Eric couldn't stay a pussy-whipped sap forever, right? Thankfully "Burning Down the House" brings that period of True Blood to a close, as Sookie thwarts Antonia's assassination attempt on Bill by blasting magically enslaved Eric back into his right mind with light before he can kill the vampire king. In other major developments, Bill plans to eliminate Antonia by blowing up the Moon Goddess Emporium, Tommy dies of his werewolf beatdown, Jason ruins his good thing with Jessica, and Andy finally hits rock bottom.
After closing out Lafayette's unnecessary possession plot last week, True Blood is finally to the meatier, central stories. Here are the things that sucked (in a good way) and the things that sucked (in a bad way).
Written by Justin Monroe (@40yardsplash)
Things That Sucked (In A Good Way)
Sookie Loves A Couple Of Assholes
Eventually, emo Eric, the mind-wiped version of the Viking vamp god who made sweet love to Sookie in the forest and whispered lines so syrupy they'd make Drake gag, had to go. Sook feared how he might change when he got his memories back, if he’d even remember crying and snuggling and all that soft shit they did. When she restores his memory with her light blast, it turns out that he remembers everything, but now, instead of being a selfless lover, he’s kind of a possessive dick who’s jealous because she also loves Bill.
King Compton, for his part, proves every bit as unworthy of her love, planning to bomb the Moon Goddess Emporium with Sookie’s best friend Tara still in it, because he can’t let her single measly human life get in the way of him stopping a necromancer who wants to slaughter vampires. And that, ladies, is how we men are in real life. Suck it or not.
Eric Treats Pam Like #2
True Blood has teased us repeatedly with a showdown between Pam and Tara, but there could potentially be some really bad blood between Pam and Sookie to make up for it. After Sookie breaks Antonia's spell over Eric, the two disappear to talk about how much they love each other. When Pam finally sees her maker, who she loves so much that she endured a rotting spell while trying to save him, she is overjoyed but cannot understand why he didn't summon her immediately after being freed. Our money is on Pam being more than a little enraged that even old Eric now puts her second behind Sookie.
Marnie…That Chick Cray!
All along, we thought Spanish witch Antonia had taken advantage of weak-willed, benevolent Marnie, but then the two separate and we discover that Antonia, a onetime midwife and healer who only turned to necromancing to save her village from the “fever,” is all shook up about hurting a few humans at the Tolerance Festival while attempting to disgrace then exterminate vampires.
Marnie, on the other hand, is drunk with power and forces a reunion, convincing Antonia that all humans not named Antonia or Marnie are evil vampire collaborators and sympathizers who mock and judge them, and are therefore acceptable collateral damage. Colder than a witch’s tit in winter? Word.
Tommy Is Dead, And Marcus Bozeman Is Next!
Any time an annoying character dies off, an angel gets their wings, so somebody’s flying high now that Tommy Mickens is croaked from a combination of shifting into his big brother Sam and taking a vicious beating from Shreveport wolves because their pack leader, Marcus Bozeman, thinks Sam smushed his estranged wife Luna (which he did, but only just then, while Tommy was being stomped out).
As much of a douche as he’s been, we half figured Tommy was just faking his death so Sam would forgive him for smashing Luna, but it appears he's gone for good now. Better yet, his death so pissed off Sam that he looks poised to punish Marcus by putting him down like the bad dog he is (pistol-whipping one of his thugs with Alcide's help is a good start). And if Sam's rage isn't enough to get the job done, you can bet that Marcus sidling up to Alcide's bitch Debbie with some weed and flirtation will bring out the canines and a thirst for blood.
The Jesus Demon Returns
We’ve waited almost a whole damn season since Lafayette and Jesus tripped on V and Lala saw his boo’s snarling inner Latin demon. That quick glimpse was so promising, and then we were led down a road of Lafayette possessions that had nothing to do with it. Fortunately, the ghoul shows himself again when Jesus has to cross through Antonia’s electrostatic force field to prove his loyalty to the witch cause. The interest Antonia takes in the ugly-mug spirit leads us to believe that some really good bad things are still to come with the creature within.
Terry and Arlene Finally Spot Andy’s V Addiction And Intervene
We were hoping V addict Andy might end that tired plot line by getting a super rage on while looking at his shameful self in the mirror and just bang his head against it until he caved his skull in. But OK, this will do.
Things That Sucked (In A Bad Way)
Antonia’s Failed Assassination Attempt
Using necromanced vampire sheriffs to crash the vampire Tolerance Festival, the Spanish witch planned to kill King Compton, snatch Nan Flanagan, and show the world how evil and violent vampires really are. Brilliant idea. Unfortunately, Bill escapes unscathed after Sookie blasts Eric with light, breaking Antonia’s hold over him, and the only people to get murked are some human security guards and audience members and one vampire sheriff, who Nan stakes with a pencil. Is there anything less satisfying than a scene that promises the death of a major character and then delivers only the snuffing out of a couple no-name peripheral players and extras? No.
Jason's Post-Coital Boner
A high school English teacher once told me there's nothing so lonely as the moment right after a man climaxes and pulls out (TMI and not enough context!). If that's true, imagine how Jessica feels; she's lusted after Jason all season only to bump uglies in his pickup and have him then ask her to glamour him so he can forget it happened and assuage his guilt over sexing his best friend Hoyt's ex like three seconds after they broke up. Ouch. Way to screw up thrice, bro! (Get it? Because he banged his BFF's life-love, was bottoms, and then blew it post coitus.)
To her credit, Jessica essentially tells him to fuck himself and deal with his guilt, which he awkwardly does while housing his depressed friend with the active tear ducts.
Terry Helps Andy Admit He Has An Addiction
As happy as we are that Andy can stop taking up time in episodes hiding his vials and acting like a complete asshole because he’s either fiending or high, Terry taking him to Fort Bellefleur to sort things out with a shooting contest, a who-had-it-worse pissing contest, and a fistfight pissed us off. It reminded us that these two characters had wholly unrewarding arcs this season. If Terry’s adopted son Mikey and his creepy doll aren’t going to be possessed by the spirit of his serial killer father, Rene Lenier, at least Andy bringing his addiction into the house with kids present could’ve ended in some gut-wrenching infanticide. Seriously, HBO, please sack up soon on some evil babies.
True Blood’s Worst Cliffhanger Ever
The idea of a vampire hit squad (Eric, Pam, Bill, and Jessica) rolling up on the Moon Goddess Emporium to blow it, and all the humans inside, to bits isn’t the worst conceivable. In execution, though, this was one of the cheesiest episode closes ever, from the industrial cover of the Talking Heads’ “Burning Down the House” playing in the background, to the assault team dressed in all-tight-black everything and packing machine guns and a rocket launcher though they could move faster than speeding bullets and rip hearts out, to the freeze shot of them all walking towards the emporium fading to black. Ugh. Maybe we’ll just call it a season at 10 episodes.
Written by Justin Monroe (@40yardsplash)