The show is called Dancing with the Stars, so why is it that every season ABC trots out another has-been, never-was, or someone who is a legitimate star only in Azerbaijan? This week, the network announced the cast for season 10, and nothing has changed. While we enjoy the inclusion of diva wide receiver Chad Ochocinco, sexy sideline reporter Erin Andrews, and The Pussycat Dolls' Nicole Scherzinger, we refuse to call Kate "I left my eight kids with the babysitter because what they really need is for mommy to win a reality dance contest" Gosselin and The Bachelor's Jake Pavelka stars. Not that we expected much better, given the show's track record. With that, allow us to run through, season by season of Dancing with the Stars, the people least worthy of being called stars.
SEASON ONE: TRISTA SUTTER
Claim to Fame: Runner-up on the first season of The Bachelor; "star" of the subsequent gender-reversed spin-off The Bachelorette; 26 million viewers tuned in to watch her marry Ryan Sutter.
Complex Says: Great, she was a desperate woman who would humiliate herself with a group of other unlucky women to get wifed up. Our Aunt Flo would've done the same, but at least she wouldn't have been the first contestant booted off this franchise.
SEASON TWO: GISELLE FERNANDEZ
Claim to Fame: TV news anchor; co-host of Access Hollywood, This Week in History; five Emmy Awards for journalism; author of children's books
Complex Says: Accomplished? That's for sure. Hardworking? Without question. But who said that overachieving journalists who write children's books for fun in their spare time qualify as stars? With great joy, we report that Fernandez was eliminated after just three weeks.
SEASON THREE: MONIQUE COLEMAN
Claim to Fame: Co-star in High School Musical movies; actress in The Suite Life of Zack & Cody (Disney Channel)
Complex Says: Honestly, if it wasn't for placing fourth in the third season, Monique would be only be vaguely remembered as that chick, whatshername, who spent her 20s pretending to be a teenager. Just saying.
SEASON FOUR: IAN ZIERING
Claim to Fame: Co-star of the original Beverly Hills, 90210
Complex Says: Ziering ran the '90s with the rest of his 90210 cohorts, but seriously, aside from playing 21 at age 35, he has the filmography of a failed actor. Kudos on finishing fourth, though. We'll give him that.
SEASON FIVE: ALBERT REED
Claim to Fame: Model (see suspiciously sensuous Abercrombie & Fitch campaigns)
Complex Says: Unless his name is Derek Zoolander, a male model can get a chiseled, cheek-sucking fuck outta here. Graciously, Reed did get the fuck outta there after only two weeks.
SEASON SIX: CRISTIAN DE LA FUENTE
Claim to Fame: Actor (he's big shit in Chile, if you like prime time dramas, or variety and dance shows)
Complex Says: Born and raised in Chile, de la Fuente was an aspiring civil engineer in college before a talent scout spotted him (good work—what the world definitely needs more of is actors). Look, the man can dance (he finished third), but for him to qualify as a star, we'd have to move the set to Santiago.
SEASON SEVEN: CODY LINLEY
Claim to Fame: Actor on That's So Raven, Hannah Montana, and My Dog Skip
Complex Says: The chances that you'd have seen this post-pubescent Justin Bieber lookalike in anything is slim, but then you didn't just sprout hair on your balls yesterday.
SEASON EIGHT: MELISSA RYCROFT
Claim to Fame: Serial reality TV contestant (Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team, The Bachelor)
Complex Says: She might have finished third on the eighth season, but she took a major L on The Bachelor when Jason Mesnick, the 13th season's stag, proposed to her in the finale only to break up with her weeks later for the runner-up. Ouch! Being rejected doesn't make you a star, though it does guarantee that we'll try to help you rebound doggystyle.
Claim to Fame: Brother of Nick Carter (Backstreet Boys); pop artist; scandalous news headlines
Complex Says: He's not a nobody exactly, but the amount of douchebaggery oozing from his pores landed this former pop sensation on this list in a jiffy. The only props we can give him (besides lasting until week eight) is for dating Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff at the same time, thereby provoking a Hollywood catfight between the two. Still, that technically only makes him a star-fucker.