Porn is without context, without history, without precedent or future or space or time or spacetime (holla at us, PBS!). Porn just is. But that doesn't mean that the men and women who toil at their craft shouldn't be honored, does it? No, of course they should be honored. And honor them is what we do. Because if we can't plant the image in your brain of a porn star as a tiny mewling baby or sitting next to a stinky drunk in a holding tank, then we're not fit to be called journalists. But let's not argue about semantics; instead, just read on to meet Pat Buchanan's worst nightmare and—actually, all these women are Pat Buchanan's worst nightmare. Because he's afraid of vaginas!
4/14/75 VERONIKA ZEMANOVA BORN IN ?ESKÃ‰ BUD?JOVICE, CZECH REPUBLIC
• We said she was 62nd hottest woman of the last decade , but that's only because we wanted to make room for people who weren't as hot. Does that make sense to you? Nah, us neither.
4/14/84 KRISTINA ROSE BORN IN SAN DIEGO, CA
• And if you haven't seen Bitchcraft 6, her performance therein garnering the Complex-cosigned starlet an AVN nomination for "Best All-Girl Couples Sex Scene," then you're missing out. and if you haven't watched it while eating a sandwich at 'Wichcraft in NYC, then you're missing out on bragging rights that absolutely no one cares about. Also, we're guessing it'd make your sandwich taste gross.
4/14/54 SEKA BORN IN RADFORD, VIRGINIA
• You may think that the '80s legend is most famous because of her more than 200 films, but it's actually from getting name-checked by Redman on the "Tonight's da Night" remix: "my style's freaky, nasty like Seka's pussy vapors when I raped her!" Which brings to mind two questions: 1) do power-u vapors set off smoke alarms? and 2) why is Reggie talking about raping women?
4/16/80 ADRIANA SAGE BORN IN MEXICO
• Just think: if Pat Buchanan had gotten his way, we may never have known the joy of seeing Ms. Sage in the "uncut remix" video for 50's "P.I.M.P." Or, uh, Cherry Poppers 6. Just sayin'.
4/19/05 MARY CAREY ARRESTED IN TACOMA, WA
• Three years before she showed her ass (literally) on Celebrity Rehab, the onetime gubernatorial candidate and proud owner of breasts that we can only imagine are filled with some sort of weapons-grade bionic nougat got knocked in a strip club for "touching herself in a sexual manner." In a STRIP CLUB? Insanity, we tell you.