Sometimes we get tired of alcohol and meaningless sex. [Wild, uncontrollable laughter.] Ah, but seriously, there are nights when no amount of energy drink can get our asses off the couch. With NYC still covered in the kind of snow that doesn't make you want to dance and smash all night, we're posting up at home base tonight. Here's what we're gonna be watching on TV while we do.
MOVIE: GOOD GUYS WEAR BLACK, IFC, 8 PM ET
• Before he was a wholesome hillbilly hero on Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris was a legitimate martial arts badass. Chuck's first role as the star of a movie was in this 1977 action classic, playing John T. Booker, a former Green Beret who learns that someone is trying to kill all the men he served with in Vietnam. Not the hippie peace-loving type, he responds by jump kicking motherfuckers through windshields.
COMEDY: COMMUNITY, NBC, 8 PM ET
• Ken Jeong isn't funny just because he has a ridiculously small penis that gets lost in his jungle bush. As Señor Chang, the Spanish professor at Greendale Community College, he is, rather ironically, a big prick. In this episode, he besmirches the honor of his students. If they only knew, the real joke is on him! Get it? Because the joke is his penis? [Also watch/record: Parks & Recreation, NBC, 8:30 p.m. e.t.; The Office, NBC, 9 p.m. e.t.; 30 Rock, NBC, 9:30 p.m. e.t.; Archer, FX, 10 p.m. e.t.; Important Things with Demetri Martin, Comedy Central, 9 p.m. e.t.; The Sarah Silverman Program, Comedy Central, 9:30 p.m. e.t.]
REALITY: SMOKING GUN PRESENTS: WORLD'S DUMBEST CRIMINALS, TRUTV, 9 PM ET
• You know what makes a criminal feel stupid? Getting caught on video committing a crime. You know what makes them feel even more stupid? C-list celebs like Danny Bonaduce, Leif Garrett, and Todd Bridges (the "C" is for crack rock) clowning them for being such morons. Ouch.
REALITY: THE FIRST 48, A&E, 9 PM ET
• Note to anyone thinking about committing murder: If cops don't solve the case in "the first 48" hours, they probably never will. In "Cut Down; 9-1-1," police try to figure out who murdered a homeless man in Miami and who shot and killed a man in Louisville while his girlfriend was calling 911 at his side. For once, we can't even be mad at police response time.
SPORTS: ORLANDO MAGIC VS. CLEVELAND CAVALIERS, TNT, 8 PM ET
• Number one and number two! You might just piss and shit yourself watching LeBron James' Eastern Conference-leading Cavs host Dwight Howard's Magic, who trail them by six games. Both guys are friends from Team USA, but we don't think King James has forgotten that Orlando kept him from the NBA Finals last season, or that Superman and his boys have forgotten "the shot" or LBJ refusing to shake hands after he lost the series. Add to that the Cavs' current 12-game win streak and you've got some must-see Association action.