WHAT'S THE CRAZIEST NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION YOU'VE TRIED AND FAILED TO KEEP?
All the major changes in my life come after some kind of pain or suffering, not after a night of binge drinking. Unless the two intersect, like that night in Thailand. Now I know why they call it Bangkok.
Go backpacking through Europe and just sleep with random strangers. A couple of friends and I wanted to—and thank God we never got to do it. I realized that it's not really what I wanted to do at all!
What evil things would you do if you had an identical twin?
How do you know I haven't already done them to you?
I would do to criminals what they'd done to other people. So if a man had sodomized a little girl, I would totally have him sodomized. If I had a twin I would do that—but me by myself, I wouldn't.
What animal would you most like to have been raised by in the wild?
Some kind of ape that in its full adult size is over 200 pounds so I'd at least have a shot at survival. It's not like a giraffe is gonna hold me or a kangaroo's gonna put me in its pouch. At least with an ape the odds are in my favor.
Wolves or emperor penguins. Those two species have good fathers. They have good males, which I love. Every other species, they're just sperm donors.
What is the best thing Brazil has given us?
I'd say the most underappreciated thing is the Baile funk coming out of Rio. It's what you wish reggaeton would've been...so yeah, Brazilian waxing.
They've given a bunch of good things: the way they speak Portuguese, their music, their way of being so free and always celebrating. Brazilian waxing is a positive like you wouldn't believe! [Laughs.]
What is the best sexual-sounding name you've heard?
Richard Thrush, a.k.a. Dick Thrush, which sounds like "dick thrust." He's been our C.F.O. in tough times. He's a great adviser on financial issues and he's always there to counsel us. Many a time I've heard my sister say, "I love Dick! What would I do if I didn't have Dick in my life?" I really didn't need to know that, Marci.
Sexual Chocolate in Coming to America. I was eight or nine when I first heard it. Trust me, it wasn't sexual to me at that time, but I knew it was inappropriate and it made me laugh a lot every time I heard it. It still makes me giddy.