Bears are the most fearsome creatures in the wild—but it's not because they'll attack to protect their territory or defend their young. No, you need to watch yourself because there's a certain bear that'll sneak up on your backside and take you out with a rocket launcher. Upon his eponymous game's release a couple of weeks ago, Naughty Bear single-handedly ruined all the hard work done by the Yogi, Paddington, and even this guy to foster bears' popularity among humans. Not that we blame him. The other bears didn't invite him to the birthday party. Who the hell wouldn't go on a murderous rampage? Of course, Naughty Bear isn't the only video game character entitled to some cold-cut revenge. There are some poor schmucks out there who just stay losing, so we're tipping our cap to them: the video game characters who deserve their own revenge video game....
By Ryan Woo
Naughty Goomba
Vengeance Cred: Mario's boot print has been stamped on this dude's forehead time and time again. It's a lose-lose: If Mario dies, he comes back to stomp the same Goomba's face for as many times as Mario has lives. And if Mario abuses one of those 1UP loops, it's basically Bill Murray's Groundhog Day, except it NEVER ENDS EVER.
Gameplay: You play as The One, that lone math-equipped Goomba who wises up and realizes that his people Goombas outnumber Mario's tubby ass by a 10:1 ratio (per level!). Imagine the Ewoks teaming up to clothesline Storm Troopers—except way more curb-stomping.
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Naughty Random Metal Gear Soldier
Vengeance Cred: The options for Snake's disposal of an enemy soldier is almost endless. If you're that solider, then your dog tags basically have the words "Snake's Bitch" stamped onto them. Snake can outright kill you. Or he can practice his many stealth skills and choke you, tranquilize you, interrogate you at gunpoint, throw you to the ground, or simply nutgrab you into oblivion.
Gameplay: As a soldier fed up with Snake's bullshit, you have multiple options, just like Snake:
1. Steal Snake's stupid stealth camo and break into his remote house in Alaska, where you proceed to destroy all of his fine china and steal all of his silverware. MWAHAHAHAHAHA TRY ENTERTAINING NOW!
2. Line the inside of every single cardboard box in the game with flea eggs
3. Capture Snake and force him to listen to all of Raiden's whining over codec. On repeat. With the volume cranked to 11. Sure, it violates the Geneva Convention, but fuck it.
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Naughty Random Bystander in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
Vengeance Cred: Ah, the life of a Vice City citizen. You never know when Tommy Vercetti's about to jump out of the car, punch you in the face, and take your money...then punch a prostitute, jack another car, and peel out, leaving you to wonder what the hell just happened.
Gameplay: Remember that one mission where Tommy has to fly an RC chopper? Yeah, just keep sniping that little RC bird out of the sky over and over again 'til Tommy ragequits the mission for good. Then you can shoot his legs off.
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Naughty Town Member in Final Fantasy
Vengeance Cred: You're already barely scraping by selling potions or whatever—we won't even get into the Marxist implications of that struggling economy—and then some spikey-haired asshat barges into your house, runs into a bunch of walls, and opens all your drawers and cabinets. He finds one stupid potion or like 5 gil, and then runs out the door. without saying a word. Workers of the world unite!
Gameplay: The game's objective? Set as many traps as you can in your house. Fill the potion bottle with Rat Poison. Place a self-destruct bomb in one of the drawers. And set a trap door near one of the walls, because those RPG heroes are always running along the walls trying to find some stupid secret room with that "rare" sword that was supposed to pay for your kid's college tuition.
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Naughty Headcrab
Vengeance Cred: As an innocent headcrab in Half Life 2, you're just minding your own business while you control a human corpse and force them to say creepy backward-masked shit. Of course, everything just goes to hell when Gordon Freeman comes along and splats you with a crowbar. Dick.
Gameplay: In this stealth game, you lie in wait til Gordon comes along, and then *BAM* jump him and take control of his body! Now comes the fun part: you doing whatever you want with Freeman. Bonus points for making that four-eyed mute hit himself in the knees with his own fucking crowbar.
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