There's nothing weird about a grown man fighting crime in tights.
We're not gonna lie, there are days when we wish we could pull our tighty whities on over our jeans, tie a belt around our foreheads, and chase down purse snatchers in Central Park. Then we remember we're just ordinary citizens, not superheroes! But whether you know it or not, the world is filled with Average Joe crime fighters, and we're not just talking about characters from movies like Kick-Ass, in theaters Friday, or Woody Harrelson's Defendor, out on DVD tomorrow. You may think we're making this shit up, but there's a whole subculture of real-life superheroes who patrol our streets day and night. Just hit the jump to see our hilarious round-up of real-life superheroes...
THE UNCANNY GODDESS OF COCKBLOCKING
Origin Story: Her name is Terrifica, and she patrols the streets of New York City late at night to make sure drunk girls are not taken advantage of by villainous men. (She seems to think most men are, ever since a boyfriend dropped her obviously loony ass.) To further ensure the beaver hunters of NYC go home empty-handed, Terrifica carries around a fanny pack filled with pepper spray to blind perverts.
Superpower: Terrifica is single-handedly capable of lowering birth rates across the Tri-State area. She is also able to dash a man's chances of a one-night stand quicker than the fat friend who never gets laid.
Weakness: In one word: Wingmen. Nothing stops this cockblock quicker than a cunning, deceptive male who is able to feign sexual interest in her. But then again, good luck finding a wingman who will tackle a chick wearing a fanny pack.
THE CANUCK CREEPER
Origin Story: Coming from Iqaluit, Canada, Polarman can hardly find time in his superhero schedule to rest. He spends his days shoveling snow off sidewalks in front of unsuspecting homes and spends his nights on the hunt for criminals.
Superpower: Aside from having the upper-body strength of Jack LaLanne (have you ever tried shoveling snow all day?), Polarman has the supernatural ability to smash all the cougar wives in his small town while their fishermen husbands are at sea. First he's plowing your driveway, next thing you know he's plowing your wife.
Weakness: Polarman is rendered useless by patches of hard ice and, of course, chastity belts.
THE NOT-SO AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO
Origin Story: The unemployed, recently divorced Master Legend (left) and his 30-something sidekick, Ace, live together in Orlando where they keep watch over their crumbling, low-income neighborhood. When they're not at their secret headquarters practicing air guitar, the duo can be seen around town pretending to fight crime.
Superpower: Master Legend and Ace are incredible at evading debt collectors. The two men have somehow been able to stave off eviction of their secret lair for countless fortnights without paying their bills. They might not have heat or electric, but who needs all that when you've got a fat, hairy sidekick keeping you warm in bed.
Weakness: Nothing stops this duo in their crime-fighting tracks quicker than Saturday matinees of Chocolat. Can you really expect them to chase bad guys with Johnny Depp on the brain?
EL PRESIDENTE DE POLLO FRITO
Origin Story: Hailing from the gritty streets of Mexico City, Superbarrio is a legend amongst hombres. Decked from head to toe in wrestler's spandex, Superbarrio is a high school dropout who fights corruption by organizing protests and filing petitions. How wonderfully anti-climactic!
Superpower: Settling down with a real girl can be tough for a busy, spandex-wearing superhero with man boobs. Which is why Superbarrio has evolved the incredible ability to smell out whorehouses in every barrio across Mexico. And you thought brothels only existed in Tijuana, silly American!
Weakness: Nothing stifles citizen petitions and due process like Mexican
drug lordspolice. And there's no bigger kryptonite for Superbarrio himself than a fresh, hot chimichanga.
SMOG SUCKER: THE ENVIRONMENTAL ENIGMA
Origin Story: Captain Ozone lives off the grid with no electric or running water. He is a champion of renewable energy and makes appearances at grade schools and hemp festivals to teach others how to lead environment-friendly lives. By comparison, he makes Al Gore look like a Hummer-driving, oil-drilling, Sarah Palin-loving freak.
Superpower: Aside from his uncanny ability to never shower, Captain Ozone can miraculously drink his own urine, just like Kevin Costner in Waterworld. Except unlike that pretty boy Costner, Capt. Ozone doesn't need some fancy little machine to purify it. He prefers it straight from the source.
