Somebody somewhere once said, "If you don't know your history, you're doomed to repeat it." Personally, when in doubt, we prefer to just make some shit up. History is written by the winners after all, and we are nothing if not victors here at Complex. So yeah, we've got a little history of Christy Columbus and Columbus Day from the October/November Kid Cudi/Nicki Minaj issue for you to read while you celebrate this great date in genocide. Some of it may actually be true, and if it is, you're welcome!

<!--more-->Columbus_FlatEarth
October 12, 1492: Christopher Columbus makes landfall, simultaneously proving that the earth is not flat and that smallpox will keep on transatlantic voyages, provided it's wrapped in baby blankets.
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Columbus_Gigante
October 9, 1941: Aspiring stand-up comic Vincent "The Chin" Gigante, 13, is inspired to take up gangsterism after being booed off the stage for telling his "Pinta? Yes. Santa Maria? Yes. But Nina? I hardly knowa!" joke at the Greenwich Village VFW's Columbus Day talent show.
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Columbus_Mario
October 14, 1985: High on psychedelic mushrooms and rigatoni, Mario Caldente of Tacoma declares that he is "feeling super!" at a local Columbus Day parade, and proceeds to dance on the shells of endangered turtles. Visiting tourist Shigeru Miyamoto takes note.
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Columbus_Hugh
October 11, 1993: Fans of even the heartiest meta-entertainments incur blistering migraines trying to wrap their minds around the latest Chris Columbus film, Columbus Day, in which Hugh Grant is tabbed to play "Chris Columbus," a schlocky director who claims to have discovered the formula for the schmaltzy Hollywood blockbuster.
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Columbus_Sopranos
October 9, 2006: After a power failure interrupts the filming of a restaurant scene in The Sopranos' final episode, creator David Chase says, "Fuhgeddaboutit." When the crew continues to set up to re-shoot the scene he says, "No, seriously guys, forget about it. We'll just end the whole thing like that. Now, who wants cannoli?!?"