10 Signs That A Costume Drama Doesn't Suck

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5. There’s a twist ending that’ll leave any Twilight Zone junkie in awe.

Learned from: Atonement (2007)

Back in late 2007, critics of all kinds were dropping excessive amounts of hyperbolae upon director Joe Wright’s costume drama Atonement. Unable to ignore the cinematic bandwagon, we shelled out $12 to test the hype for ourselves.

In addition to Keira Knightley’s foxiest performance, Atonement blasted our senses with a third act reveal that left us reeling in our bassinet-sized multiplex seats. Clearly we hadn’t read Ian McEwan’s original 2001 novel; we were too busy flipping through Swank. It’s a good thing we didn’t, though, because seeing Atonement without any prior spoiler knowledge lent a special power to the film. We’re not going to spill the beans here, but just know that it’s one of those rare unforeseeable yet logical reveals. You know, the kind M. Night Shyamalan used to dream up before he regressed into a punchline.

2. The screenwriter has condensed the considerably long source material.

Learned from: Wuthering Heights (1939)

The only novel written by Charlotte Bronte’s younger sister Emily, Wuthering Heights is a 400-pager about the torrid love affair between a mentally imbalanced woman and her foster brother. If the title sounds familiar, that’s probably because Wuthering Heights was one of the heavy texts your English teachers used to hopelessly assign. You know, the ones for which your book reports were basically regurgitated back-cover copy.

Bronte’s novel has been adapted many times, but the only one that’s worth viewing is the 1939 version, starring Laurence Olivier. In a stroke of sympathetic genius, screenwriters Charles MacArthur and Ben Hecht clipped 23 of the book’s 39 chapters while penning the script. Using only the essential parts, the scribes abridged Wuthering Heights into a manageable, and audience-friendly, 103 minutes—just the right amount of time we’d ever want to spend watching old Catherine Earnshaw harangue over love’s hardships.

1. Girls say they’d do anything to see it.

Learned from: Any film based on either a Jane Austen or Charlotte Bronte novel.

Most guys have been there. Lying on the couch next to his boo, John Doe flips the channel and lands on a commercial for a particularly uptight-looking Jane Austen adaptation. Let’s say, yet another version of the author’s endlessly pilfered Sense And Sensibility. John groans, but Jane swoons, exclaiming, “Please, baby, take me to see that!” And then the light bulb flickers above his dome—That’s one night I won’t have to motivate her with the same old Jenna Jameson DVD.

Sometimes, it’s best to give a woman what she wants. When all it requires is a tub of $6 popcorn, flat soda, and two hours’ worth of excruciation inside a theater full of ladies, generosity is a no-brainer. If all goes well, she’ll want to construct her own romantic sequence between the sheets, and we’re talking an NC-17 rating here. You’ll never diss another costume drama again.