And here it is: the final episode of Jersey Shore's season four. It's bittersweet for the cast members and us alike, but, like our fair guidos and guidettes, we really can't wait for everyone to head back to Seaside Heights, New Jersey, for Season Five. Sending the group to the motherland was a great idea in theory, but it didn't quite prove to be as enjoyable as we'd hoped, and we didn't even get to see what this was all about. You'd think that's footage MTV would consider golden, but to each their own.
We still have faith in the show, though. A return to Jersey is just the revitalization the series and housemates need, and we, for one, can't wait. But here's how the gang's latest saga ended.
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)
Should He Stay Or Should He Go?
Most of Mike's drama this season has been of his own doing; everything that happened with Snooki, Ronnie, Sammi, and the people of Italy was all created by him. This whole being-unsure-about-returning-to-Jersey deal he's got going on now is no different. He wants people to tell him not to go, but after the way he's behaved for the past, say, three years, no one's really begging him to stay.
Of course, it's obvious he would never leave because where would his paycheck come from otherwise, but for the sake of the show and this recap, let's pretend his departure from the series could be a possibility.
Not wanting the face the wrath of his annoyed girlfriend, Sammi, Ronnie takes it upon himself to tell Sitch that he'll need to change if he does in fact decide to return with everyone else to Seaside. Sitch, who was just kicked out of a club for picking a fight with someone, doesn't really listen. Big surprise.
Does Anyone Believe That They Actually Worked At The Pizzeria?
The next day, Sammi, Pauly, and Vinny go to their last day of employment at their fake pizzeria jobs. Normal fake-job stuff happens, only this time when everyone says goodbye, they hug. Yawn. Can they just drop this summer work thing next season? The Shore Store is slightly more entertaining, sure, but it's still fooling no one. Snooki doesn't need minimum wage when a company is paying her to endorse pistachios.
But, we can't escape the pizzeria that fast. The gang has to go back one last time to give one piece of their clothing that represents them to their boss, Marco, for his shrine clothesline in the restaurant. Apparently, it's some weird tradition that's supposed to signify good memories; it makes no sense, but the cast seems to buy into it, so they each take something for him (Deena takes a thong, unsurprisingly).
After hanging the clothes up, they all bid goodbye to Marco and leave for the last time. Free at last!
Why Choose Between Art Or History When You Can Have Both
Shockingly (read: not at all for anyone who's watched the show ever before), the cast never took the time to sight-see during their stay in Italy. There were more important things to do, like drunkenly fall on cobblestone streets and crash into cop cars and get yelled at by priests. Luckily, the gang still has a solid day left in Florence, so over dinner they decide to utilize it by checking out museums and historical landmarks around the city. Vinny books a tour for the next morning, including both art and history because no one really cared what they saw (or knew the difference when he asked, either way).
The next day, bright and and early, everyone forces themselves out of bed to go meet the tour guide. It's safe to say spirits aren't very high—only Sammi and Vinny seem to really be interested in actually seeing the sights. But the group drags themselves from museum to museum and landmark to landmark in what makes for a pretty boring tour montage that mostly consists of Deena commenting on the Statue of David's ass and Mike pouting for attention while standing off to the side. Not sure if we're supposed to feel sorry for him or grow so annoyed with him that if he doesn't return next season we'll be relieved.
When the tour ends, the group decides to get dinner at a restaurant overlooking the city. Sitch takes it upon himself to apologize for his actions over the past few weeks to the rest of the housemates, who are as skeptical as we are about his intentions. For someone who was just debating whether or not to peace out, it seems futile that he'd make the effort to apologize so he could be cool with everyone when, if he left, it wouldn't matter either way. Keep your story straight, Sitch!
After dinner, everyone decides to go out one last time since it's their final night in Italy. They get dressed up and head to a club, which happens to be mosly empty save for a few absolutely wasted patrons hanging out in the corner. Sitch ends up yelling at some guy who doesn't really look older than sixteen, much to the non-surprise of his roommates, who, like everyone watching, knew he never really intended to change anyway.
The whole crew returns home, and Deena and Snooki decide it'd be a great idea to move every plant in the house onto the kitchen table to create something akin to an amazon forest garden. Normal night.
The next morning, Snooki takes it upon herself to wake everyone up by hopping on their bed and excitedly announcing all the things they can do when they're back in Jersey. She's a little excited to be leaving, if it's not obvious.
Sitch offers to make breakfast, something that confuses the roommates (probably worried he'd slip something in it to cause more "drama!!!"), but they let him cook nonetheless. The scene cuts to Sitch talking to the camera and resolving to be the villain if he has to be because he knows he does it so well. Unfortunately, we've already stopped caring about him, so this isn't that exciting—it just makes him sound delusional and scripted.
Over breakfast, Sitch finally tells us what we already knew: He's definitely sticking around and heading to Jersey with everyone else. Their reactions are basically the same as when he told them he wasn't sure if he was going to return, and the camera cuts to Mike admitting that he's always got something up his sleeve. But Sitch, we don't care!
After breakfast, the Jersey-bound housemates clean up and begin the tedious task of moving all of their luggage down the stairs and onto the street. For them, this involves laying out a bunch of mattresses over the stairs and sliding each suitcase down over them. Efficient moving techniques: Courtesy of Jersey Shore. We learn something new every season.
Best Quotes Of The Episode
"It took five minutes for them to get their smush on. No wonder Sam never smiles." - Pauly, on Sam and Ron's love life
"Meatball power is in full effect tonight." - Vinny
"I didn't even know Deena wore underwear, to be honest with you." - Ronnie
"When you're trying to eat pizza, there's nothing more appetizing that Deena's dirty underwear hanging right over you." - Vinny
"Seeing Nicole cleaning is like seeing Mike with a condom—it just doesn't happen." - Vinny
"If I could change the Statue of David, he would look like a guido." - Snooki, of course
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)