Who Is The Bigger Douchebag: Charlie Sheen Or Ashton Kutcher?

Image via Complex Original

Ever since it was announced that Ashton Kutcher would be replacing Charlie Sheen on the hit CBS sitcom Two And A Half Men, people have been arguing over who is the bigger douchebag. OK, mostly people in our offices. Though, to be fair, it's a pretty close call. The question is similar to, "Which is wetter, the Atlantic Ocean or the Pacific Ocean?"

Thanks to his breakthrough on That ‘70s Show, Kutcher was at one time hailed as one of Hollywood's next big leading men. But then people saw his movies, and the results were horrifying. After that, Kutcher has become more like Kim Kardashian: famous, but people don’t really know why. Thirteen-year-old boys make more money at their bar mitzvahs than Kutcher’s movies make at the box office, and it's apparent that no one enjoys his work. But is he the douchiest?

And how about Mr. "Tiger Blood" Sheen? The son of legendary actor Martin Sheen, Charlie’s life has been filled with ugly divorces, hookers, drug-induced meltdowns, and the occasional successful movie. Since the ‘80s, Sheen has been one of the industry's most polarizing stars. His recent public outbursts cost him his posh gig on Two And A Half Men, and, unsurprisingly, the attention he's received as a result has made him more popular than ever. But remember, popularity does not negate douchiness.

Tough call, isn't it? But, alas, we need a winner. So, in celebration of tonight's debut of Kutcher's stint on the former Sheen vehicle, Two And A Half Men, as well as the well-timed premiere of The Comedy Central Roast Of Charlie Sheen, we’re here to find out Who Is The Bigger Douchebag: Charlie Sheen Or Ashton Kutcher?

WORST PROJECTS

Putting it plainly: Whenever you walk up to a movie theater and see the names Ashton Kutcher or Charlie Sheen on the marquee, there's a pretty sizable chance that you are about to witness cinematic diarrhea. Despite their enormous popularity, both men flop more often than an international soccer team.

See, even though Sheen became a household name in '80s classics like Wall Street and Platoon, he has also bombed his way into theaters with duds like Scary Movie 3 and the truly dreadful Three Musketeers. In fact, after his partnership with the Oliver Stone fizzled in the late ‘80s, Sheen was relegated to cheap sequels and hokey comedies. Remember Hot Shots! Part Deux? If you don’t, then you are one of the lucky ones.

It wasn’t until he replaced Michael J. Fox in Spin City, and then later took on the lead in Two And A Half Men, that Sheen regained some respectability in Hollywood.

Respectability isn’t a word often associated with Ashton Kutcher’s career, though. His filmography reads more like a list of bargain bin DVDs at the local Best Buy, rather than the resume of an accomplished Hollywood actor. We'll admit That ‘70s Show was funny in the beginning, but does that really make up for Dude, Where’s My Car?, The Butterfly Effect, or Guess Who? Never. If there's a Blockbuster Video in hell, we can only assume that it will be filled to the brim with Kutcher's flicks.

The edge goes to: Ashton Kutcher

RELATIONSHIPS

Both men have had a pretty active love life during their time at the top, but Sheen definitely has Kutcher beat in terms of dysfunction. Not only does he have five children with three different women, but he was also revealed to be in Heidi Fleiss’ little black book back back in the ‘90s.

Tumultuous relationships aside, all of Sheen's past hook-ups have been absolutely gorgeous. In addition to the plethora of porn stars that he has dated, Sheen was also married to actresses Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller, even though both later divorced him after citing abuse and assault. And let’s not forget about his brief engagement to Kelly Preston, which ended after Sheen shot her in the arm.

On the other hand, Kutcher had more of a traditional dating life at the beginning of his career. He would often be linked to movie co-stars such as Brittany Murphy and Amy Smart, but his bizarre marriage to Demi Moore is definitely Kutcher's romantic calling card. The former Mrs. Bruce Willis married the much younger actor in 2005, and they have since become the ideal Hollywood couple. Kutcher has even acted like a surrogate father to her kids, which is infinitely disturbing because her oldest child, Rumer, is only 10 years younger than him.

Despite the fact that Moore is 15 years older than Kutcher, he better be careful what parts of her body he's touching because, while she is old enough for him, her bust line may still be under 18-years-old.

