There are many kinds of delicious sandwiches in this world, but none are as tasty as a True Blood episode that crams a bunch of full-moon madness between two scenes of Eric and Sookie getting buns. From a necromancer's vampire massacre and a suspicious home fire to Sookie smashing a man she once loathed and Jason passing up some buns, "I Wish I Was the Moon" is pure meaty craziness. Without further ado, here our five things that sucked (in a good way) and five things that sucked (in a bad way).
Written by Justin Monroe (@40yardsplash)
Five Things That Sucked (In A Good Way)
1. Eric Lives To Sex Sookie
Sometimes nice guys do finish first—at least in the make-believe world of True Blood (the women we try to woo respectfully still go for the assholes who tweet about finger-blasting them at bars and bus stops). Tragically captured by Bill right when he’s got Sookie horny on the couch in a bra and panties, Eric bows deferentially to his vampire king for the first time, his mind wiped of all their previous animosity. When jealous, heart-broken King Compton receives permission from the Authority to give Eric the true death because he’s under necromancer Antonia’s spell and could be used as a powerful tool to harm vampire civilization (or, worse yet, fuck Sookie), Eric surrenders completely, disavowing his former “barbarian thug” self (“The vampire I used to be is a stranger to me. I have nothing to say in his defense.”). Accepting his fate nobly, he thinks only of others, asking that Bill release his rotting assistant Pam from prison and tell Sookie that, because of her, he died knowing love; he also wishes that Bill, who he recognizes still loves Sookie, might reconcile with her and give her the happiness he believes she deserves. This from a guy who used to torture people for fun.
Though Bill raises the ceremonial stake to dispatch Eric, the Viking vampire’s sincere, loving appeal to his emo leader saves his life, as King Compton frees him so he can give Sookie the happiness that he cannot. By happiness, we of course mean sex in the woods on some “Now where were we, my dear?” shit, which is exactly what newly liberated Eric does. And you can bet that this time, he lets Sookie finish first.
2. Tommy Plays Sam For A Day
Last week, when Tommy killed his and Sam’s parents, we totally forgot about the Luna Rule, which states that any shifter who kills their shifter kin will henceforth be able to take other human forms. When, in an agitated, guilty fit, the younger brother curses and hits himself, it sparks a sudden shift into Sam (which allows actor Sam Trammell to do some great work taking on Tommy’s personality). Initially frightened, baby bro soon realizes the benefits of being Sam (who’s tending to one of his burned-down properties) after Sookie comes to him asking for the day off. Tommy, who’s jealous of most everyone and now has power over someone, fires Sookie, then proceeds to boss other coworkers around, hit on some female customers, and talk to Maxine, who is hurt and embittered by his abandonment of her.
The greatest benefit/act of deceit comes when Luna (the lovely Janina Gavankar) drops by Sam’s place, finally ready to have sex with Sam, the good, honorable, and sexy man (her words, not ours) she’s into. Though he tries to stop her advance initially, the twos come out and, well, we can’t say we wouldn’t have rolled with it too. Afterwards, feeling sick and not wanting to be revealed as a fake, Tommy works his way out of a full-moon shifter run with Luna by kicking her out like a complete asshole, majorly violating the “never cockblock your brother” rule we assume all twins have.
Left to himself, Tommy begins yacking and Sam later discovers his ashen faced brother lying on the floor in a pool of vomit in what may appear to him to be a suicide attempt. If he knew how Tommy had totally just run operation CB on Luna’s goodies, we think he might let him die. We know we would.
3. Jason Stackhouse Ain't No Werepanther!
In this week’s installment of “How are we going to get Jason Stackhouse half-naked?”, Sookie finds her curiously absent brother handcuffed to his bed in his boxers because he thinks that if the full moon turns him into a panther, this will prevent him from hurting anyone, especially Sookie. (We’re very pleased that, when he explains this whole werepanther biz, Sookie snickers and grins just as we did. Glad to see that everyone behind True Blood realizes that werepanthers are fucking ridiculous.)
