Tiger Woods sinks putts with his putter, and extramarital affairs with his voicemails.
Tiger Woods may be the greatest golfer ever, but when it comes to cheating on his wife, this swinging dick is shanking it horribly. In one of the most moronic moves a creeping husband can make, he allegedly left a panicked voice message for his 24-year-old cocktail waitress jumpoff, Jaimee Grubbs, in which he identified himself and begged her to take her name off her voicemail greeting because his wife, Swede Elin Nordegren, who happens to be a superfine former model, went through his phone and might call her. Just when it looked like Tiger could convince everyone that his wife hadn't beat him and his car up with a golf club because he was cheating, saving face and multimillion dollar endorsement deals, the pussy cat comes out the bag with this audio evidence.
You'd think famous people under a microscope would know better than to leave a record of their dirty talk, racist rants or other pathetic admissions, but clearly they do not. Check out 5 awesomely embarrassing celebrity voicemails that Tiger should have learned from...
Scott Van Pelt, ESPN SportsCenter Anchor
WHEN: 2006
CALLED: A chick he met at Dewey Beach, Delaware
WHY IT'S EMBARASSING: Going out like a self-effacing Jon Favreau desperately calling a chick too soon (repeatedly) and begging for a date in Swingers is infinitely more embarrassing when you're a public figure and she plays you out by posting the audio online. We're not sure why she wasn't dripping with excitement when he said he should be lucky to bag any chick who doesn't have a club foot and Bell's palsy. We can't even count how many times that pitch has helped us smash a chick with cerebral palsy.
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Pat O'Brien, former host of The Insider
WHEN: 2005
CALLED: An unidentified woman (reportedly a coworker)
WHY IT'S EMBARASSING: In a series of voice messages, the boozy TV personality got so fuckin' hot and bothered and tried to sell this chick on having a threesome with the notorious P.O.B. and his girlfriend Betsy Stephens. Later, when Betsy decided she was not into it, he suggested that the two of them hire a hooker and get crazy on some coke. Kids, this is why you don't drunk dial.
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Charlie Sheen, Actor
WHEN: 2005
CALLED: Denise Richards, his ex-wife
WHY IT'S EMBARRASSING: Divorces and custody battles tend to be messy, and there's bound to be some name calling, but Sheen threw everyone for a loop when he called his former blonde Barbie doll not just a "cunt" but also "a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger." We haven't been this shocked since found out Wentworth Miller was black!
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Alec Baldwin, Actor
WHEN: 2007
CALLED: Ireland, his 11-year-old daughter
WHY IT'S EMBARRASSING: Baldwin, who was engaged in a messy custody battle with his ex-wife Kim Basinger, flipped on his daughter, whose age he didn't know, and called her a "rude, thoughtless little pig" who doesn't have the same "brains or the decency as a human being" because she repeatedly failed to answer her cell phone when he called her at a prearranged time. And we sure he was fighting for custody?
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Benzino, Rapper and former co-owner of The Source
WHEN: 2005
CALLED: Julia Beverly, Editor-In-Chief of Ozone Magazine
WHY IT'S EMBARRASSING: In a series of messages, which can be heard here in full, 'Zino expressed his displeasure with Beverly crowning him rap's "Most Successful Extortionist," by threatening her. He also got racist, sexist, and homophobic on that ass, calling her a "cracker bitch," a "transvestite," a "man-bitch," and an "ugly bush pig slut monkey whore." Apparently Charles Darwin missed a species.
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thehoodnerd December 2nd, 2009 at 06:26 PM
This is the funniest shit I read/listened to all day!
suckitmarshall December 2nd, 2009 at 08:05 PM
Pat O'Brien is KING.
Prize December 3rd, 2009 at 04:45 PM
Damn Charlie Sheen
m December 3rd, 2009 at 07:24 PM
preops to complex this was awesome. thr pat o brien one is RIDICULOUS! i read it was supposedly about Shaun Robinson. she's cute. dude likes the swirl.
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