"What can we do?" a
CBS executive allegedly said to
E! Online about
Two and a Half Men star
Charlie Sheen's latest cocaine-and-porn fueled meltdown. "He shows up to work, on time. He's polite, and he makes us hundreds of millions of dollars." He sure does—when he isn't checking into hospitals, buying suitcases filled with cocaine, or consorting with various porn stars. With
The Hollywood Reporter now claiming that Sheen's latest stint in rehab and a possible shutdown of the show could cost the network $250 million, we ponder what CBS could do with their bad boy sitcom star. Check out our foolproof suggestions.
1. Buy Him a House
If we're to believe the tabloids—and really, why shouldn't we?—before going to the hospital, Sheen was going on and on about his dream to buy a house and stock it with porn stars; he wants to create a "porn family." (Yep.) Apparently, the
Two and a Half Men star's business managers put a stop to this, but why shouldn't CBS help him out? Plus, a house comprised of Charlie Sheen and porn stars would make a great online reality series. Everyone wins!
2. Hire Lindsay Lohan to Play His Love Interest
The only person who can make Lindsay Lohan look good is Charlie Sheen. As such, let's put these two together on
Two and a Half Men and watch the sparks fly. Not that you know anyone who watches
Two and a Half Men, but with the major ratings it already has, a tabloid lightning rod like Lohan will only up the stakes.
3. Pay Him in Porn
As Kacey Jordan told
TMZ, Charlie Sheen has a lot of porn. So much so that he has an entire home theater devoted to watching it. Sure, the millions of dollars he's paid for
Two and a Half Men can buy Sheen lots of coke and porn, but perhaps if CBS catches him at a weak and addled moment, he'll accept a monthly supply of DVDs.
4. Fire Him, Hire his Brother
The easiest solution: Like anyone would even be able to tell the difference between Sheen and his brother, Emilio Estevez. Just get him a dark wig, and let him crack jokes with Jon Cryer. Laugh tracks don't play favorites.
5. Cancel the Show
It might just be time to cut their losses. Obviously
Two and a Half Men's shit-smeared success is the root of the suffering and pain that drives one to drink and drugs. And it hasn't been good for Charlie, either.
