Don't be mad, UPS is hiring...
Is the jig up for Will Ferrell? Seems like yesterday that Silly Willie was on top of the box-office world, but it appears his reign might be coming to an end. With his latest, Land of the Lost, flopping harder than Pau Gasol this past weekend, it may be time for Mr. Ferrell to reassess his film career. Dude's already made a hundred thousand trillion playing the same role over and over again (even on our cover!), so there's no reason he can't parlay that character into other potential jobs. Here, then, are six new careers for Will Ferrell...
The real-estate bubble burst like a bad implant, word to Chyna, so now's the time for Ferrell to get in the housing game and spend some of his SNL money. Don't let the funny-guy routine fool you; he will evict that ass. You can't front on a dude who DRIVES A DODGE STRATUS!
At 6'4", Ferrell has the presence of a young Ted DiBiasi. Okay, maybe not, but he's no stranger to getting acrobatic with other men (to wit: Blades of Glory), which is like 70% of the way to WWE superstar status. The other 30%, in case you were wondering, is equal parts steroids and poor life decisions.
LATE-NIGHT SHOW HOST
With Leno gone and Conan still finding his freakishly gawky footing, Ferrell would be a no-brainer (word to your girlfriend) on the late-night circuit. Don't forget, a dude named Spike Feresten has a late-night hosting job. Our man could come in there and do nothing but eat spinach-artichoke dip for an hour and still body that herb.
We're tired of surly garbage collectors who
don't smile as they collect our week's worth of beer cans and love tissuesstrew our porn on the sidewalk. At least Ferrell can act like he's having fun while he picks up discarded pallets of Land of the Lost Blu-Ray discs. You see what we did there? We took a cultural failure and made it even more irrelevant. Oh, MAN. That was awesome.
Directing traffic can bring out the loud, annoying asshole in anyone (no Taco Bell). Ferrell + badge = hilarity. Or Justin Volpe 2.0, we're still not sure which. Either way, he'd be more entertaining than whatever turd Werner Herzog and Nic Cage are squeezing out of their Elvis-necrophilia meetings.
Ferrell's multi-gazillion-dollar cumulative box office take proves that people love his asshole comedy routine. Why not just run with it? Just go Frank from Old School full-time. It's easy: 1. Show up 2. Scream "Blue, you're my BOY!!!!" at other assholes 3. Have sex with their girlfriends because he's famous and they're not 4. Collect giant check. Seriously, try it, it works.