Pauly D Does Not Want To "Do Sex" With Deena.
Last week's episode ended with the cliffhanger of all cliffhangers, with Snooki on the phone with Jionni after having just told him that she had sex with Vinny, when, an hour earlier, she had assured him that nothing happened.
This week, we open in the same place, but when Jionni speaks, it's only to tell Snooki that he doesn't know what he wants to do. Womp, womp. The two barely even fight with another, and by the time they've hung up the phone, Snooki is completely OK with the outcome.
As if sensing some lull in the drama, Deena instantly pulls the spotlight away from Snooks, with the announcement that she wants to "do" sex with Pauly. We'd hoped that their little "fling" would have been long over by now - if you remember (or even if you don't) the two practically ate each other's mouths off in a club earlier this season. But it seems like Deena isn't ready to let it go, unlike Pauly. Deena's seduction tactic: proclaiming to him, flat out, that she wants to "do" sex with him. His reaction is less than lukewarm, but Deena is persistent, or she just doesn't care. Maybe she's as adament as we are that he get more screen-time.
When the group goes out that night, Pauly is dead-set on finding a girl to bring home so he can ensure Deena won't try anything with him, and he even enlists Vinny's help to do so. Somehow, despite the presence of the cameras, Pauly returns home alone. Deena tries to make her move, but Pauly basically tells her that "no" means no and the two have a minor fight that ends amicably. (a.k.a. boring), but at least Pauly had something to do (not literally, though) for a change.
Pauly proceeds to celebrate his victory of getting more screen-time by using Mike's toothbrush to clean the hair off of the electrical razors in the bathroom, and tops it off by watching Mike unknowingly use said toothrush. Wonderful roomies!
Snooki And Deena Aren't Hookers, They're Just From Jersey
OK, we know that we've said Snooki is at her best when she's a hot mess, but maybe there's a limit before it just becomes sad. Because, frankly, Snooki's alcohol abuse wasn't even the least bit amusing this week.
It starts as follows: Deena, totally not phased by Pauly's rejection, goes out to a breakfast with Snooki that turns into the two dancing on an empty bar, drunk, at 11 AM. Deena teaches some poor, terrified local girl how to do the "Jersey turnpike" with the girl's parents looking on, mortified, while Snooki falls down a lot in the corner. It's like season one with subtitles!
It should be pointed out that this is how the girls have chosen to spend their last Saturday morning in Italy.
They promise early on to keep drinking the day away, and make good on it; by the evening, they're still hammered, and ready to go out with everyone else to another nameless club for another night of boozing. Snooki and Deena are completely shitfaced, so they hardly have a clue what's going on around them, and the other roommates aren't really amused. Jenni and Sammi tell Team Drunkball that they're going to get a drink, and proceed to hang out at the bar, together, away from Snooks and Deena. This is what we mean: When you've managed to not only mortify, but to drive away your co-stars on a show like Jersey Shore, you've got a problem.
Clearly, Snooks and Deena don't see it that way because, even after everybody else goes home, they continue on to another club to continue drinking and dancing. They end up in a fight with the bartender and some rowdy locals there, getting ice thrown at them at one point by the bartender himself. When Snooks retaliates by shoving some of the bottles of liquor behind the bar to the ground, she gets them kicked out of the club (which, considering how drunk the two are, isn't such a bad thing).
They return home, livid and not afraid to show it, and yell about their issues for a while until everybody who could possibly listen abandons them and they are left to themselves. This results in the two deciding to make good use of the indoor jacuzzi that we were so excited about in the first episode but then forgot about ten minutes later because no one ever used it. Understandably, as they unveil the jacuzzi, we're pretty stoked (what is Jersey Shore without it's drunken, sleazy, jacuzzi scenes?), but watching the two float around bleary-eyed and barely cognizant just makes us feel like we should immediately stop watching and be giving them the number to AA. Is it wrong to view someone completely self-destructing on television for entertainment value? Damn it, we don't watch Jersey Shore to think philosophically!
The duo stays up all night, and after realizing it's morning because the sun is up, decide to get dressed in the tightest, shortest, unclassiest animal-print dresses they can find and go out to breakfast (still drunk!) because they clearly haven't embarassed themselves enough in the past day.
They fall asleep at the table in the middle of the outdoor patio of the restaurant.
The Situation Stands Alone
Mike's had a pretty bad season, to say the least. His hair's somehow turned into a mess of a mop just sitting on the top of his head, Abercrombie & Fitch totally dissed him for their personal gain, Snooki didn't let him get it in, and, oh yeah, everybody hates him.
To be fair, it's not like he hasn't brought this upon himself. Spreading rumors about Snooki, provoking Ron and Sam fights, running himself into a wall, all of these events didn't really work in his favor when gaining approval ratings. It's pretty clear that Sitch has made the colossal, rookie mistake of believing that any press is good press, failing to realize that maybe that only works if someone is somewhat respected because they have a reputation to fall back on. Sitch, on the other hand, has his abs, which everyone is sick of seeing anyway.
This week, he doesn't start out much better. He bluntly tells Deena to clean, in the most asshole-ish way possible, and ends up having a spatula thrown at him. He threatens to get personal with his insults, and Deena just insults his face in return, effectively winning that fight. Mike just laughs and stalks off, but you can tell he's doing so because, really, what better rebuttal to a threat is there than, "Oh, yeah? Your face!" None. There is none.
The gang have their last Sunday night dinner in Italy, one that a recently bonded Sammi and Jenni have cooked for everyone. It's weird that we like Sammi now that she's matured and is having a somewhat healthy relationship with Ronnie. Maybe people can change, which gives us some hope for Sitch because dude needs to seriously do something about himself.
It doesn't take long for everyone else agrees.
It starts when Sammi announces that when they get back to Jersey (they will be back in the shore house immediately after Italy), she doesn't want to room with Mike and instead wants the room that Vinny previously had in the last season. Vinny basically laughs in her face. They proceed to argue over it, with Sitch sitting right there.
He pretends not to care, but he clearly does. It isn't long until he announces (mainly to Snooki, because it doesn't seem like anyone else is really listening) that it doesn't really matter who rooms with him, because he might not even go back to Jersey house. Though it's obvious he's bluffing because what fame-whore turns down any shot at prolonged exposure, and it's also clear that he was mostly looking for someone to jump up and exclaim, "No! You can't leave! What would we do without you?!" The response he receives instead is something along the lines of, "You want to leave? Bye."
The rest of the episode focuses on Sitch and his loneliness, following him as he gets in a fight with a group of guys inside a club for looking at him the wrong way, proceeding to get kicked out while his roommates stay and drink the night away. Mike returns home, alone, lamenting that he's always the bad guy because someone has to be the bad guy, and, in a weird way, we can't help but feel a little sorry for him. Just a little.
Since when did this show start making us "feel" anything other than shameful joy?
Best Quotes Of The Episode
"What would you do if I did that to you?" "I would kill someone!" - Jionni and Snooki, after she told him about sleeping with Vinny
"We actually proved that we have, like, manners and, like, respect for people!" - Deena, about ten minutes after Snooki has thrown bottles at the bartender
"I feel like it's early...because the sun's up." - Snooki
"We're not hookers, we're just Jersey." - Snooki, to a waitress
"I can lose weight for free, you need about ten grand to fix your fucking face!" - Deena, to Sitch
"I'm thinking, lets come up with some comprimization..." - Sammi
"We should just fucking put Mike somewhere...like in a garbage can." - Snooki
"Mine and Vinny's relationship is beautiful." - Pauly D