Though Sookie promises to look after Jason, she refuses to shoot him in the head if he turns, so he ditches her and disappears into the woods, where Jessica, sensing his distress because her vamp blood is in his body, tracks him down and calms him with her bosoms—which is odd, because they totally excite us. Citing the scariness of the night she turned vamp, she stays by Jason’s side to keep him company and, after he realizes that he’s not turning into a silly-ass werepanther (it’s hereditary, not viral), have some awkward moments when they both totally want to fuck but know they shouldn’t because she’s his best friend Hoyt’s girlfriend and all. Jason cools the sexual tension with a quick goodbye, a pat on the arm, and an agreement to keep their rendezvous secret from Hoyt, but it’s clear that Jessica is quite smitten with him, so we can only hope that there’s another hookup scene coming for the two of them (fingers crossed that it doesn’t involve Hoyt riding Jason this time).
4. Possessions And Necromancing A-Plenty
Vampires are the bones of True Blood, but witches are fleshing out Season Four quite well, as spirits are marrying to vessels and inexperienced spirit talkers are learning just how deep their powers go.
Imprisoned by Bill and his vampires, Marnie invites the witch Antonia to use her as a vessel once again and avenge herself. As if to show the pathetic coven leader exactly why she's so pissed off at bloodsuckers, Antonia gives Marnie a vision in which Catholic vampire Father Luis feeds on the sultry witch and rapes her at the behest of his maker, who encourages him to scare her more to sweeten her blood. Antonia's burning at the stake follows, only this time Marnie sees her powerful vengeful necromancing in practice, drawing vampires out into the light of day, where they burst into flames that reflect in the witch's eyes as she herself burns to death. The "Spanish Massacre," an impressive Godfather-style retribution scene with religious overtones, illustrates perfectly how right Bill was to fear necromancing.
The king should be even more concerned now, as when Marnie wakes from her daydream, Antonia's spirit presents itself and enters her mortal body as a black mist. While Bill is worrying about how the necromancer can use Eric to hurt vampires, Marnie/Antonia draws another sheriff, Father Luis, to her cell, where she halts his fanged attack and makes him bow down, her subservient pawn....
South the border, Lafayette and Jesus experience dark magic firsthand when they plead with Jesus' brujo grandfather to protect them from vampires. Never one to give a straight answer or explanation, abuelo and his young pregnant lady smirk and instead set the lovers on a journey of self-discovery, first demanding a sacrifice, then turning that sacrifice, a rattlesnake, on Jesus; the snake, which is a gateway to the spirit world, bites his face, at which point the practiced shamans disappear, telling an understandably freaked out Lafayette simply to protect Jesus. Fortunately for the fish out of water, the spirit Tio Luca is there and takes control of Lafayette, who is unaware that he is a highly capable conduit. Speaking suddenly in fluent Spanish, Lafayette/Tio Luca appeal to diety Yemaya for her healing energy to wash over Jesus and calm the froth-spitting, convulsing bite victim.
Now that Marnie has officially given her body to Antonia and Lafayette is realizing his own voodoo priest abilities, the vampires of Bon Temps had better go extra deep underground.
5. Pam’s Emotional Breakdown
Pam is about as cold and unfeeling of a bitchy corspe as could ever exist, but there is one person she loves deeply enough to sob tears of blood for them: her maker, Eric Northman. When King Compton puts him in a cell with her at the beginning of the episode, Pam hides her face, not because her rapidly decomposing flesh is falling off but because she feels so guilty about accidentally betraying his whereabouts and putting his safety at risk. True to form, she does not linger long on sadness, instead filling with a rage directed at Bill and the witches that cursed them both, and a desire to return them both to their old selves.
Eric, his mind wiped and his heart full of love for Sookie, tells her that he is no longer interested in being the cruel Viking vampire god that Pam so loved doing all that "killin’ and fuckin’ and laughin’" with. You can practically hear the black icicle that she calls a heart break. Though Eric later proves his love for Pam by asking that she be released in exchange for his life, when Bill spares and frees them both, he returns to Sookie, and Pam is left with a lonesome rage that will surely get her or a gang of other people killed (starting with Tara and Naomi, who she charges in Merlotte's parking lot at episode's end). Sookie had better enjoy Eric while she can, 'cause hell hath no fury like a betrayed bloodsucker whose face is falling off.
