wow
Valentine's Day has come and gone, and winter seems like it may never end. For the 3.5 million people playing World of Warcraft (and that's just in the U.S.), though, it might just be the perfect time to plan a little guildy jumpoff. Okay, we have to admit we don't even know what that last sentence meant. All we know is that there are millions of people who love the game, including some actual hot women—and we don't just mean their avatar.

Mila Kunis is a well-documented WoW freak, as is our girl Maria. If you're a WoW player, you may know her as Ophiralyn, a Level 80 hunter from the Mediocracy guild. If you're not a WoW player, you just found your first reason to strap on a scabbard. And lucky for you, Maria was kind enough to lay out the path to a WoW girl's Chamber of Moist Secrets (What? That's a place in WoW! At least the way we envision it!), so take a few pointers, learn some lingo, and get ready to go looting in Vulveroth. (Again, people, IT'S A REAL PLACE IN WOW)...

ophiralyn

1. Don't appear too eager or creepy
When she logs on, don't immediately whisper1 her. You don't want her to think that you're just stealthing2 around waiting for her. Instead, wait a few minutes—she may even send YOU a tell3. If she doesn't contact you, be casual about the way you approach her. If this is your first time whispering her, a good conversation starter is to ask her something about her class or where she got that shiny new sword.

2. Be helpful
If you're a tank/healer and she's DPS4, offer to tank/heal for her since she'll most likely have trouble finding a group. If you have certain professions or abilities, offer them to her before she finds them elsewhere. Not only will she be eternally grateful for your help, but you can use this as an opportunity to show off your skills. /flex5

3. Keep your cool/cast Frost Resistance Aura6
Don't constantly tell her "OMG you're a girl and you play WoW??" or "you're really good, for a girl." Act as if her being a girl isn't a big deal. If you are impressed that she's a female WoW player, ask questions about what got her started or what aspects of the game she enjoys the most.

4. Don't be afraid of getting creative
On my birthday one of my guy friends told me to follow him and not ask any questions. I followed, and we soon found ourselves on top of the highest hill in Nagrand7, surrounded by green grassy plains, a pink-channeled sky and waterfalls. He opened trade8 with me and gave me a box of chocolates and a bouquet of red roses. Moral of the story? Romantic gestures work, even if it's virtual. Warning: Only use this move if you've been talking to her for a while. You don't want to freak her out and have her hearth9 in the middle of your grand gesture.

5. Keep your e-peen in your pants
All the talk about how big your DPS is unbuffed10? Keep it to a minimum. You'll have your chance to show how skilled you are. If you're in a group and need another player, invite her along. Let her find out on her own that you are indeed a "show-er."

6. Listen!
Whether we're venting about how annoying this Death Knight11 was in ICC12 last night or what a hard day at work we had, listen and be understanding. If you've had similar experiences, share them with her. Soon enough she'll discover just how much you have in common.

7. Not all of us are dirty Hordes13
If she initiates dirty talk, play along. But don't think that this is your green light to ALWAYS talking dirty. Be creative and fun about it. Use in-game resources like the ever reliable /flirt emote, or lure her into one of the private rooms in Dalaran14. Let's face it, Blizzard put those there for a reason; it would be a shame to let them go to waste.

8. Don't be pushy
When you find out a player is a girl, don't immediately ask her for a pic or to hop on Vent15 to prove it. We're not here to prove ourselves to you; we're here to enjoy the game and kick some ass. You'll get her into Vent in due time. Here's a hint on how to do it without seeming creepy; invite her to be a part of your Arena Team16 or a raid. All good players know that communication is part of a good team and part of that is using Vent. She won't suspect a thing.

9. Role-playing is fun
Start things off subtly with a simple /wave or even a /hug. Wait for her to make the first move. Just make sure to use emotes with caution; you don't want to make her flee with too much /love.

