Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)
Snooki's Car Accident Had a Pretty Boring Outcome
By reality television standards, that is. When we left off last week, Snooki had just crashed into an Italian cop car and was being carted away, accompanied by Deena, to the police station. At the time, fans were left to curse out the whole MTV network for deciding that that would be a good place to end the episode, yet can't hate on them too much after seeing the aftermath, because, in "Where Is My Boyfriend?", nothing else happens.
Vinny and the other guys, who had rushed over to the scene of the accident to deliver Snooki's driver's license, go to the police station to bail the girls out, succeed, and they're able to return home later that day with the only consequence being Snooki's license was taken away. Yawn.
The Situation Visits The Land Down Under... In His Bedroom
Most of the episode is dedicated to Snooki and Jionni's relationship issues (damn, MTV, Ron and Sam just stopped fighting), so there's only about twenty minutes of other material.
Near the beginning of the episode, Jenni is informed by Snooki (who heard it from Jionni) that Roger won't be able to make it to Italy to visit her like they'd been planning since she arrived in Florence. Though Sammi cries "bullshit," Jenni tearfully admits that she knew this was going to happen, and proceeds to mope about it for a good few minutes before the girls decide she needs to go out and get drunk. Snooki, though she feels for her friend ("If Jionni couldn't come, I would jump off this fucking balcony and kill myself") decides to stay home (for once), and the roommates go out for some boozing without her.
Remember those twins who Mike tried to have a threesome with, then one of them ditched him for Deena? No? Well, one of them—though we're not sure which, since they all look exactly the same—decides to come by the house when she's drunk, in search of Mike. Snooki, who deigns to let her in, decides after a moment that since Mike has been an asshole toward her anyway, it might not be such a terrible idea to prank him. Plus, she's bored because everyone else is out at a bar. So, Snooks lets the girl in and after convincing her that Mike wants her to call him constantly and give him flowers and everything, she plants the blonde in Mike's bed so that when he comes home with another chick, there'll really be a situation.
Mike returns, as expected, with a leggy brunette Australian, and leads her right into his room where he finds one of the twins on his bed. While Snooki is snickering in the other room, Sitch manages to make this situation work to his advantage; he reasons that, since he still had yet to find out if the Australian chick was DTF, it'd be better to kick her out and just spend the night with the willing twin because she's a sure thing. Makes sense to us.
As it has been most of this season, Pauly and Vinny still aren't really doing anything. We're guessing that their off-camera adventures could warrant a miniseries. Does someone have to be in an annoying, dysfunctional relationship just to get airtime on Jersey Shore? Of course they do.
Snooki and Jionni Are The New Ron And Sam
Where to even begin with these two?
Despite their past fights, Jionni still comes to Florence to visit Snooks. She's overjoyed, obviously, and immediately drags him to the smush room while announcing what's about to go down in there (classy!). It seems like things are going to be calm and comfortable between the two for a while, despite the fact that Mike keeps glaring at Jionni every chance he gets; Jionni mostly ignores this, though we imagine in his head his reaction was somewhat akin to this. Nothing really happens until everyone hits up the bars later.
Jionni's levels of prudishness reach a new high (or low?) when he's out with his girlfriend and the roommates; there's pure embarassment evident on his face when Snooki gets some alcohol in her and starts to getting wild. We get it, no one wants their girlfriend to skank it up in a club, but does he actually know who he's dating? Has he ever watched the show? Because, bro, she's done much worse. Trust us.
Regardless, tensions don't escalate until the gang leaves the bar and heads off to a club, where Snooki does a borderline striptease for her boyfriend, letting it literally all hang out. Jionni isn't cool with this, and he abruptly leaves, saying that she's embarassing him and he wants nothing to do with her. It takes a few minutes, but Snooki begins having what can only be considered a nervous breakdown, and scurries out of the club in her stilt-like heels yelling, "Where's my boyfriend!," about a hundred times. She's drunkenly tripping everywhere and is inconsolable, even when Jenni tries to calm her down, and yells that she doesn't want anyone to touch her or talk to her even when she's standing a good three feet away from anyone who could possibly touch her.
Jenni, ever the model BFF, puts aside the fact that Snooki's just freaked out on her and goes to find Jionni; the others, meanwhile, help a sobbing Snooki home. After walking around nearly all of Florence with bare feet, she heads back to the house without Jionni and with a whole lot of blisters, proclaiming that at least now she can say she "walked bare-foot in Florence." Congratulations.
Jionni returns later on, still pissed, and after a Ron-and-Sam-esque fight with Snooks, resigns to leave Italy despite the fact that he just arrived not more than six hours ago. He announces that Snooki is single through the door of the bathroom that he's barricaded himself in (seriously dude, what are you, 12?) and Snooki proceeds to bury herself under a mountain of blankets in her bed to cry. Eventually, Jionni carefully sneaks back into the room, grabs his suitcases, and gets into a cab, presumably headed to the airport. Or to find the nearest speed dating service.
Best Quotes Of The Episode
"Me and Jionni are going to have guido babies. I can't wait to pop those suckers out. They're going to be so fucking cute and tan." - Snooki revealing her hopes and dreams
"Stupid taxicab, you're so stupid, I hate you!" - Snooki, very drunk
"I f**king get it. I'm sorry." - Sammi, finally understanding how annoying her relationship drama has been
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)