Punxsutawney Fail: A History of Groundhog Day Stupidity

THE UNDEAD GROUNDHOG
• Though rodent oracles date further back, groundhog hunters started the legend of Punxsutawney Phil, the only "official" weathermanhog, in 1887. According to legend, that same furry fucker predicts our weather today—at age 123 (even though groundhogs typically live 10 years). He supposedly can do this because he drinks the "elixir of life" every summer at the town's Groundhog Picnic. We know this is bullshit because if it weren't, old white bitties would have gorged themselves on Punxsy Phil pâté a century ago to absorb his life force.

LIFE ON THE KNOB
• Punxsutawney Phil doesn't live in Punxsutawney Prairie or something like that. No, he lives in...Gobbler's Knob. And yet we're to believe he runs back in his hole because there's more winter, and not because he's embarrassed people will spot him there and identify him as a Knob Gobbler.

GROUNDHOG-APALOOZA
• You try to make a buck exploiting a groundhog, and sometimes you pay the price. In 1994, after Bill Murray's movie Groundhog Day made viewers aware of Punxsutawney nationwide, 7,000 rowdy, drunk, half-naked college assholes (approximately 300 more people than populate the town) crammed in to see Phil and act like morons in front of unsuspecting parents who'd brought their little kids for some family fun. What do you expect? Vermin sniff out vermin.

ROBO-HOG
• Upset that humans put Phil (or whichever impostor 'hog currently plays the part) on display, gawk at him, molest him with their filthy human hands, and don't allow him to hibernate naturally, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is fighting to have him replaced by a robot groundhog. Whoa, whoa, whoa! We may not agree with letting a rodent predict our future based on its shadowy whims, but clearly PETA doesn't understand that the torture and terrorizing of smaller, inferior animals is what gets us through the long, bitter winter!

FRIGGIN' FORECASTER OVA HERE
• New York City is supposed to be cutting edge, and yet the Staten Island Zoo is home to Gotham's own weather-predicting groundhog, Charles G. Hogg (a.k.a. Staten Island Chuck). Proof that it's all some backwards fuckery: In 2009, Chuck's prediction contradicted Punxsatawney Phil's (gasp!) and he bit Mayor Bloomberg, snapping, "That shit may fly with gerbils, but fondle me again and I predict you lose your friggin' hand entirely."

THE FROGNOSTICATOR
• In pause-worthy Snohomish, Washington, they agree that rodents shouldn't be weathermen. That's why, three days before Punxsutawney Phil pops his head out, they turn to their own Snohomish Slew, a bullfrog that they claim can predict the coming of an early spring. We can only hope Slew savagely jumps them all.

IN YOUR FUTURE...I SEE BALLS!
• Up north in Alberta, folks created one of Canada's premier prognosticating groundhogs to rival Punxsy Phil. His name? Balzac Billy (he resides in the town of Balzac). Look, we used to walk around with no pants on too, but at least our parents had the good sense to not name us Dangles McKneeknocker Cockenfurryballz.