Apocalypse Now: The 10 Most Hazardous Driving Conditions In Video Games

With Motorstorm Apocalypse out today, we look back at a few games that asked us to do some seriously ridiculous things.

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We love us some sim racers; Gran Turismo, Forza Motorsport, and GTR are all great series. But even though we love driving around in expensive cars that we’ll never be able to afford unless we win some huge cash settlements, sometimes we just want to abandon realism and send our cars through motorized Armageddon. That’s why we have a soft spot in our hearts for arcade-style racers, a genre that’s all about achieving major dents and driving on unthinkable terrain. 

With Motorstorm Apocalypse (which is literally about racing during the end of days) coming out today, we thought it’d only be right to look at the most hazardous racing conditions in gaming history, picking out 10 games that force you to be suicidally reckless if you want to win the race and survive. So buckle your seatbelts—it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Actually, on second thought, screw the seatbelts. How much good are they gonna be when somebody’s shooting missiles at you and trying to knock you off a cliff?

By Rich Knight

 

10. RC Pro Am (NES, 1988)

Greatest Hazards: Other racers, hindrances on the track

RC Pro Am was Mario Kart before there was Mario Kart. It was all about drifting and picking up power-ups like missiles and bombs to screw over your opponents. This was all in the purpose of winning trophies that didn’t really mean anything in the long run. There were also water puddles, oil slicks, rain clouds, and pop-up walls on the later tracks that you had to avoid if you wanted to stay ahead, so if you thought that you didn’t already have enough shit to deal with, then prepare to meet your maker.

You were also constantly being attacked by the other three competitors, so the frustration level was high when you were on that last lap and got shot down by an enemy missile right before crossing the finish line. (We told you that this was like Mario Kart.) The only catch? These weren’t real cars but rather RC vehicles, so nobody wound up flying through a windshield when there was a collision. That doesn’t mean that fists weren’t bloodied when they went flying through TV screens at yet another near loss from a well-timed bomb, though. This game pissed us the hell off back when we were kids and it still pisses us off today. Stupid enemy missiles.

 

9. F-Zero GX (Gamecube, 2003)

Greatest Hazards: Extreme speed, rollercoaster tracks

Sure, the original F-Zero on the SNES was dangerous, what with its futuristic opponents willing to knock you around the tracks and all. But F-Zero GX for the Gamecube took that danger to the next level, mostly because you were piloting a hovercraft at inhuman speeds around tracks that were usually no bigger than a roller coaster rail. Oh, and did we mention that your competitors are trying to send you off into oblivion during the race? Whoever thinks that racing in the future will be easier because of technology is an idiot and needs to plays this game to get a good schooling on what the future will look like—death by hovercar. This game was also notorious for being insanely hard, and driving over the recharge strips to regain energy and hitting all of the speed boosts (as if the game wasn’t fast enough) is the only way that you would make it to the end of the race. We still haven’t beaten the Sapphire Cup on the highest difficulty. But we’ll get to it someday. We will. Honest.

8. Mario Kart series (Various Nintendo systems, 1992-)

Greatest Hazards: Blue shells, Rainbow Road

We’re just going to clump all of the Mario Karts into one. Real talk: If the series wasn’t so cutesy and set in a universe where a man can literally kill his opponents by crushing them with his own body weight, then Mario Kart would definitely be rated M for its vehicular combat. And that’s because the only way to physically win a game of Mario Kart is to employ every dirty trick in the book to screw over your opponent. That means throwing down banana peels, shooting them with a barrage of red shells, and yes, even using a lightning bolt to shrink them right before they make a crucial jump, only to have somebody who’s behind run over them for good measure. Mario Kart is Ben Hur violent.

And don’t even get us started on some of the tracks that you’re forced to race on, as many of them are nothing more than a thin rainbow—with no shoulder or guardrails—that your opponents can knock you off with a well-timed power slide. In related news, Donkey Kong and Bowser are assholes. And then, the game has to one-up the frustration levels by having a blue shell that can basically follow you around the whole track until you reach your demise seconds before you cross the finish line. Mario Kart, sometimes you make us sick with your brutality. And that's why IT'S SO DAMN HARD TO LEAVE YOU.

 

7. San Francisco Rush: Extreme Racing (Arcade, 1996)

Greatest Hazards: Driving at high speeds around San Francisco, shortcuts that have you leaping off buildings

Driving in San Francisco is dangerous as it is, what with its crazy winding roads like Lombard St. But San Francisco Rush: Extreme Racing ran with that idea to its crazy end, having you race at ridiculous speeds with shortcuts galore that led to spots where you could even drive onto (and off) rooftops. Extreme racing, indeed. What made this game so dangerous is that the shortcuts in the game were usually clearly visible for only about a second, so unless you knew exactly where they were beforehand, you usually made a sharp turn wound up blowing yourself up by crashing into the very same shortcut that you were trying to get into, making this a game simply littered with destruction. And it’s not like you would want to avoid the shortcuts either, because they stuck out so prevalently and almost looked like you were actually meant to go in that direction. Death by shortcut was pretty much the name of the game.

