This week's episode, "Crime And Punishment," was pretty big for the Jersey Shore gang, as they went through everything from broken friendships to existential breakdowns to fist-fights. Things are far from settling down, however, and we have a feeling that this week was only the first in a series of episodes that'll really shake things up in the house with our favorite guidos and guidettes. Must-see TV at it's finest!
But, of course, if you missed it, we've got your weekly recap ready to go. We're cool like that. Enjoy!
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)
That Taxi Service They Use Is Making Bank
Picking up from last week's episode, "Twinning," Mike wakes up next to twin #1, Vinny with twin #2, and Deena blissfully alone in her bed nursing the hangover-of-the-century. Sitch promptly with sends his girl home; he must have the whole routine hammered out by this point. Vinny, on the other hand, opts to sleep in, as does twin #2, who's unresponsive to any attempts to wake her up.
When Sitch opens the door to inform her that her sister's left, for instance, she hardly budges, instead insisting "I'm an individual" repeatedly from her place on the bed. She sounds like she's still drunk, but we also imagine that she's probably sick of people assuming she has some sort of Mary-Kate and Ashley shtick going on with her sister. Sitch leaves, and it isn't until later that Vinny oh-so-graciously calls a cab to take her home.
Snooki Takes A Page From Sammi's Book, Insists She's "Done" With Mike
Though it's not best to use the same words that Sammi tends to use profusely when she's totally not going to break up with Ronnie, Snooki once and for all clears up where she stands with her and Mike's friendship this week with a simple phrase: She's done.
"Is that bridge burned, or is it repairable?" JWoww asks Snooki while at a café with her and the rest of the girls, to which Snooki confirms the bridge is ashes to ashes, and she has no interest in fighting with him over anything. With that said, the conversation quickly turns away from Snooki and Mike to all the shit-talking going on in the house behind everyone's backs in general, indicating that maybe we should expect much bigger problems on the horizon than just petty relationship drama between Snooki, Jionni, and Mike. You know, if the promos of Mike being hospitalized weren't indication enough.
Later, Snooki calls Jionni to tell him about what Mike's been saying about her. Though it seems like initially Jionni is hesitant to believe her, he eventually assures Snooks that he loves her and all is well between the two. For now.
Most Awkward Sunday Dinner Ever
If you watched last week (if you didn't, read our recap right here to catch up) you should remember when Deena pulled a robbery on Vinny after the girl she bi-curiously brought home crawled into his bed at some point during the night. Even though Deena was originally with twin #2 (who was originally with Sitch, but that's irrelevant at this point), Vinny still considers it a robbery because they were sort of in the middle of things when Deena caught them and dragged the girl back to her bed. She did have a change of heart before things progressed too far and told twin #2 to go back to Vinny, but this doesn't seem to matter to Vinny. It's the principle of the matter.
Things come to a head during the weekly Sunday night dinner, when everyone sits down at the table to eat. Snooki is on one end, mad at Mike for trying to sabatoge her relationship with Jionni, Deena is on another end mad at Vinny, and Vinny is mad at her as well. The tension is clearly palpable, and not even a random burp from Ronnie can cut through the mood that's fallen over the group.
A little instigating from Sitch, on the other hand, definitely can. "That girl Erica called before," Mike informs them with a smirk, glancing between Deena and Vinny. "I didn't know who she was calling for...Vinny or you."
"We heard you were moaning all night," he continues to Deena, who's quick to deny that twin #2, whose name is Erica apparently, did anything particularly moan-worthy with and/or to her.
"She went to," Deena admits seriously, receiving skeptical looks mostly from Sitch and Ronnie. "Then I decided that I didn't want to do that. I realized I'm a little bi-curious...and I've realized, I do like boys."
The conversation goes on a bit longer about the specifics of what happened with Erica, but voices aren't raised until Sitch proclaims that Deena was in the wrong stealing Erica from Vinny, though he has no problems with girls hooking up. "Somebody's in somebody's bed, you don't go and grab them," he explains with a shrug.
"We just hate c**k-blockers, that's it," he adds.
"I'm not a c**k-blocker!" Deena insists, frantically. "I gave her back after!" Logic, folks.
Deena Doesn't Know Who She Is Anymore
After dinner, Vinny and Pauly return to their shared room with Deena and dicuss what they definitely believe was a c**k-block on her part. Pauly jokingly brings up that they move Deena's bed out of the room as a prank, but Vinny actually seems keen on the idea and within moments they're up and lifting her bed right off the frame while laughing hysterically.
Unfortunately, when Deena returns later to find her bed in the living room, complete with sheets, a blanket, and a pillow, she doesn't exactly take it as a prank. She stomps into the room to retrieve the rest of her bedding and hides herself away in Sammi, Snooki and JWoww's room, pretty much just to have an emotional breakdown moments later. "I'm having an anxiety attack," she wails to Sammi as she cries in her arms, actually struggling for breath.
JWoww, ever the voice of reason, goes to Pauly and Vin to ask why they would do something so malicious. "You move on, you f**k another girl, and she moves on," she tells Vinny as she moves Deena's bed back into the room.
It isn't long before JWoww's dragged a tear-stained Deena out of Sammi's bed so that they can all talk about their feelings in total reality television fashion, complete with yelling and screaming and tears.
"You are not the same person as you are outside of this house," Deena tells Pauly immediately, prompting our usually-calm homeboy to actually raise his voice for once. He insists that she's the one who's changed, citing that she was never this "emotional" before and that' why he liked her (how charming).
