10 Reasons Why The Academy Award Nominees Are All Racist

PRECIOUS: BASED ON THE NOVEL "PUSH" BY SAPPHIRE
Why it's racist: An obese, illiterate black teen (Gabourey Sidibe) who's twice impregnated by her father and living off of welfare with her mom (Mo'Nique), who physically, mentally, and sexually abuses her? This shit is so simultaneously race-baiting and conservative and patronizingly liberal that we can't decide if "Sapphire" is a pen name for Rush Limbaugh or Rachel Maddow.

AVATAR
Why it's racist: We'd tell you exactly how many Native American and African tribes James Cameron stole from to create the Na'vi culture so he could replace actual Native American and African actors with digitally-crafted giant blue cat aliens, but we slept through all our anthropology lectures in college. All we know is, J.C. was a hook-nosed haggling merchant away from pulling a George Lucas.

THE BLIND SIDE
Why it's racist: Another white woman (Sandra Bullock) saves another troubled black youth (Quinton Aaron) from poverty and crime by teaching him to use his brain big black ass to pass block for white quarterbacks. How subtly racist of Sandra.

DISTRICT 9
Why it's racist: Besides squatting and squeezing one out on Nigerians, who are depicted as ignorant, dishonorable criminals? It's only the most convincing pro-apartheid argument ever! Seriously, you don't want one of those filthy, cat food-addicted "aliens" around your daughter.

AN EDUCATION
Why it's racist: Sure, the pretty little white girl (Carey Mulligan) gets an education, but not the blacks or Latinos. Not even the Asians—and they got the highest math scores!

THE HURT LOCKER
Why it's racist: Most Americans know as much about Iraqis as they did about the Vietnamese. Fortunately this film about an Army bomb squad was able to clarify things. You weren't aware that any Arab man on a cell phone is a terrorist collect calling his 72 virgins? Now you know.

A SERIOUS MAN
Why it's racist: Pushed around by everyone from his wife and son to his students and rabbis, Coen brothers protagonist Larry Gopnik (Michael Stuhlbarg) is so nebbish and frail that Woody Allen cried foul.

INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
Why it's racist: A team of ruthless Jewish soldiers assembled to brutalize Nazis and desecrate their corpses, thus terrorizing the SS, may not sound horrible, but just once, could we see Jewish men portrayed as nebbish victims instead of the same old powerful, bloodthirsty sociopaths? Oy vey!

UP
Why it's racist: Pixar finally cast an Asian-American (then seven-year-old Jordan Nagai) in the role of an Asian lead character instead of a white boy! The catch? His character, Russell, a Wilderness Explorer, is obese, dense, and extremely fucking annoying. All Asians should be offended, though maybe not as much as Peter Sohn, the Asian-American Pixar animator who the character is based on.

UP IN THE AIR
Why it's racist: While schooling a junior employee (Anna Kendrick) on how to negotiate security lines at the airport, frequent flying businessman (George Clooney) explains that you always want to get behind Asians, who pack efficiently, but never behind Middle Eastern-y types because they'll always get pulled aside for screening. Well, at least his reason wasn't that they smell like curry and B.O.