For those of you who are avid watchers of MTV's Jersey Shore—which is to say, for everyone with eyes in their head and a keen appreciation of trainwrecks—you probably saw the world's most steroid-ridden romantic, Ronnie, throw some bows on the boardwalk last night. Some schmuck who thought that Seaside Heights was more gangster then the motherfucking BRONX tried to impress his girlfriend and failed miserably. There's a lesson to be learned here: don't write check your ass can't cash, and Ronnie's got some wicked overdraft insurance.

For all its annoying sanctimony about the Snooki punch last month, we have to hand it to MTV: they know we love to watch functionally retarded people whale on each other. The heads over at Viacom are no stranger to controversy, and they know that what they do best is fisticuffs. Some of the fights they've aired over the years have been damn near legendary asswhuppings, and it would be downright uncivilized not to recognize them. Check out, then, a nine-round brawl of the greatest fights on MTV...

Stephen slaps Irene on The Real World: Seattle
CIRCUMSTANCES Stephen hates Irene. Irene leaves and tells Stephen he's gay. Stephen denies it, then flips the fuck out and...throws her stuffed animal in the water? And then runs to her car, opens the door, and slaps her? And then ends up getting arrested for gay prostitution later on down the road?
WHO WON? Subtly pushing someone to the boiling point by using the thing they hate most about themselves FTW!


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Abe vs. Donell on Road Rules: South Pacific
CIRCUMSTANCES After rehearsing to be dancers in a gay nightclub act, Donell starts steady shit-talking about Abe. Abe tries to keep calm, but ends up making a racial crack, which is the beginning of the end.
WHO WON? No, it's never cool to make a joke about cornbread, but cotDAMN we're glad Donell caught a two-piece. Reformed Montana redneck all the way!

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CT vs. Adam on Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Duel 2
CIRCUMSTANCES Walking Masshole stereotype CT and Adam "My Dad was in The Commodores, and All I Got Was This Caveman Face" King already had a history dating back to their tiff on Real World: Paris, but when CT's ex-girlfriend got pissed with him and he thought Adam had ratted him out, it was ON!
WHO WON? C'mon, fam! One dude has serious anger management issues and an eight-pack. WTF you gonna do against that?

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Darrell vs. Brad on Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins
CIRCUMSTANCES Tough guy Brad gets a little too drunk and steps to boxer Darrell. Uh-oh!
WHO WON? Let's ask Brad's broken eye socket.

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Brian v. Que on Making the Band 4
CIRCUMSTANCES Que accuses Brian of putting on a show for the cameras. Brian does, uh, not take this statement well.
WHO WON? Brian. Sorry, we can't take a dude seriously when he's all "hold up, lemme take my cashmere scarf real quick." That's like half a hair away from "hold my doorknockers, I'm gonna knock this heffa out!"

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Kesan v. E-6 on From G's to Gents
CIRCUMSTANCES After some regular-season tension, E-6 was freestyling for the camera during the reunion show, and he said something that apparently didn't sit too well with Kesan. Cue the snuffin'!
WHO WON? You kidding? E-6's hat stayed in the air for a full second and a half afterwards.

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Fred v. Ness on Making the Band
CIRCUMSTANCES Fred and Ness got into three fights that season, and this one—slapboxing gone wrong—was just one of them. We like to imagine that each one was followed by tender make-up sex.
WHO WON? Fred. No one can beat someone with crackhead strength!

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Tonya v. Veronica on Real World/Road Rules Challenge::The Ruins
CIRCUMSTANCES When it comes to that alcohol sponge Tonya, who even knows anymore? And we know it's not exactly a fistfight but hearing her repeatedly yell out "WHICH DO YOU PREFER, DICK OR VAGINA?!" is entertaining enough that we forget the lack of impact.
WHO WON? We think it's clear: anyone who's not Tonya is a winner by default.

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Ronnie vs. local, Jersey Shore
CIRCUMSTANCES A drunk dude at the bar next to our favorite guidos transitions from rude questions to catcalls to having his girl trying to claw Ronnie's eyes out. Ronnie handles it like a gentleman, opting instead to mush the dude in the face and pull a hockey-fight move with his OWN t-shirt.
WHO WON? The ever-chivalrous Ronnie, who somehow managed to crawl home to Sammi's instigating ass and punk himself out all over again. Boogie Down Briddonx all day, thun!

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