5. You Spent All Night Frantically Calling Your Relatives in Martha's Vineyard

Until you could hear from Aunt Argilda that the safe hadn't cracked and the boat hadn't detached from port and none of the soft, carpet-like grass on the 9th green had moved, you couldn't sleep. But she was so knocked out on valium and red wine that she didn't pick up. You had to call 35 times, and by then it was nearly 5:45 a.m. You watched the sun rise, afraid it might be your last. Then she picked up and told you to go the fuck to sleep. Love you, Aunt Argie!