What happens when a completely contrived reality series moves to a real-ass New York City borough home to real-ass people who will really blast a second hole in that ass if you look at them the wrong way? The world will find out tonight at 10 PM EST when MTV premieres The Real World: Brooklyn. Well, it would if the show'with all its manipulated racial, sexual, religious and socioeconomic tension'weren't complete bullshit.
The eight fraudulent fame whores whose names we won't even put on blast here were no doubt guarded from the Brooklyn realness, so Complex can only imagine what could have been if they'd stopped being polite and actually experienced these hallmarks of real life in BK...
• Brooklyn is famous for its friendly police force, which serves and protects the community by performing free prostate exams on men'especially non-white men in predominantly non-white neighborhoods'with retractable batons, broomsticks and anything else that can be shoved lovingly up someone's ass. Just ask tourist board reps Abner Louima and Michael Mineo (above, crying tears of joy). The bloody good times that could have been!
• Williamsburg brims with hipster douche bags who live 20 to a flea-ridden loft and think they're pushing the boundaries of art with wheatpastings that are best used as toilet paper. We're sure The Real World Brooklynites were really tight with them. The nearby Hasidic Jewish community, not so much. You haven't broken challah bread if you haven't been stared at by a mob of 25 to 100 Hasidic men whose eyes seem to say, "Go back to your own kind, goy." And no, they can't get you Matisyahu's autograph.
CONEY ISLAND BEACH
• In the good old days, life was a beach, and then you died of a heroin overdose. The Requiem for a Dream days when zombie addicts camped out underneath the boardwalk of Brooklyn's most famous attraction are mostly gone, but if the cast was lucky they could still have caught a nice tan and hypodermic needle before hitting the carnival for some quality time with a bearded lady.
THE WEST INDIAN AMERICAN DAY CARNIVAL
• Every summer, BK's Eastern Parkway catches fiyah for the West Indian American Day Carnival, which is marked by flags, skimpy costumes, riddims, dutty wining, a three-day contact high and 15 cops huddled on every corner. We can't think of anything more intriguing than dropping The Real World cast, including the show's first post-op tranny, Katelyn, into the middle of it. If there's anything Caribbean people love, it's lily white people and batty (lady)bwoys.
DIRTY, FILTHY, NASTY SEX
• Once upon a time, Third Avenue straddled the Brooklyn Queens Expressway with loads and sticky loads of seedy strip clubs and porn shops. Thanks to quality-of-life-obsessed former New York City Mayor
Adolf Rudolph Giuliani and gentrification, much of the smut and nut has been mopped up, but a few outposts remain (you know, way out, where they'll only bother those people). Nothing boosts ratings like the world's filthiest, nastiest sex. No seriously, all the dirt from the BQE makes it the most wonderfully disgusting experience. It may be too late for the cast, but you should still check it out. Just be sure to bring wet wipes.