11. CHANNING TATUM AS CAPTAIN DUKE HAUSER IN G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA (2009)
We know, we know—it seems like utter Channing Tatum hatred around here, but hear us out. We had no problems with the former model when he stepped it up in those dance flicks—that was harmless. But when Hollywood executives try to convince us that he’s worthy of certified guy properties (Spartacus-like epics, modernizations of toys we loved as rugrats), then we have a problem. For decades, men who still rifle through their figurine stash on off-nights were clamoring for a proper G.I. Joe feature film, yet 2009’s botched effort was doomed from the second Tatum was trusted with the biggest role. And look at what this casting nightmare hath wrought: Somewhere down the line, that cornball Taylor Lautner will play Stretch Armstrong. Meaning, that’s one more piece of childhood nirvana we’ll have to helplessly watch get tarnished.