Jamie Shupak is the Emmy-nominated traffic reporter for NY1, the Big Apple cable network that’s the end-all and be-all on all things Gotham for New Yorkers. She’s also a beautiful, single woman navigating New York’s treacherous (and hilarious!) dating scene. In her weekly column she shares her war stories and offers her advice and admonitions.

febfourx

febfive

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Hmmmm…

Ummmm…

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Okay, am I supposed to be responding?

novtwenthree

And we have a winner. If you read last week's column, you know the proper follow up is to pick up the phone and call. But there is something to be said for the next day text; it can be easy, instant reassurance, and when done correctly, can even help seal the deal. Key words: when done correctly.

I’m no textpert; in fact you’ll see later that I’ve had my ill-informed SMS moments. A couple weeks ago the lucky guy marrying one of my best friends told me that he wasn’t a fan of the next-day text, because it makes you seem too eager and interested. But sometimes Justin, I think it can do wonders for keeping the energy from the night before in motion. Either way, we all agree if you’re going to do it, the next day text should be short and sweet, with a small side order of sass. Remember though, this isn’t the apple pie; it’s the whipped cream on top.

BE FLIRTY, BE CREATIVE, BUT REMEMBER IT’S A TEXT

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I thought this was going well at first. I mean, any conversation starting with Cliff Lee coming back to the Phillies is good, right? Sure, until he went deep into Sarcasm Land, a very unsafe place to go in texting unless a) you’ve known the person long enough, or b) there is a very good understanding of each other’s humor after only hanging out a few short times. We never went out again.

This guy, on the other hand, realizing that it’s a text – gets in, makes his move, and gets out.

convoeight

He called Tuesday, locked in the plans, and we went out that Thursday night. His text Friday morning was on point too.

DON’T TEXT THE WRONG JAMIE

I don’t want to hear about what kind of crazy things you did last night with Jaimie, Jaymee, Janie, Jackie, or Jamiraqui, you illiterate punk. Spellcheck yourself, before you wreck yourself.

DON’T TUI

Hi my name is Jamie, and I’ve texted under the influence. Judge me if you like, but at least I’ve learned my lesson. TUI can result in the dissolution of a relationship, the funniest fodder ever for brunch with your girls the next day, and/or the total body anxiety of "Will he re-read this when he wakes up?!?"

The following conversation (copy, pasted directly from my iPhone) resulted in all three for me, and I’m hoping it will have the same effect on you as those 1980s anti-drug commercials did. “This is your phone. This is alcohol. This is your phone on alcohol. Any questions?”

tui

I can proudly say this no longer embarrasses me. I have lived, I have drunk texted, and I have learned. Moving on…

LOL + J/K R 4 KIDZ

It’s hard to express how big of a turn off it is when a guy texts me something then says LOL or J/K after. If you’re funny, you don’t need that kind of extra help. Just be funny, and I’ll laugh, promise. I’ve had all kinds of offenders in this category, each more sad and pathetic than the next. There’s LOL and J/K, and then there’s a whole other team of comedians who use LMAO or worse, ☺. Sorry guys, it’s not just me—all my single girlfriends agree, these are deal breakers.

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Um, no, I will not. And as my best friend Jess said when I showed her this, nothing about a smiley face makes me feel confident that you’re a man. Jess, I couldn’t agree more.

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There is nothing funny about this text. It’s ill willed and just plain dumb. I’m still unsure if the “LOL” was intended to make me laugh out loud, but pretty sure it made me VIMM, vomit in my mouth. And for the record, the Eagles were playing the Cowboys in Dallas the next day. This guy doesn’t just need a guidebook on texting; he could use one on life.

Next week: Jamie shares her guide to dating a female sports fan.