It's Journalism 101: Never, ever, ever conduct interviews via email. The exceptions? Talking to the president, the Dalai Lama, or Justin Bieber, or, in the case of Bobby Bottleservice, somebody that embodies the strength of the president, the spirituality of the Dalai Lama, and the sex appeal of the Biebs. For months we've been trying to get Bobby to talk on a host of subjects, from the protests in Egypt to Keynesian economics, but it was just last week that we were granted an e-audience with the great man. It turns out he's saving his political commentary for a new column he's writing for The Economist, so instead, we had him talk about Valentine's Day. Someday we'll actually talk to Mr. Bottleservice; until then we'll make do with this instant classic of an email interview.

What kinds of things do you look for in a girl?

Bobby Bottleservice: Da kind of things i am looking 4 in a girl, are big natural breasts like J-Wow, Im looking 4 a girl who is very good at plucking out her eyes’ brow, Im looking 4 a girl who drinks a lot of vokka out of Solo cups, Im looking 4 a girl who is not afraid 2 express herself wit otter girls, ha ha ha, inneundo.

What's your go-to Valentine's Day outfit?

Bobby Bottleservice: Obviously, I wud wear very fancy clothing, I wud wear tuxedoes- tuxedoes wit cowboy boots, I wud wear shirts dat wud high light my obvious good attributes, which are my biceps, which I recently had implants 4, I wud wear all of my coolest necklaces witch include jewelry crosses wit rosaries on dem as well as a necklace wit a dragon wit a rosary around its neck.

What kind of shoes should you wear?

Bobby Bottleservice: Obviouzly, like I will where Gucci, I where Gucci, I wear Dolce and Gabana as wall as my friend Ahmed who has very reasonable shoes dat are pointy and a number of different visual heels dat I by from him at VERY reasonable costs via illegal transgreshions.

What's a good date night restaurant?

Bobby Bottleservice: As far as what wud be a very ideal date scenario,I wud say first and first mostly, I wud take her 2 a very classy reshtaurant like Romanos Macaroni Grill and den 4 desert I wud take her 2 a place very cool like Cinnabun and because of my current regiment as far as my workouts go, I wud not eat anything but I wdatud take her dere 2 inhale da fumes from dese afore said cinnabuns.

Do you have any advice about giving girls gifts?

Bobby Bottleservice: As far as gifts concerns 2 a woman, I wud buy her a number of different calendars wit my images on dem, as far as me dressed as different types of firemen, cool firemen, sexy firemen , dangerous firemen, otter things dat I wud purchase 4 her wud not be roses, but instead 2 be vokka infused roses dat you could eat da roses and and get something very cool like vokka buzz and also as well something classy like rose breath.

What can you tell us about "closing the deal"?

Bobby Bottleservice: I wud take her 2 a cool place like a Mall 2 show her things dat I wud be in eventuality 2 purchase 4 her when I finish masters degree in aquatic area maintenance aka pool cleaning and den I wud do something really cool like take her swimming wit da dolphins… preferably Dan Marino.

What do you do if other dudes start hitting on your girl?

Bobby Bottleservice: Dats a very good as it were question-If I was 2 deal wit some1 some1 dat’s 2 be a girlfriend taker, I wud first get angry at my girlfriend 4 her part in being desired. First and first mostly, I wud show anger 2 my girlfriend den 2 show her how much I love her, I wud punch walls in fits of rage, I wud approach den said predator and like da best dramatic film of all time, da predator, I wud put on night vision goggles and I wud slaughter da guy who looks like da violin player from da Dave Matthewz Band- assuming its always a black guy trying 2 take my girl.

Do you do anything different with "good girls"?

Bobby Bottleservice: Nah Obviously, da only kind of girl I wud take out 4 Valentine's Day wud be a good girl, a kind girl. I wud take her home 2 my motter so I wud provide her wit da clothing dat my mother wud wear, actual clothing dat I wud have in my closet so I can have da smell of my mom around me when da times get 2ugh seeing as how guys cry out loud. C.O.L. bro!

What's your Valentine's Day nightmare scenario?

Bobby Bottleservice: As far as my most none ideal Valentine's Day date wud be where all da girls dat I am currently in a relationship wit, which is numbering in da 10's, all decided in 1 day 2 accost me and let me know dat 4 me 2 be shared is not enough, 4 dem 2 be asoshiated, dat I wud eventually talk them in 2 a Vh1 Style reality show where dey fight over me in a manner dat wud be fitting my hero Bret Micheals wit a bandana because his hair is so cool.

Which of your celebrity friends would you want to hang out with on Valentine's Day?

Bobby Bottleservice: I wud always obviouzly, tenth and eighth mostly, want 2 hang out wit da coolest people and da people who hang out wit me and If I have 2 spend Valentynes Day wit otter people obviously in no specific but specifically order Jamie Foxx, da whole cast of Da Fast and da Furious, Let's see--Obviously very cool people like television magicians like Chriss Angel. Otter things I do on Valentynes Day wit my girl, I wud allow her 2 come 2 da gym wit me 2 see what I do. I wud challenge her 2 a push up competition 2 be like Ha ha ha ha this is flirting.

Any advice for bros that don't have dates today?

Bobby Bottleservice: If you dont have a Valentine 4 Valentine's Day, dont sweat it, go out 2 a club wit a number of lonely girls, or a whole gang who enjoy da company of some1 dey will regret in da morning. And be dat regret, be dat regret. And if u got a girl, just know dere are a lot of otter girls out dere who shouldn't appreciate what you have because just remember --As happy as you think you are dere is always some1 who is not going 2 be a beautiful and as wonderful as your mother.