The edge goes to: Charlie Sheen

FAMILY

For as different as their lives wound up turning out, both Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher had similar problems early on. Sheen was thrown out of high school for poor attendance and grades, which spurred him to follow his passion for acting. And Kutcher was arrested during high school for theft and later expelled from his college apartment for partying too hard. He would later drop out of college altogether after he found success as a model.

In the showbiz world, the Kutcher family name ends with Ashton, but the Sheen/Estevez legacy is one of the more hallowed ones in Hollywood. His father, Martin, is one of the film world's all-time great actors; to be specific, he was the star of Apocalypse Now, the best war movie ever produced. Even Charlie's brother, Emilio Estevez, became a household name after starring in the Mighty Ducks trilogy.

Sorry, Ashton, but you can’t compete with old man Martin Sheen, or the legacy of The Mighty Ducks franchise.

The edge goes to: Charlie Sheen

CONTROVERSIES

We would need a whole new article if we wanted to recount every controversy that Charlie Sheen has been a part of; hell, we would also probably need a new website to handle all of that information. But we would be remiss if we didn’t focus on the latest Two And A Half Men controversy that followed Sheen after a very public battle with the show's creator, Chuck Lorre.

This feud was played out beautifully in the media and led to the coining of Sheen catchphrases such as “Winning”, “Tiger Blood," and the term “Vatican Assassin.” Personal meltdowns are always comedy gold, and when Sheen’s downward spiral and bitterness went viral for the world to see, people seemingly couldn’t get enough. However, like most other fads, eventually they did have enough, and now Sheen is left to pick up the pieces of his career after permanently sullying it with his wacky outbursts.

Kutcher, on the other hand, had steered clear of controversy until his June 2011 spat with the Village Voice. After Kutcher championed the cause against child sex slavery, he told Piers Morgan that there were “between 100,000 and 300,000 child sex slaves in the United States today.” But the Village Voice pointed out that Kutcher’s figures were allegedly wrong, and the numbers were actually closer to only being in the hundreds per year. This led to an ugly, public battle when Kutcher claimed that the Village Voice supported child sex slavery and begged companies to pull their ads from the paper.

While Sheen may have had numerous public meltdowns over the years, they were always filled with drugs, hookers, and plenty of laughs. Not much is funny about Kutcher desperately attempting to be “in vogue” by caring about issues he knows nothing about.

The edge goes to: Charlie Sheen

[Via The Village Voice, The Gawker]

ENDORSEMENTS

After a string of major flops, Ashton Kutcher soon found himself in desperate need of exposure after he discovered his film career was colder than a corpse. Sure, he was in some rom-coms along the way, but he never became the leading man that everyone assumed he was destined to become. So he went back to his modeling roots and became the face of Nikon cameras.

These commercials didn’t include much speaking or acting, thus sparing viewers, but watching Kutcher prance around in an ad campaign that he got paid millions for should be enough to make any working stiff turn their back on American capitalism.

On the flipside, Sheen didn't push many products before he left Two And A Half Men in a coke-induced stupor; however, afterwards the actor rode his newfound wave of popularity by endorsing any product he could get his hands on.

His face can now be seen on a surreal line of electronic cigarettes called NicoSheen, and he was recently featured as the host of the Gathering Of The Juggalos, a music festival put on by Psychopath Records. It didn’t go over so well, though, as Sheen was apparently pelted with garbage during his performance.

The edge goes to: Ashton Kutcher

TWITTER USE

In the world of social media, Ashton Kutcher and Charlie Sheen are two of the most powerful celebrities at work. Kutcher was the first Twitter user to gain 1,000,000 followers, a record that Sheen upended earlier this year at the height of his media blitz.

Sheen’s tweets basically follow the same formula: He liberally uses the word “epic," hawks his upcoming mid-level appearances, and then caps it off by typing his worn-out word to live by, “Winning.” After reading about five or so of his Tweets, it’s immediately evident that the recent fascination with the controversial star is slowly circling the drain. But for now, 4,838,332 followers can’t be wrong; Charlie Sheen is still a commodity.

Despite Kutcher’s pretty-boy façade, the man is extremely adept in social media. His personal tweets let his fans get a glimpse into the way his mind works, although that can’t be much more complicated than the way an Easy-Bake Oven works.

He often attempts to educate his followers about worrisome social issues and uses his celebrity powers to raise money for good causes via Twitter. We’ve got to hand it to Kutcher for actually trying to achieve some good with his 140-character thoughts.

