In Twelve, director Joel Schumacher's new film starring Chace Crawford as a privileged drug dealer on Manhattan's Upper East Side and 50 Cent as his connect, posh and pretty people go nuts for a new designer drug called "Twelve." The object of their jones is said to be like a cross between cocaine and ecstasy, which sounds totally fucking
awesome awful, not to mention destructive to the community. Unfortunately, like many other drugs in movies, Twelve does not actually exist (trust us, we've asked around). Maybe in the future someone will bring to life such substances—somewhere other than their greedy little imaginations—so the world can experience them. To give the chemists among you a nudge, here are the 10 fake movie drugs we wish existed (and a couple we're glad don't)...
SUBSTANCE D IN A SCANNER DARKLY (2006)
What it does: A highly addictive psychoactive drug, D gives users a dreamy buzz and causes them to have exceedingly surreal hallucinations. If they use it a lot, D-heads can develop a split personality, paralyzing paranoia, and a complete breakdown of their cognitive abilities. About what you'd expect from a drug that is also referred to as "Death" and "Slow Death."
Why we wish it existed: Hey, at least if our chick is gonna be smashing off two dudes, they'll both be us. Stop eyeballing our boo, Richie Sambora!
GLEEMONEX IN BRAIN CANDY (1996)
What it does: An antidepressant that was rushed into production without proper testing to determine its side effects, GLeeMONEX causes users to ecstatically recollect their happiest memories—until they fall into a coma, their vegetative brain trapped in a wonderfully pleasant moment.
Why we wish it existed: Coma schmoma! We'd jump at the chance to take a drug that would stimulate our memory instead of causing short-term memory loss, hunger, and short-term memory loss.
JABROKA IN ALIEN NATION (1988)
What it does: Used to enslave the Tenctonese alien race, it's like the extraterrestrial version of a cocaine-and-steroid cocktail. In small doses, it makes users euphoric, but if enough is ingested an alien will grow larger and more aggressive—and probably steal the starting middle linebacker spot on your football team.
Why we wish it existed: Jabroka has zero effect on humans, which sucks for us, but it might help us get some close encounters crackin'. Not that we would ever use an alien's substance addiction to get outta-this-world heady wop or anything...
ZYDRATE IN REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA (2008)
What it does: A highly addictive drug that dealers extract from dead humans, Zydrate acts as a painkiller for recovering transplant surgery patients. Oh, and it leaves a corpse taste on your tongue, which we doubt is anything like chicken.
Why we wish it existed: We've always wanted to find a drug that tasted shittier than shrooms.
HYPNOCIL IN A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS (1987)
What it does: A sleep medicine, Hypnocil suppresses dreams, which is a really good thing if yours involve Freddy Krueger trying to finger-blast you with cutlery.
Why we wish it existed: OJ da Juiceman's rap dreams, for starters.
THE LADDER IN JACOB'S LADDER (1990)
What it does: A military drug intended to increase aggression in soldiers, The Ladder causes those who've been dosed to hallucinate and indiscriminately kill those around them. You might lose the battle, but you'll definitely lose the war.
Why we wish it existed: At least the pussy in your crew—is it you?—wouldn't sit out another brawl.
PROZIUM IN EQUILIBRIUM (2002)
What it does: Intended to prevent a Fourth World War, which could wipe out humanity, Prozium suppresses the human emotions that lead to conflict.
Why we wish it existed: As the wise philosopher Kurupt once said, "You more of a bitch than a bitch." And thus the need for conflict resolution. And not from uncomfortable phone calls like this.
DILYSERGIC TRIUNE ACID IN FIRESTARTER (1984)
What it does: A government controlled, experimental LSD-like substance, it can give you or your offspring the mental powers of telekinesis, telepathy, autohypnosis, and pyrokinesis. More fiyah!
Why we wish it existed: Lighting a chick's cigarette with your mind goes a long way towards heating up her loins. No Valtrexx.
NUKE IN ROBOCOP 2 (1990)
What it does: Something like liquefied crack, Nuke is supposed to take you to paradise, which sounds like the atomic b-b-bomb!
Why we wish it existed: Coke's a joke, crack is wack, and goddammit, Raekwon needs something to rap about.
MELANGE IN DUNE (1984)
What it does: Found only on the sands of the planet Arrakis, a.k.a. Dune, where giant sandworms produce it, this incredibly important spice can add years to your life and give you prescience, which aids space-time travelers in mapping out tricky courses. However, your habit is apparent, since melange turns your eyes blue (they don't make a Visine for that) and can turn you into a mutant (that either).
Why we wish it existed: If only to save on the cost of GPS for rental cars.
NEUROIN IN MINORITY REPORT (2002)
What it does: A heroin-like inhalant, Neuroin, a.k.a. Clarity, can turn a frown upside down. In some cases, it gives a user's child the ability to predict the future—which probably involves your fiendish ass huffing some more Neuroin.
Why we wish it existed: Besides our hatred of needles? Two words: fantasy football. Pick some winners for daddy, OK?
EPHEMEROL IN SCANNERS (1981)
What it does: Intended for use as a tranquilizer to relieve morning sickness in pregnant women, Ephemerol causes birth defects, and may give children the telepathic power to make somebody's head asplode.
Why we're glad it doesn't exist: Ineffective drugs, or those that don't function as planned, are worthless. You ever try getting a refund from a pharmacy or a street dealer? The latter don't even give receipts!
QUIETUS IN CHILDREN OF MEN
What it does: A government-issued suicide drug intended for the hopeless in dystopia, Quietus quiets us. It's amazing how drug companies do that with names. Thank God for Enlarjyadix!
Why we're glad it doesn't exist: Using a drug like this is exactly how NOT to get the party started.