Five Things That Sucked (In A Bad Way)
1. Sheriff Andy Bellefleur Romances Holly Cleary
Pleasantly drunk and inept in seasons past, V-addicted Sheriff Andy has become a one-note character that stomps around all aggressive and roid-ragey, busting people's balls to hide the fact that he's either high or jonesin' for more blood. Like Sam, who threatens to turn into a rotweiler and rip the lawman's face off when he harrasses him outside his charred rental house, we've had enough of the schtick after six episodes. Something has to change.
That something appears to be a less-than-exciting romantic involvement with Holly Cleary, a coven witch and neighbor of his cousin Terry, whose house burned down. Bellefleur helps her move a heavy chair with his V-strength, which leads to an uncomfortable exchange in which they decide that, yes, her buying him a cheeseburger at Merlotte's will count as a date. In one sense, it's good that more will be going on with Andy, but linking up with a woman who says “Thank Goddess” is possibly a bigger fail than hardcore drug addiction.
2. Debbie’s Rigorous Dishonesty
You can't turn a ho into a housewife, and the same goes for a V-addicted werewolf skank. We didn't expect Alcide's biker chick boo Debbie would be content with a life of domesticity for long, but neither did we think she would betray him and their relationship of "rigorous honesty" so quickly, as she does when the Herveaux comes home to find her chatting with Marcus Bozeman. That's right, Marcus Bozeman, the Shreveport packmaster who came to liberated lycanthrope Alcide's doorstep trying to menace him into registering just last week.
And now he may have to, because Debbie joined the pack on her own without consulting him. "Isolation is bad for my sobriety," she argues with him. That's funny; last we checked, the pack mentality is what had her doing V and trying to kill Sookie and Alcide in the first place. Guess "as loyal as a dog" doesn't apply to bitches.
3. Tara Puts Naomi In Danger
One way or another, Tara is determined to destroy our favorite lesbian relationship on TV right now. Every opportunity to cause a breakup, or risk her life or her girlfriend Naomi's, she takes it. When her sexual sparring partner shows up in Bon Temps looking for Tara Thornton, discovering that she and her lover Toni are one, she avoids the instant split (and earns some makeup sex) by divulging the secrets of her painful past.
Now, having just explained what a godawful, damaging place Bon Temps is, why does Tara then feel the need to give her girl a guided tour? Several times this season, she's pointed out that she's never anywhere in the town for more than five minutes without some bad shit happening! And, sure enough, it does, when Pam finds the lovebirds talking in the parking lot and rushes them with sinister intent. This is definitely not the sadistic lesbian tangle that Naomi had in mind.
4. Mikey Sees Dead People
It's difficult to decide where we net out on the Arlene and Terry's ghost/evil baby/devil doll story. One episode, we get a taste of some hidden nefariousness lurking in the doll and their son Mikey, and we love it. The next episode, the story focuses more on ghosts that seem to surround them. Surely there is a connection but, in truth, we'd prefer that there weren't and the additional spirits would just disappear for real.
This episode, lovers of the evil baby and devil doll get another sweet, if brief, taste of what could be when Arlene and Terry's home goes up in flames thanks to a fire set by an unseen presence. Frantically, Arlene searches for baby Mikey but can't find him before Terry drags her out to safety. When adoptive daddy attempts to go back for the infant, the house explodes. Their worst fears are allayed when Arlene's two older kids inform them that Mikey was sitting on the lawn playing with his dirty doll when they first ran out of the fiery domicile. Spooooooooky!
Sadly, the moment is ruined shortly thereafter. Mikey just couldn't be the devil spawn, could he? No sooner than Arlene picks Mikey up outside their flaming house does something catch the boy's eye and make him laugh giddily. Unfortunately he is not amused by the flames engulfing his crib or the thought of almost having killed his family but at a pleasant seeming ghost waving at him in the distance.
So...instead of being the antichrist, he's most likely being looked after by some faction of good ghosts while others do the evil that we initially suspected him of. Ugh. Babies are considered innocent all the time. Is it too much to ask for one that was born a pure homicidal maniac?
5. Pouting Emo King Compton
Gotta give Bill some props for being the bigger vampire and sparing Eric's life so he could go off and make passionate nature love to the woman that they both love. Don't expect us to give him props for looking longingly out at the full moon-lit expanse of his estate, though. Kings aren't allowed to be emotional about former girlfriends. That's the deal in exchange for unlimited sexual conquest. Look into it, Bill.
Written by Justin Monroe (@40yardsplash)