The edge goes to: Ashton Kutcher

FASHION

You can’t be a douchebag without a wardrobe to match, and both of these men can be irritating simply because of the clothes on their back. Even though he may not dress as offensively as he speaks, Charlie Sheen’s attempts to look 20 years younger than he really is often come across as pathetic.

Armed with a collection of cheesy fedoras and dark shades to hide his coked-out eyes, Sheen looks like the quintessential sleazy SoCal drug dealer, complete with a half-opened Tommy Bahama button down that reveals his disgusting middle-aged chest hair. Like the creepy loner that inhabits every college club smelling like cheap cigars and stale Cool Water cologne, Sheen’s wardrobe gives a pretty good insight into his inner douchiness.

But before you go off and give Sheen the “Fashion” category, take a long, hard look at Ashton Kutcher without bursting a blood vessel in your head. It’s impossible; the man looks like a complete tool from the time he wakes up in the morning until he falls asleep next to his mostly synthetic wife. Whether he’s wearing one of his many, many blazers, or rocking a wool beanie with a suit, Kutcher looks like the love child of an L.L. Bean catalogue and the Barney’s online store. And his douchey half-beard doesn’t help matters either.

What's so annoying about Kutcher is just how damn perfect he looks at all times. Seriously, there isn’t one picture of Kutcher available where he doesn’t look perfectly groomed. We’re wondering if Ashton should take a little less time meticulously dressing himself every day and spend more time cultivating a worthwhile movie and/or TV project.

The edge goes to: Ashton Kutcher

PERSONAL DEMONS

There isn’t a personal demon that Charlie Sheen hasn’t had. Addictions to drugs, drinking, women, and a bevy of apparent psychological issues have plagued him throughout the years. According to the National Enquirer, his substance abuse problems have led to the disintegration of his marriages, but have yet to slow down his career.

Ashton Kutcher, however, has kept any problem he has had, if any, hidden from the public. In fact, his closest known brush with narcotics was the fact that ex-girlfriend Brittany Murphy died of an overdose in 2009.

But like any good Hollywood story, an douchey actor without a drug addiction is like watching a Steven Seagal movie that doesn’t include shootouts or neck snapping; it just feels like something is missing. We may applaud Mr. Kutcher for leading such a relatively clean lifestyle, but Sheen's repeat offenses with either hookers or coke-filled duffle bags are another level.

The edge goes to: Charlie Sheen

[Via The National Enquirer]  

POLITICAL VIEWS

Who better to preach to us about politics than a bunch of millionaires who have never graduated from college? Like most celebrities, Ashton Kutcher is openly liberal on most issues, although we’re sure he’s pretty conservative when it comes to his ill-gotten fortune.

Kutcher was actively involved in supporting Barack Obama during the ’08 election, even appearing in Internet pledge videos supporting the future president. Obviously Kutcher thinks of himself as influential enough to actually sway people’s opinions on who they will vote for when it comes to the most important election in the land. Because, you know, starring in Dude, Where’s My Car? means that you know everything there is to know about the rising national debt and the philosophy of nationalized healthcare.

However, nothing Kutcher says compares to the sheer douchebaggery of Charlie Sheen’s 9/11 conspiracy theories. Apparently, Sheen believes the attacks on, and subsequent collapse of, the World Trade Center were nothing more than a controlled demolition perpetrated by the Bush administration. We accept that kind of rambling talk from bedraggled hobos in the Port Authority, but coming from Sheen it all just sounds disrespectful.

The edge goes to: Charlie Sheen

SO, WHO IS THE BIGGER DOUCHE?

This was a tough one. Do the clothes make the douche? Are political views and wacky conspiracy theories enough to put one celeb over the top? Or is it simply a matter of the dreadful movies that said actor puts out that makes one douchier than the other? We took every one of these categories into careful consideration and came up with who we think is the douchier of the two, and perhaps the douchiest guy in Hollywood.

And that man is Ashton Kutcher.

Hear us out. Charlie Sheen may be a danger to himself, his kids, his lovers, and, well, the world in general, but not even the world's most infamous tiger-blood drinking coke-fiend can overcome Kutcher’s trucker-hat-wearing douchiness. We may have given Sheen the nod if he wasn’t so damn entertaining.

With Kutcher, we really don’t care what he does, as long as he isn’t on TV shows that we like or movies that we want to see. He’s a bland Hollywood pretty boy with the beard of a high school sophomore. Honestly, if he wasn’t so nauseatingly handsome, he wouldn’t be more popular than Pauly Shore. There, we said it. Congratulations, Ash!