In later editions, you were also allowed to drive around Alcatraz, and even San Fran in the year 2049. Why it was 2049 and not some even more distant time period is beyond us. We mean, we might even live to the year 2049 if we’re lucky, so those tracks better be there for us to launch our cars over by then, damn it.

6. Bump ’n’ Jump (Arcade, 1982; NES, 1988)

Greatest Hazards: Stupid opponents, massive-ass potholes

As the name implies, the sole purpose of this game is to bump your opponents into the trees and/or water and jump over massive holes—but why these roads were in such terrible condition is beyond us. To survive, you have to take your pinball-esque vehicle and make sure that you don’t get knocked into the walls right before you jump, or there will be hell to pay. You also have to make sure that you collect all of the P cans or you’ll run out of gas—and you don’t want to do that, especially when other people are out to kill you for reasons that are still unknown to us. (Something about you going to save your girlfriend or something like that. Portal it ain't.)

And there’s even a score at the end of each round of how many people you sent to an early grave, so you’re actually encouraged to kill your opponents by making them crash into the scenery. How deadly is that?

5. Arctic Thunder (Arcade/PS2/Xbox, 2001)

Greatest Hazards: Snow racing, enemy attacks that explode on impact

Racing in the snow is already pretty dangerous, but when it involves punching your opponents in the face, shooting missiles, and launching yourself off of enormous ramps, well, that adds a whole new level to hazardous racing conditions. This game was also actually a follow-up to the speedboat racer Hydro Thunder, which was fun but also wasn’t all that dangerous due to its utter lack of weaponry. But Arctic Thunder is an entirely different beast—you’re actually encouraged to hurt and maim your opponents during the race. Let this be a lesson to all video game companies out there: If you make a first title that’s tame, then make sure that you make a sequel where you kill your opponents to get ahead. It’s just evolution, people.

4. Split/Second (360/PS3/PSP, 2010)

Greatest Hazards: Buildings collapsing, airplanes crashing, all hell breaking loose

Setting a racing game in a reality TV show was a brilliant idea, and one that created one of the most over-the-top racing games of all time. The entire idea of the game is to build up power plays, which are meant to create problems on the road so that you can make your opponents explode and go bye-bye. This is all so you can look fashionable when dodging bombs dropped by helicopters or airplanes going for a crash landing right in front of you. Doesn't sound dangerous enough? How about adding a “Survival mode” where you have to maneuver around tiny spaces while a truck drives ahead of you and drops exploding barrels in your path? Yeah, that oughta do it.

3. Burnout (Various, 2001-)

Greatest Hazards: Yourself

While Split/Second is all about avoiding collisions, the Burnout series has always taken the opposite approach in promoting the art of creating collisions. Why? Oh, only because EXPLOSIONS ARE SWEET. Not only that, but in the later games, you’re actually rewarded for such things as driving headlong into traffic, with your objective being to cause as big a pile-up as possible. If you’re good at it, this could even lead to one massive explosion that could ignite a whole city street. God, we love video games.

What’s always been great about the series is that it’s one part racer and about 100 parts Demolition Derby, giving it a special place in our hearts just because it’s so damn unrealistic. And while it is true that the series is starting to veer more into actual racing territory with Burnout Paradise, we still find great pleasure in blowing the hell out of our cars. It just feels so…American.

2. Carmaggedon (Various, 1997-2001)

Greatest Hazards: Other drivers, mankind's inner demons

Here’s why Carmaggedon is hazardous. It can be won in three different ways. One: by crossing the finish line first. Two: by destroying all of the other cars in the race. And three: by killing every last one of the pedestrians on the street. Suck on that, Jack Thompson.

While it owes much to kill-em-all movies like Mad Max and Death Race 2000, Carmaggedon is in a league of its own because it makes you opt in to mass vehicular homicide. Sure, if you wanted to, you could have killed everybody and laughed about it as your points skyrocketed, or, you could have just disavowed all of the carnage and just race like it’s any other day at the track. It was really up to you. Still, if you were playing a game called Carmaggeddon, you most likely chose the former approach, making this one hazardous-ass racing title.

1. Road Rash (Various, 1991)

Greatest Hazards: Winding roads, murderous motorcyclists

Somehow, motorcycles are seen as not being so dangerous in this day and age, even though one false move and you could go flying off to your death. Well, Road Rash took that concept, threw in some steel pipes and chains, and amplified it to the extreme, having you speed around twisty tracks and trying to cause your opponents to be skinned alive on the pavement. Ouch. That said, the real reason why this game gets top billing on our list is because it’s the only game that we can think of where we imagine that actual biker gangs across the country secretly employ these methods to eliminate their competition. What's worse than a guy on his motorcycle swinging a chain right at your helmet? Nothing, that’s what. Sons of Anarchy got nothing on these fools!

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