ELIZABETH BERKELEY, Showgirls
• A pretty startling move for a former teen star, but at least she didn't go straight to a Saved by the Balls bukkake set.

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JESSICA ALBA, Sin City
• The dance moves are nice enough, but the twos were out in the comics, so we're forced to strip Alba of our respect.

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MARISA TOMEI, The Wrestler
• Wrestler? We hardly know her. (But yes, definitely. In KY.)

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CHRISTINA APPLEGATE, Kiss of Fire
• Who knew that Christina would one day end up riding a pole when she was revolutionizing modern dance with "the Bundy bounce"?

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NATALIE PORTMAN, Closer
• How Portman, a Harvard graduate with a degree in psychology, didn't take the stage name "Poison Ivy," we don't know. The failures of our elite private school system...

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ROSELYN SANCHEZ, Yellow
• If we had a dollar for every stripper who was really a "dancer," we'd look like we just robbed a gang of strippers.

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JENNA JAMESON, Zombie Strippers
• Really, when you consider that the nerve endings in most strippers' twos are dead already, it makes perfect sense.

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SALMA HAYEK, From Dusk Till Dawn
• Our snake is... charmed.

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DARRYL HANNAH, Dancing at the Blue Iguana
• According to Strip Notes, the flick's companion documentary, Hannah did a lot of research for this role. And we've been academically studying the effects bust-off has on the inside of selvedge denim!

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ROSE MCGOWAN, Planet Terror
• We want to be titillated but the thought of Marilyn Manson's makeup-caked manhood having once touched her takes us to Planet Terror for real.

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PENELOPE CRUZ, Chromophobia
• "Chromophobia" is not the "fear of chrome," but you probably figured that out from her pole positioning.

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MIA KIRSHNER, Exotica
• That naughty schoolgirl outfit deserves a very stern D+.

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CAMERON DIAZ, DREW BARRYMORE & LUCY LIU, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle
• It's not our throttle that's full! (Get it? It's our penis.)

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KEIRA KNIGHTLEY, Domino
• Now if only we could parachute Keira into the West Bank to give Israelis and Palestinians lapdances, we could relieve all the tension in the Middle East.

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PARIS HILTON, House of Wax
• Later on, Paris takes a pole to her head and dies. Exceptional endowment has been a gift and a curse for us too.

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JAMIE LEE CURTIS, True Lies
• You're damn right we gave you the Italian dub! What part of Jamie Lee's ass dropping like it's hot do you need translated?

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REBECCA ROMIJN, Femme Fatale
• Those luxurious locks... Those smoldering eyes... Those luscious lips... Thank you, Antonio, thank you.

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ELISHA CUTHBERT, The Girl Next Door
• Word to her ex Sean Avery, perhaps she's pucked a few too many hockey players, but we're still game for filthy fifths in the five hole.

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