Did any of the comedians surprise you with what they were into?
It’s amazing how everyone has their favorites fetishes; we did a whole fetish show with Chelsea Handler and we went through all the whipped cream and the bondage and all that stuff. And then we brought out the Sklar brothers, who are twins, which I think is a fetish. It’s a fetish or a miracle, because most of us are never gonna bang twins. You have to be Charlie Sheen or somebody to do that. The rest of us, we can only dream.

 

Nothing disturbs me. I’m from the filthy, dirty generation. There was no chance for changing and you just got wasted and waited for the next Peter Gabriel album to come out.

 

How has your porn consumption changed over the years?
Well, you wanna know what happens? You watch enough porn and you go right back to magazines. I had to reset my dick. I had to go back to magazines, which is really…talk about old-timey. My rod is used to wi-fi, high speed, not waiting for me to turn a page.

My favorite porn stuff, beside the retro, I love Euro porn, especially from that era, because it’s sexy, it’s fun, it’s a foreign language, and they’re overacting. There’s so much acting being launched all over your face. [Laughs.]

In talking about these movies, did you avoid discussing the darker aspects of the porn industry?
We talked a little bit about it with AIDS. A lot of [the actors] got out of it before the whole AIDS thing, but it wasn’t that kind of a show. Like I said, it’s not really about the history of porn. It was more just about the celebration of it, actually more of a tribute to the people that made these porns.

The weird thing is that, while we were making the show, two legends who we tried to get to do the show died. John Leslie was a huge director and performer in porn for years and years. He passed away, and so did Jamie Gillis, who is kind of like the father of gonzo porn, that Boogie Nights kind of porn. Every movie we’d do, there would be a person or two that the porn stars were like, “Oh, they’re no longer with us. He just passed.” So it was kinda sad, but we tried to pay tribute to them as much as we could, because the show is a celebration or a tribute, not a “porn is bad” [statement]. Porn is great.

What was your favorite cheesy, convoluted old porn plot?
It’s cool when they do genres. I have so much porn that I have pornographic westerns, I have pornographic science fiction movies, like Ultra Flesh (1980). Another great sci-fi thriller horror porn would be The Ultimate Lover (1990), with Nina Hartley, Eric Edwards, and Tracy Adams. It’s kind of like a sexy Frankenstein’s monster thing, and they create the ultimate fuck machine.

A lot of these movies have been redone and redone and redone, but that was cool how they were always trying to do these different genre things in the movies. Prisoner Of Paradise (1980), one of Seka’s movies, is about, like, super hot German Nazis on a tropical island, and John Holmes [playing a shipwrecked World War II sailor] comes in and saves everybody. It was like tons of explosions in it, and you don’t really see that [production value] in porn now, I mean, like, car chases and stuff like that. It’s pretty high-end.

You used to see these movies in theaters; porn used to be a group sport, now everybody’s playing alone online. I remember going to porn theaters, especially in the Tenderloin District of San Francisco, and sitting there, and there was every porn stereotype: the sticky seats, the guy in the raincoat....

But the good stuff would be in a real movie theater. Devil In Miss Jones (1973) was a groundbreaking movie, and it came out the same year as The Exorcist. It was shown in a movie theater, like, on Broadway, with The Exorcist and a bunch of other movies. It was like the midnight movie. That’s pretty wild. It was before Cats and Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark; you look at Times Square now and you’re like, “What?!”

Was watching porn in a theater just slightly disturbing?
Nothing disturbs me. I’m from the filthy, dirty generation. There was no chance for changing and you just got wasted and waited for the next Peter Gabriel album to come out. No, just from being on the road, it made me feel good. I love the dirty, filthy stuff. If you know my act, I’m not really a family act. The [male comedians] who watch it with me [on Dave's Old Porn], especially Norton and Greg Fitzsimmons, they are such funny, wickedly sick guys that they dug it right away. Bill Burr and Adam Corrolla are really, really funny guys, but I think they still have a soul. [Laughs.]

So did you ever get into a Paul Reubens situation in the porn theaters?
Did I jerk off? No. We used to have this thing, the buddy booth, where you go in and you jerk.

So never in the theater seating?
Mmm, I don’t think I could do that while I was ushering. [Laughs.] No, I don’t think I ever did that. I’ve rubbed many out to the porn I’m talking about. At first you see retro and you’re like, “Oh, that’s sick! That’s so fuckin’ hairy and weird! Ugh!” And then after a while you’re like, “Oh my god, it’s great!” You get into it. It’s like Rosetta Stone, where you learn the language.

Did any of these porns inspire you to make a personal porn with a convoluted plot?
No. I think if I was gonna go into porn, it would be with animals. It wouldn’t be so much that I would be fucking animals, but I’d be watching them. I’d deliver a pizza with, like, a turtle being fucked by a dog. “Who ordered the…? Oh my god!” You know, that kind of stuff. But I really do enjoy not only human sex but also animal sex. I think that’s very cool to watch too.

What was your first interaction with a porn star?
Ron, I know for years, just from doing comedy. He’s always come to the comedy clubs. He’s a fun, cool guy. But I never got to meet the other ones until I hosted the AVN awards in 2010. I met a whole bunch there.

It was really cool to hang with the porn stars, and it was really cool to see them win their awards. I have to say that, I’m not a great host, but that show is really great because it is so twisted and way more fun than the Oscars or the Tonys or whatever could ever be. So I like that it’s a wild event, and they just let it get as wild as possible, 'cause that’s their big day. My first interaction? I would say that was it. I’m not a musician. I don’t meet ‘em every day. [Laughs.]

But Ron is a very good dude, and he is the porn star of the millennium. He’s super cool and he’s done both straight, "legitimate movies," as they call them, and adult films, and he also has a Master’s degree in education—and he’s an Eagle Scout, I believe. [Laughs.] He’s just amazing. People shouldn’t take them all as just what they see. Here I am preaching about porn, but all I want to do is have a big porn party. Everyone’s invited!

Ron, a.k.a. the “Hedgehog,” is great because average guys can relate to him.
It doesn’t feel like he’s better than you. He is the everyman of porn. He’s the Mike O’Malley of porn.

There should be a monument to him somewhere.
Exactly, a sticky monument.

What have you learned technically, skill-wise from watching these old porns?
Well, what I’ve noticed from their technique is that it’s not so much about power, it’s about position, and I personally, since I’m old, like the girl on top, 'cause then all you have to do is not die. That’s in my act, but it’s true. You just lay there. But these guys, they always seem like they pick the right, amazing angle so they can do it. Today, it’s like all upside-down crazy. I think it’s like pool, it’s positioning—positioning the ball into the pocket.

The porn stars of yesteryear are a little like the athletes back then: They were normal. Now they’re all freaks of nature holding these crazy positions. It looks like they’re doing hard work.
The best thing, like you said, is that Ron and most of them just look like every dude. Now they’re all cut and they look like ultimate fighters; it looks like a cage match. The girls are all tatted up and hardcore and the dudes are all ripped—and I like that too, but back then, you see a guy with a gut, and you’re like, yeah. Bill Burr was like, “Look at this guy. He looks just like any guy.” So it’s perfect.

Interview by Justin Monroe (@40yardsplash)

For more info on Dave's Old Porn, visit davesoldporn.com, sho.comthe show's Facebook page, or follow @oldp0rn on Twitter.

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