Some people caddie, some people work at McDonald’s; you say, “Oh, I’ll just model.”
[Laughs.] I think if most golf caddies could model, they’d model.
You want to make minimum wage or you want to make $150 an hour? And higher, depending on how big you are. Some of them make $10,000 a day.
You? $500. Half hour. Easy. [Laughs.]
People are so finicky about breaking up with someone. It's not like you're doing surgery.
To some degree. I know some people might think that, but most people have no clue who I am and I kinda like it like that.
Well, what happens if you get bigger?
I know, it’s a conflict of interest. I don’t know. I might have to stop acting.
You would stop acting?
Or I’d have to punch out one of the camera guys. Those are my two options in life, what can I say?
What magical pill are you dying for someone to invent?
Oh, I always wanted the magical pill that you could just swallow it and know stuff. So you could learn anything. Like, a new language.
Are you smart?
I’m pretty smart. It’s like how you shrink in life, height-wise—that started to happen to my intelligence, sadly enough. Can’t you tell? I can’t finish some of these sentences. And then, of course, there’s that phase where you could swallow a pill and have an instant tan.
I have no idea where that came from. Do you tan?
No. Well, in the sun.
As opposed to in the dark.
I used to try and tan in front of a fireplace. Me and my sister. We’d put suntan lotion on, and then we’d sit in front of the fireplace. Our parents were there too, and they didn’t even stop us. We just got really close to the fire, as close as you could without burning yourself. And then you get all flush and you’re like, “Oh my god! It’s working! Yes, you look more tan!”
What’s the most illegal thing you’ve ever done?
I’ve done minor illegal things. Like lying at the border. Some of the other stuff I don’t even want to tell you.
What happened at the border?
You lie about how much stuff you’re taking back with you. Right? Everyone’s done that. These are the questions that I can’t remember, then later you’re like, Ahhh, of course.
Yeah, later you remember. Like when I killed that guy in Pasadena.
I, um...Now, before you got married, in relationships were you the dumper or the dumpee?
Oh, I was the total dumper.
What was your line?
“I just don’t like you anymore.” I don’t know if that’s worse, but it’s really simple.
I actually feel a little broken up now.
[Laughs.] I know, it’s OK. Now I’ll pick you up off the floor. It’s so matter-of-fact. It’d be weird, I’d be having conversations with people and they’d be into it, and then I want to go home and we keep talking and the next thing I know I’m breaking up with them out of nowhere. “Oh, shoot. Sorry. I wasn’t planning on that.”
Just very straightforward.
Yeah, it’s not a big fiasco and it’s not like “Let’s still be friends.” All these people are so finicky about it. It’s not like you’re doing surgery.