Throughout mankind's illustriously violent history, there have been revolutionaries, figures who sparked entire nations to rise up and throw off the shackles of oppresion. For the Dualshock and Sixaxis jockeys among us, our Che Guavara is, for better or for worse, the Fanboy. Fanboys are so steadfast, so unwaveringly single-minded in their beliefs, that Alexander the Great himself would have facepalmed and ragequit had he attempted to conquer them. Given any valid provocation (though sometimes they don't even need that), they're willing to raid message boards and forums, wreaking havoc across every single Interweb on Valve's green Earth. And sometimes—OK, rarely—they'll actually take their armchair tactics to the streets. What follows are five moments in history where Fanboys made their indelible mark on society. Be warned. No, be inspired to take up arms. We'll see you on the frontlines!
DEVIL MAY CROAK
Filed Under: ZOMG RAGE Petition, Online Revolution
The Devil May Cry franchise has always been associated with the Playstation brand. So when Devil May Cry 4 was announced as a cross-platform title, Sony fanboys caused the Internet to supernova, creating a new galaxy of idiocy. The Sony elitists decided that the best way to make their voices heard was by creating an online petition—because that's what Che woulda done, yo. Their manifesto stated that the undersigned would boycott Capcom products unless Capcom rescinded their decision to make a 360 version. Which, of course, never happened. In fact, the petition is still floating in cyberspace—you can probably sign the petition right now before you head out to Game Stop to buy your used copy of DMC4 for the 360. Futility FTW!
File Under: Pure Fuckery, Online Revolution
Everyone seems to know someone who has been affected by the mass tyranny of the Red Ring Of Death. What's a Microsoft Militia Member to do when their Dear Console has faltered in the public eye? Upon the arrival of the first RROD news, the MMMs took up arms in the Internet jungle and began to wage guerilla warfare. Whenever RROD victims grieved their lost console on a forum(while awaiting their second or third replacement to arrive in the mail), MMMs were quick to strike with the "LOL u obviosly dont kno how to take care of ur consol stop enclosing it in a non-ventulatd entertainmint centr u idiot" posts. Normal 360 gamers were quick to point out that their systems were well cared for and out in the open. It didn't matter; MMMs continued their hit-and-run trolling until no one bothered to listen anymore. The MMMs thus assumed they'd won the battle on the threads, resulting in the greatest victory since 'Nam. Or at least since they hacked daddy's Net Nanny password.
WORLD OF WTF
File Under: YouTube Rant, Pure Fuckery
By now, many of us have seen leaked political revolution footage that squeaked through some government's draconian information filters. The grainy pictures and video clips ripped open new doors that allowed the rest of the world to better understand what might be happening within struggling nations. This is NOT one of those video clips. Homie here just got his WoW account yanked, and his brother was savvy enough to place a video recorder in his room to capture the—wait, did he just put that remote control in his ass? And does it matter that's fake? No, because a) even if it's exaggerated, this is more accurate than people care to admit, and b) it is AWESOME.
File Under: ZOMG RAGE Petition
Like any ruling entity, Valve needs to develop sequels to remain in power amongst its followers. So that long after Left 4 Dead had been out in the wild, they announced Left 4 Dead 2. However, Valve's declaration resulted in the sexually frustrated squeals of fanboy revolt. Because the original L4D had only been released a year before the proposed release date for L4D2, fanboys created another sure-fire online petition to make their voices heard. Valve
totally cowered before the awesome might of the petitiondecided to meet with the two creators of the petition, and the rebellion was quelled shortly thereafter. L4D2 dropped without any additional whining.
FANBOY FANTASY XIII
FIle Under: Public (sort of) Protest
Occasionally, fanboys will make their presence known in real life. If the situation is dire enough, they're willing to risk the dangers that come with leaving the house: bullies, mass transit, and people with vaginas. And sometimes—if we're lucky—we get to see their rage in action. PS3 Final Fantasy fans expressed their extreme displeasure about the Xbox 360 release of Final Fantasy XIII at a release event at a London HMV. Whenever the announcer made a reference to the 360 version of the game, fanboys
threw Molotov cocktailsbooed. Loudly. Security almost had to come in carry the fanboys out by their emo bangs. While we're on this, WTF is with Sony kids? Get a hobby, fam. Seriously.