Dallas Mavs forward Dirk Nowitzki may not have 99 problems, but it seems his baby mama might be one. Apparently his girlfriend Cristal Taylor is pregnant, which is bad enough...but then add the fact that she's currently locked up in Beaumont, TX on charges of fraud, forgery and probation violation. Ouch. Somebody should've done a little background checkitzki before wetting that jumper!

But the really sad part for poor Dirk is that he bypassed a great selection of smokin' Teutonic chronic from his native Germany! Halfway around the world, aspiring German basketball players are getting lectured by their mothers: "You zee vhat happens vhen you do zhe horizontal polka vith zose American girls? Zhem Yankee frauleins ist sieben dreissig!" As a public service to those young ballers—as well as you readers—we present the 9 Hottest German Women...

sandrabullock2
#9. Sandra Bullock
Claim to Fame: The daughter of a German opera singer, Ess-Bee's played Keanu Reeve's love interest in three movies, but we won't hold it against her. On the contrary, what we'd like to hold against her is...a nice cold compress. You know, in case she got a headache or something.
AND
juliastegner21
Julia Stegner
Claim to Fame: Known for covers in Elle Magazine and countless advertising campaigns, she's now the new face for Mercedes-Benz. We'd check under her hood waaaaay before the limited warranty ran out.

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elisabethrohm1
#8. Elisabeth Rohm
Claim to Fame: Assistant DA on Law and Order and a detective on Angel. We've got more than enough bytes to fill up her (CD) Rohm.
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Diane Kruger
Claim to Fame: Reason for the Trojan War, playing Helen in the movie Troy. Also Nicholas Cage's dimepiece in National Treasure. More classical p*ssy we'd like to knock the dust off of.

 

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lenagercke
#7. Lena Gercke
Claim to Fame: Winner of the first season of Germany's Next Top Model; also rumored to have been the inspiration for Young Dro's German hit "Shoulder Lena."

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jeanettebiedermann2
#6. Jeanette Biedermann
Claim to Fame: Three gold albums in Germany, including her latest Undress to the Beat. Actually, we'd cut even if she undressed off beat.
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xeniaseeberg
#5. Xenia Seeberg
Claim to Fame: She played Xev Bellringer, where she was half-cluster lizard, and half-love slave. The love slave bit helps us get over the fact that she'll devour us at the end of her oestrus.

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sideropoulos2
#4. Susan Sideropoulos
Claim to Fame: This actress and singer plays Verena Koch in the soap opera Gute Zeiten, Schlechte Zeiten. We're imagine it's all gute schlectin' with her.

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isabeledvardsson
#3. Isabel Edvardsson
Claim to Fame: Playboy model, tree-hugger. Memo to Dirk: Just like you, she likes the hardwood!

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claudiaschiffer2
#2. Claudia Schiffer
Claim to Fame: David Copperfield's longtime squeeze and supermodel Hall of Famer. To which we say: "Schiffer? We hardly know her!"

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heidiklum
#1. Heidi Klum
Claim to Fame: SI cover girl, Seal's wife. Now who's up for a game of heidi the knockwurst!