Happy birthday, Dave Chappelle. We wish we could write that in all caps with ten exclamation points and be joyous for dude on his 37th, but the truth is that every time we think about the hilarious homie, a wave of melancholy hits us. It's been over four years since the last, cobbled-together episode of Chappelle's Show aired on Comedy Central, and while we understand him burning out on fame, the pressures of money, and the uncertainty created by white folks laughing at jokes about black folks, we still miss him making us crack up every week (no Tyrone Biggums). Since Dave left his show and scaled back to doing only occasional stand-up appearances, a lot of fuckery has occurred—fuckery that we're positive he would've gone in on. Sigh. Here are 10 things we wish Dave Chappelle were satirizing...
TIGER WOODS CHEATING SCANDAL
Shocked that Tiger cheated on his wife Elin with an array of mildly attractive strippers, and treated them like actual girlfriends, Dave becomes his "swing coach" to teach him what kind of skanks are worth ruining your career for.
ARIZONA'S ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION LAW
With a little help from a glue-on mustache, a supermarket sombrero, and some grade-school Spanish, Dave uses Arizona's SB 1070 law, which allows police officers to racially profile and ask suspected illegal immigrants for their documents, to get deported to Mexico for summer vacation and save on air travel. Trouble ensues when he loses his passport for the return trip and has to cross over using only his vague recollections of Cheech Marin's Born in East L.A. Â¡Chingada!
MTV'S JERSEY SHORE
In this Jersey Shore parody, Snooki, The Situation, and the rest of the cast get a rude awakening when they're relocated to predominantly black Newark, NJ, where nobody seems to understand the importance of an at-home tanning bed.
THE TWITTER EXPLOSION
In order to connect with fans, Dave starts a Twitter account and begins making comical observations about his everyday life. Problems ensue when white Comedy Central execs who follow him besiege him with DMs about how much they love his old sketch "The Niggars," and suggest that he fill out the neighborhood with other white families named "The Spix," "The Kuyks," and "The Slanty-Eyed Chinks." #grafteddevils
BERNIE MADOFF'S PONZI SCHEME
In a prison reality show, Bernie Madoff starts serving 150 years behind bars and breathes a sigh of relief when his cellmate is slight drug dealer Tron, who takes an interest in Ponzi schemes. The old man, though, gets stabbed in the back (so to speak) by his pupil's grasp of the concept the men Tron fleeces—Tyree, Lysol, and Faze 2—demand repayment...in the form of Bernie's fleshy white butt.
GOV. ELIOT SPITZER PROSTITUTION SCANDAL
After he's caught cheating on his wife with high priced call girls, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer (Dave in whiteface) holds a press conference to resign and apologize for his failure as an elected official, husband, and father—only to be continually interrupted by a parade of hookers who keep popping up from behind the podium. When his wife Silda finally leaves in disgust, Spitzer says, "And finally, I am resigned to banging hookers for money until my wife finally unlocks that icebox she calls a vagina," and disappears into the podium, which begins rocking.
Inspired by the fight of patients to decriminalize medical marijuana, Tyrone Biggums begins a petition to legalize medicinal crack cocaine for such ailments as morning sickness, ingrown hairs, and hangnails.
WYCLEF RUNS FOR PRESIDENT OF HAITI
Dave imagines what the world would be like if all its leaders were rappers: Candidates would lose support if they hadn't inhaled...repeatedly...several times a day...since they were 11; presidents would be encouraged to have a First, Second, Third, Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, and Ninth Lady; and, despite a ridiculous amount of melodramatic beef and shit-talking between countries, actual violence would hit an all-time low.
THE TEA PARTY
Dave goes on Hardball with Chris Matthews to discuss his new Teabag Party, which it turns out is entirely unrelated to politics, but is hosted by Akinyele on the first Friday of every month.
THE 2008 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
Blind black white supremacist Clayton Bigsby listens to a series of debates and decides to vote for Senator O-bomber because he "sounds whiter" than Senator McCain. He also proclaims that Governor Palin is "dumb as rocks, but sounds like she's got some nice titties."