Weakness: Captain Ozone is impervious to most man-made things, except for weak acid. Nothing brings him back down to reality quicker than some bunk LSD. After all, drugs are about the only thing separating him from the villainous Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski. How else would he have gotten the idea to move into the woods and save the environment while wearing a suit from The Incredibles?
THE WHEEL LOCK ANARCHIST
Origin Story: We could definitely use more people like the Angle-Grinder Man of England on this side of the pond. Operating on a platform of distaste for the government's senseless bureaucracy, Angle-Grinder Man helps free the cars of deadbeat drivers by sawing off wheel-locks. He even has a hotline you can call if The Man tries to lock up your ride.
Superpower: Angle-Grinder Man possesses the incredible ability to get drunk drivers and compulsive double-parkers back on the road! It doesn't matter to Angle-Grinder that your car is locked up because you mowed down a gaggle of children on your way home from the pub. Because who can really decide what constitutes "safe" driving anyway?
Weakness: Nothing strikes fear in Angle-Grinder Man more than a horse-and-carriage. Maybe it has something to do with his childhood when he tried to free a horse from the human-imposed bondage of a horseshoe and got a swift kick to the head. Ever since then he's been running around in a mask and cape trying to liberate motorists from the enslavement of paying parking tickets.
THE MEGALOMANIAC OF MINNESOTA
Origin Story: If you ever happen to be in Rochester, Minnesota and see Geist walking toward you, it might be in your best interest to cross the street. He bills himself as a savior of the downtrodden, but we've always been taught to be scared of senile men in cowboy costumes wielding cattle prods. He claims all his "methods and weapons are legal," which is very possible since there's not much that isn't legal in Minnesota.
Superpower: Geist has the incredible ability to clear out entire keg parties with one swoop of his cape. It's not really magic, but who the fuck wants to party with someone who looks like this?
Weakness: Atomic Wedgies. Nothing leaves Geist quivering like a baby faster than bringing back the painful memory of high school by pulling his Hanes over his Stetson hat.
THE PRIVATE LIFE OF A PEEPING TOM
Origin Story: It's a good thing The Eye has a background in private investigation. Otherwise, his neighbors might start to be alarmed by all the secret electronic spy cameras he and his wife, Lady Mystery, have set up around his California neighborhood. All is fair in the name of keeping an eye on crime, right?
Superpower: The Eye has mastered the art of never having to be bogged down with family reunions of any kind. Ever since the Thanksgiving when he showed off his collection of "home movies" which were really just surveillance videos of his son-in-law wacking off in the bathroom, it's been nothing but empty nestin' for him and wifey.
Weakness: Hemorrhoids. You spend a career full of all-night stakeouts in your DeLorean and see if you don't walk away with a sphincter like a tennis ball hopper.
THE FAR EAST PHILANTHROPIST
Origin Story: Here's a perfect example of a culture clash: In America, a strange man who wears a costume and hands out candy to children is called a pedophile. In Hong Kong, that same man is called Red Arrow, a real life superhero!
Superpower: Unlike the overwhelming majority of ordinary human beings, Red Arrow has miraculously been able to put off the task of becoming an adult. He's been stuck in his Peter Pan phase for more than a couple years now, which is truly amazing.
Weakness: Aside from his superhuman hatred of vegetables, there's nothing more damning to Red Arrow's superhero plan than people who question why he's got an arrow pointing down to his crotch. Are we supposed to meet the legend?
THE MAD SCIENTIST
Origin Story: Happen to need a custom-fitted piece of electrified body armor? Or maybe you just need a metal gauntlet to better fist your girlfriend? Either way, make sure to call Professor Widget, a 60-something loon from Iceland who makes armor for real life superheroes.
Superpower: Probably the most legitimate power on this list, Professor Widget has managed to forge a career out of making glorified Halloween costumes for nerds going through mid-life crises.
Weakness: Evening gowns by Vera Wang. Yeah, it doesn't really make sense, but how much about this list really does?