meaning to "candy-paint driving."
Blake Anderson: For hip-hop fans, that’s like a new paint job, I think.
Adam DeVine: Or trunk-waving.
Would you dress appropriately for that? Would you dress up as Paul Wall? Would you grill yourself out and everything?
Adam DeVine: Fuck yeah.
Anders Holm: I would get as close to Paul Wall-looking as possible. And then I would just pull my small dick out of my jeans and everybody would be like, "That’s not Paul Wall. He’s got a little dick. Look how little Paul Wall’s dick is."
Adam DeVine: I’ve got a huge dick.
How do you spot the difference between a good house and a bad house that’s gonna stiff you?
Anders Holm: I think you’ve got to go straight to the trash cans, and you just look at what kind of food the family’s been eating. If it’s like a lot of fat people food, like just a shit load of Tombstone wrappers or DiGornio’s in there, you know they’re going to buy really good candy.
Adam DeVine: I would say the more pillars that they have in their front yard, the bigger treat you’re gonna get. Because I remember when I was a kid we would ride our bikes to the rich neighborhood and just go attack mode on that neighborhood because they would give out full candy bars. I was a really fat kid, by the way.
Blake Anderson: I don’t know. I’d just say stay away from the dark ones. The houses...goddammit.
What are the rules for trading candy?
Anders Holm: You never want to be the guy that trades down, so you have to lie. Like, if you don’t like Almond Joys, which some people don’t—I personally love them—you’ve got to pretend like you don’t like them. So you’re like, "I guess I’ll take your Almond Joy, you can take my O’Henry bar." Then you just fuckin’ got 'em.
Adam DeVine: Got 'em! Boss move.
You must remember that Halloween has the best house parties of any day of the year, so get out there and get your face in some titties. —Blake Anderson
Blake Anderson: Just one word of advice: Bottle Caps are basically like the platinum of Halloween. Hold on to your Bottle Caps. That’s the most delicious candy you’re going to find on the market.
Adam DeVine: Blake’s dumb. That’s dumb advice.
Anders Holm: I agree. He doesn’t even know what he’s talking about. Sweet Tarts?
Blake Anderson: Adam and Anders are very dumb.
Adam DeVine: That’s not true. I agree with both of them...says the guy that doesn’t have anything clever to say.
Anders Holm: I’ve got a question. What is the pinnacle candy to get?
Blake Anderson: Bottle Caps.
Adam DeVine: No, no, no, no, no, no. It’s mini-candy bars and you go with a Kit-Kat or a Butterfinger or a Crunch bar.
Blake Anderson: It’s classic. It’s Nestle. You gotta go Nestle or you gotta go home.
Anders Holm: Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. Those are good.
Adam DeVine: Those are classic. You keep 'em cool, You keep 'em under your bed hidden from your little sister or your dog.
Anders Holm: And you can take the black wrapper off and wrap it around your teeth and it looks like you have no teeth. So that’s for next year’s Halloween costume, as a hobo.
Blake Anderson: Wax vampire teeth.
That’s a high priority item? You want to get wax vampire teeth?
Blake Anderson: Yeah, I love them.
Adam DeVine: My mom knew this woman who lived in the neighborhood. We saw her like all the time just taking groceries in the house or whatever, and she would always make Rice Krispies Treats. But my mother wouldn’t let me eat them because she made them, like she was poisoning the neighbor kid who she sees every day. It was really stupid. My mom should’ve just let me eat a Rice Krispies Treat. It’s not like [the woman ever] got arrested for poisoning kids.
But your mom would’ve been vindicated if all the kids in the neighborhood were dead the next day, except for you.
Adam DeVine: Yeah.
Anders Holm: That’s what moms are about. She’s all about proving people wrong.
Adam DeVine: Yep, Penny DeVine: 1. Every other mom in the neighborhood: 0.
That’s also the amount of kids that those poor, childless neighbors have now, zero.
Adam DeVine: Yeah, zero kids.
So, we know Blake doesn't approve, but if you are going to be that jackass and shake kids down for their candy, how do you go about doing that?
Blake Anderson: Don’t do it.
Adam DeVine: I got robbed when I was a kid, and they just jumped us. They just came up and were like, "Give us all your candy," and we were like, "No." There were four of them and they were like eighth graders and we were in fifth grade. And then they just pushed us and took our shit, and we felt like chumps. So I feel like that was a good way to go about doing it if you’re going to be that kid.
Anders Holm: I’d take a machete.... You’d just roll with a machete and get real psuedo-Indian style on them. You just have to chop off the entire arm that’s holding the pillow case and you’re good.
Blake Anderson: There’s enough candy for everybody on Halloween. Why are we stealing from each other?
Adam DeVine: Blake’s crying right now, by the way.
Blake Anderson: Bullshit.
Anders Holm: Can we get some paper towels?
I mean, I guess the idea is that shaking the kids down would be its own treat. For some people.
Blake Anderson: Yeah, for jerks.
Anders Holm: No, I think you’re talking to a group of really nice fucking dudes right now. We are so fucking nice and we wouldn’t do anything like that. Unless they had some Almond Joys. If they were on segways I’d beat the shit out of them.
Blake Anderson: Yeah, don’t segway-and-treat, that’s bully.
Adam DeVine: Yeah, I guess it really depends on their costume. If they have a dickhead costume, they’re getting jacked.
Anders Holm: Jack moves, homeboy!
Adam DeVine: Like if they’re in a KKK costume...jack moves.
Blake Anderson: Jack 'em.
Adam DeVine: But if you’re just Satan or whatever, come here, buddy. Let’s trade. I’ve got an Almond Joy, you’ve got an O’Henry. Let’s make a deal.
What are some of the other costumes that you might fuck somebody up for wearing?
Blake Anderson: Jadakiss. [Laughs.]
Anders Holm: If you’re dressed like Jadakiss, you’re getting your teeth knocked in!
Adam DeVine: We hate Jadakiss. Fuck Jadakiss.
Blake Anderson: Adam’s a dead man. Shots fired at Jadakiss! It was never supposed to be like this.
Anders Holm: Dressing as a Nazi is pretty bad.
Blake Anderson: Or dressing as one of the Workaholics.
Anders Holm: I truly wanna know how many Blakes there are going to be out there this year.
Blake Anderson: I’m going to beat up every Blake I see. We’re going to beat them up with kisses.
Any last words of wisdom for adult trick-or-treaters?
Anders Holm: I would just like to remind them that sex and alcohol exist. So go for candy and all that, but again, like, really fucking drink, though.
Adam DeVine: When you’re out there, make sure you’re drunk and have as much weird sex as possible in people's front yards.
Blake Anderson: You must remember that Halloween has the best house parties of any day of the year, so get out there and get your face in some titties.
Anders Holm: It’s the perfect day to put your face in titties.
Blake Anderson: Oh, they’re out!
Anders Holm: The freak flags are flying.
Interview by Ross Scarano (@RossScarano)