Somehow, this manages to get Deena to change her tune a bit. Either she's been actually having an identity crisis for a while now that producers hadn't found a way to exploit on the show yet, or Pauly is just that persuasive when it comes to arguments, but suddenly Deena is the one apologizing to them both and excusing her behavior with a broken, "I'm not being myself."
Deena forgives their behavior as they do the same. After going to retrieve some personal items from the other room, Deena returns to find a couch on her bed courtesy of Vinny and Pauly, and all is well once more. Somehow.
Snooki Holds Her Title As The Worst Employee Ever
When it comes to their fake jobs in the show, it's really no secret that Snooki doesn't take the gigs seriously. Why would she? She's guaranteed a paycheck either way, and it's not like she'll ever be forced to leave the house if she's fired from the job. There's no legitimate point to making any of them work on the show, but Jersey Shore isn't exactly known for ever making sense.
Snooki and co. are working at a pizzeria this time around, one where half the staff speaks little-to-no English. Snooki hates the job, and she soon hatches a plan to get a bottle of wine for her and Deena to drink during a break so at least they can be buzzed while they fake-work. The plan itself is genius: She pais a customer to order two miniature bottles of wine for her, and sneak them into the back where she and Deena could chug them in the break room.
It works in the beginning, until their boss Marco comes knocking on the locked breakroom door demanding for them to open it. Snooki frantically yells that Deena got her period as Deena hides the wine in a cabinet. The two open the door and head back to work, while of course Marco goes to search the room in their absence. Easily finding the wine, he presents it to them back in the restaurant.
Though both Snooki and Deena insist that the wine isn't theirs, Marco isn't buying it and he pours the rest of it down the drain while a horrified Snooki looks on.
"Oh my God! Marco wasting all that wine is definitely alcohol abuse because I could have drank that," she reasons to the camera later.
Though Marco tells the both of them that they need to have a talk after work, obviously no one got fired. Anti-climax.
Ron Fist-Pumped Riiiiight Into Mike's Face. A Lot.
...next episode, though.
What, did you forget this is MTV? Land of annoying cliffhangers?
The mayhem all started with, surprise surprise, Ron and Sam. It took them a whole episode of cuddling and snuggling and coy smiles to get back to their arguing ways again, as a trip to a club prompting a clearly drunk Sam to grow jealous of girls trying to dance with Ron. Ron, in total Ron fashion, gets mad at her for getting mad at him, and he leaves the club in a huff as Sam drunkenly tries to figure out what to do next.
They don't actually confront each other until later, when Sam returns home from the club to find Ronnie on the phone venting about his relationship problems to a friend back home. The moment she walks though the door, he ends the call and, weirdly sweating a gross amount, quickly heads to his room presumably in a bid to get away from her.
Oh poor, naïve Ron. That won't work!
Sam follows. They argue, it's the same shit as we've been seeing for the past three seasons, whatever. It isn't until Sam mentions something Sitch said that things get interesting. She explains, rather unintelligibly at first, that Mike told her and everyone else that Ronnie had been gloating about bringing home "five girls" or so one night around the time they'd first arrived in Italy. Cue a flashback to the actual scene where he did.
"You know what I f**king did, I brushed off that shit from my shoulders, 'cause I don't give a f**k what he has to say or what you have to say when you're drunk," she continues, even though Ronnie's now more interested in the actual words Mike said rather than fighting with Sammi.
"Now I'm going to flip the f**k out on this kid," he vows, taking off his shirt which is a terrifying move in itself because you know he means business if he doesn't want to risk ruining the shirt. It's like the male equivalent of a female taking off their earrings if they're preparing to cut a bitch. "Now, like, I'm about to f**king get real f**king gully," he continues to no one in particular, sounding uncomfortably like he's just stepped out of a Tarantino movie or something.
He finds Sitch reposing on a couch in the living room, and begins coaxing him to get up. When he doesn't, Ronnie merely picks up the corner of the couch and shakes it to get Sitch to move, asking him if he wants to "be a bitch." Ronnie even drags Sammi out to tell Mike what she told him - accusations which Mike denies even though it was caught on camera - but things don't really escalate until Ronnie goes to Mike's room and begins destroying shit. It's a skill we already knew he had, thanks to the time when he fucked Sammi's room up in Jersey after she danced with other guys at a club to make him jealous.
Suddenly, Sitch is literally jumping all over the place like a batshit insane monkey on cocaine or something, exclaiming over and over how he doesn't get involved in other people's relationships and how he stays away "all the f**king time."
"You wanna hit me? You wanna hit me?" He coaxes Ron, which is a stupid question because obviously he does. "You wanna hit me, tough guy, you wanna do it?" Mike tosses his own bedframe across the room and proceeds to actually hit the wall in anger, wild-eyed with what we can only presume to be pure adreanaline. Clearly, that wasn't the smartest thing to do, because Ronnie actually listens to him and throws the first punch.
Until next week...
Best Quotes Of The Episode
"At least the carpets are extra clean today." - Vinny to Deena, a not so subtle reference to her hook-up with twin #2
"Let's have babies." "Are you out of your mind?" - Snooki and Jionni on the phone
"Thank God for Deena. Or we'd be f**kin' ending up in Rome at this point." - Snooki on who has the better sense of direction (and also proving to us that she knows her geography for once!)
"It's so pretty at night...when you're like sober and you remember." - Snooki, while walking through the streets of Florence with JWoww
"That's what happens when you take steroids..." - Pauly D in reference to Ronnie, as he's giving a girl a tour of the house
Written by Tanya Ghahremani (@tanyaghahremani)