Wow, it actually happened. After nearly an entire year of us wishing Sarah Palin would go away, she finally—and abruptly—resigned. In a classic political spin-control move, the Alaska governor tried to head off the inevitable deluge of coverage by holding a brief (but rambling) press conference on THE FRIDAY AFTERNOON BEFORE JULY 4TH WEEKEND. And at no point among the weird basketball analogies did she ever exactly say why she was leaving or what she'd be doing.
Which is where we come in. Sarah, we love you. We rooted for you in your classic rap battle against Joe Biden, we defended your honor in our Wifey-Trifey showdown—and now, we're ready to be your career counselor. The world is your oyster, baby, now go out there and find the pearl...
JOIN THE CAST OF DEADLIEST CATCH
• She's already an experienced commercial fisherperson (she just Tweeted that she'd be joining her husband for a day of "picking fish" in Bristol Bay), so why not combine her native skills with her love of being on TV? Sure, it's no Sean Hannity lovefest, and we might not be able see her compulsive winking with all that salty spray in her face, but at least we'd tune in every week hoping to see her get washed overboard.
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BECOME TINA FEY'S STAND-IN ON 30 ROCK
• That big ol' meanie Tina Fey already cashed in on her myopia and mousy hair to dramatically improve her national visibility--and now that Tina's a big star and Sarah's got some time on her hands, we think it's time for the old-lady glasses to go on the other face (if you'll pardon the clumsy new figure of speech). This way, Tina's free to go off her limousine liberal friends and do new fancy-pants "hilarious and incisive" movie projects, and Sarah can deign to appear alongside filthy heathen actors like Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan--all to show the world that comedy doesn't have to be clever to be funny, it just has to be morally hypocritical!
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BECOME A VIDEO DANCER
• Being selectively oblivious is kind of a thing for our girl. Either she's making a big deal about pardoning a Thanksgiving turkey while other turkeys are getting slaughtered in the background, or she's raising the roof while someone is ripping her a new one on SNL, or she's trumpeting family values while tacitly allowing her high-school daughter to get knocked up in her own home. Blind to contradictions? Sounds like it's time for someone to learn the Stanky Legg and clomp around in the background for a misogynist c-list rapper.
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BECOME CHANCELLOR OF UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX
• Six years and four colleges just to get an undergraduate degree doesn't mean she's stupid or undisciplined, it means she's intellectually restless! And by now, she's clearly an expert in non-competitive institutions of higher-ish learning-related things. That being said, Internet schools are the wave of the future for the kinds of people who think Sarah Palin is someone to be looked up to. And what Internet school is more worthy of a Palin chancellorship than University of Phoenix, the "college" that's been accused of religious discrimination (against non-Mormon employees) and hiring ex-cons to be ethics professors?
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BECOME A HIGH-SCHOOL DEBATE COACH
• What qualifies as a complete sentence? What counts as foreign policy experience? What consitutes wrongful termination of state employees? WHO CARES? Debate is like Sarah Palin's version of politics--it doesn't matter what skills or intelligence you actually have, as long as you can convince people that you're right! And we know a few young men and women who could learn from the master's process: wink, give venomous ghostwritten speech, profit!
