8. FRANCIS THE TALKING MULE IN THE FRANCIS MOVIE SERIES (1950-1956)

Bossy, condescending, and prone to licking—sounds a lot like some of our ex-girlfriends. Maybe that’s why Francis the Talking Mule rubs us the wrong way. Or perhaps it’s just because the idea of taking orders from something that resembles an ass is just ridiculous.

Over the course of seven movies back in the ’50s, Francis paved the way for Mr. Ed by speaking to only one human (dim-witted Army soldier Peter) whom he routinely clowns. Together, Peter and his annoying animal friend visited a race track, West Point, and a haunted house.

The formula was simple: Peter’s a dumbass who can’t do anything without Francis’ guidance. Think of the mule as Bud Abbott and Peter as Lou Costello, and, if you’re like us, you’ve always wanted to slap the smugness off of Abbott’s face. In Francis’ case, we’d feed him some of Mary Jane’s grass and tell him to lighten up.

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