Despite being one of the most famous and successful businessmen in the world, Steve Jobs is fiercely private—so much so that Apple's founder and CEO has never authorized an official biography. Well, until now. In the 55th year of his life, the man who helped shape the digital landscape is finally looking to contributing to his own legacy by hiring former TIME and CNN head honcho Walter Isaacson to pen his tell-all. But how much of all will Steve actually tell? Through an enterprising mole, we were able to get our hands on some of Walter's early notes and interviews with Steve; from the looks of it, dude is putting it all on the table. It may be Mr. Jobs' 55th birthday today, but we're giving you the gift of this exclusive look* at his upcoming biography. You'll never look at your iPod the same way again...

On Dropping Out of Reed College

Steve Says:This is when I really started thinking different. I realized early on, before anyone else, that school is an unnecessary expenditure. Dropping out of college? That was me. I started that.

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On Meeting Steve Wozniak

Steve Says: I had no idea how to build a circuit board, and I had no interest in learning how. That's some real geek shit. So I got my friend to introduce me to this engineer who worked at my summer job named Steve Wozniak. Dude was a certified genius. The first thing I thought when I saw Woz was, 'This sucker is gonna to make me rich!"

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On Building the Apple I

Steve Says: Yeah, Woz designed the Apple I, but It wasn't just the two of us in my garage. No one knows this but, we did it Frank Lucas style: topless girls with soldering guns. Talk about RAM!

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On His Outfit

Steve Says:All the great spiritual leaders wore one outfit: Ghandi, Dalai Lama, Batman. I always picutred myself as a white Dalai Lama, brining hope and guidance to the masses of rich kids with disposable incomes and identity issues. Fair-trade ristretto drinkers, this one's for you!

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On Getting Ousted from Apple

Steve Says: They claimed that I was let go due to the major sales slump and my temperamental attitude—or whatever. Right. Sales were down across the board that year! You want to know the real reason I was fired? Ask John Sculley. Or, better yet, ask his wife. That's all I'm going to say about that.

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On Bill Gates

Steve Says: Me and Bill have been cool since the '80s. I never really saw him as a threat. He was the guy who read text books for fun. I was the guy who rolled joints using the textbook paper, then burnt the rest of the book— because, as I told Jeff Bezos, people don't read! That shit is just kindling!

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On His Inspiration for the First iMacs

Steve Says:I went down to L.A. one night to buy some LSD—my usual guy was out of town, and I wasn't about to have another shareholder meeting without seeing some faces melt. When I got to the dude's house, he opened a box full of drugs separated by colored packaging. I wound up buying three red tops, a blue bag of hash and something in a green balloon. Three hours later, I knew that my next product would be multicolored time machines. One out of two ain't bad, right?

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On the Success of the iPod

Steve Says: There are new no ideas under the sun... unless they come from me. We knew the iPod was going to be a success. Sure, MP3 players were around, but they didn't have an Apple logo on them. That's the difference. We could throw that logo on anything and it'll sell. Wait, don't print that! People will boyco—actually, print that. Just make sure you put an Apple logo on the book.

*Yes, this is a parody. We made it up, people!

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