10. Tit for stats
With the game constantly changing, everyone can use some constructive criticism every now and again. If you've noticed that she's outDPSing17 you, ask her what her stats are or what rotation18 she's using. If she's not doing something correctly, offer your advice. Sharing tips makes her notice that you've been noticing her. Just don't be mean to her (even if she did stand in fire that one time).19

11. Be funny
Don't be that douchebag in trade chat20 who still thinks linking spells after "anal" is funny. We all see you doing it and we're ignoring you. 21 That's not to say that girls don't enjoy dirty jokes—just figure out her sense of humor and make her laugh. Girls love the funny guy, it shows confidence.

12. Ninja her heart, not her loot22
IRL23 ninjas are hot. In-game ones? Not so much. A bad reputation will follow you into the depths of Azeroth24. There's prbably no quicker way of getting a girl to /ignore25 you than ninja-ing26 her loot. If you happen to have the bad-boy reputation and she doesn't dig it, move on. It might seem like there aren't many of us out there, but trust me: there's a girl in Azeroth looking for someone who likes to cause a little trouble. /wink

13. Like the loading screen tip says, "a little kindness goes a long way."
Sometimes it's hard to not get caught up in all the childlike in-game behavior, so remember that the same tactics you used on girls when you were in grade school aren't going to work anymore. Instead of acting like you don't like her, compliment her on her Arena Team Stats or congratulate her on getting her hands on the BiS27 trinket.

And Now For The WoW Key:

1 A "whisper" is a private message that only the specified recipient will see. Like an instant message, but specific to WoW.

2 The usual behavior of the the Rogue class.

3 Players often use the acronym PST (please send tell) when requesting for other players to send them an in-game IM.

4 Damage per second, which refers to the damage-dealing classes. Since there are always more DPS than tanks or healers on a server, it's a lot more difficult to find a group as a DPS class.

5 Emotes are pre-generated macro sayings and actions that need to be typed out with "/" followed by the action. In this case "/flex" would produce the text "You flex your muscles. Oooooh so strong!"

6 Frost Resistance Aura is a Paladin ability that gives players a resistance to frost damage.

7 Nagrand is a zone in Outland, introduced in The Burning Crusade expansion.

8 Opening trade is the way players exchange items, money and some services.

9 Using your hearthstone, a device used to teleport yourself to any home place. All players have a Hearthstone.

10 Buffs are beneficial spells that generally increase your statistics.

11 The newest class added with the Wrath of the Lich King expansion.

12 Icecrown Citadel is the newest end-game 10- and 25-man raid.

13 Horde is one of the two opposing factions in the game.

14 Dalaran is a neutral city in Northrend.

15 Ventrilo is a voice communication application used by online gamers. You can use the Ventrilo client along with a microphone or headset to talk to other users connected to the same Ventrilo server.

16 An Arena Team is a team of two, three, or five players formed to compete in the Arena Player vs. Player system.

17 "This player is outDPSing me" means that they are doing more damage than you.

18 The order in which a certain class will cast its spells or use its abilities.

19 "Don't stand in fire" is the most important thing NOT to do. Ever. It incurs damage, and you'll eventually die. Players who stand in fire are usually made fun of and doing it repeatedly will get you labeled as a bad player.

20 Trade Chat is a common chat channel that only works in capital cities. This channel is intended for buying, selling, and trading of items and services, but is often used for general in-game chit-chat.

21 Since the introduction of spell linking in Patch 2.4, players are now able to link their spells/skills in select channels.

22 Items or money you get from mobs or containers. Loot can vary from worthless to very valuable.

23 In real life

24 The name of the world in which World of Warcraft takes place.

25 Players have the option of putting others on their "Ignore" list. This way, they will never have to hear from that player again. You can do this by right-clicking on a player's name and selecting ignore or by typing the command "/ignore [player]"

26 A player who takes loot to which he or she is not entitled

27 Best in Slot, or best existing item for that particular piece of armor.

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